Instead of going back to not eating I
decided eat whatever you want but just get
rid of it afterwards, at first I really
didnt know how to throw up but I guess I
can blame the internet for teaching me how
but its mainly my fault, at first it wasnt
really uncontrollable but I cant help it
now, everytime "i hear omg you ate alot"
or "wow your gonna get fat" it drives me
insane and I go straight to the bathroom
after everytime I eat, but now when I dont
even eat I sit there in class feeling sooo
disgusted with myself and a nasty taste is
in my mouth and really makes me wanna
throw up, but I had to rules to starting
this 1.) never do it at school. 2.)
never at a resturant or someone elses
house. But so far I broke the one I
never wanted to, I did it at school, we
were having a food day and the girl next
to me was just watching me eat all the
chips I brought and she was like wow you
gonna finish that all by urself, and then
I got up and left for the bathroom, but
its not like I had all the time in the
world, so I had to rush back, I barely
throw up ne thing and felt totally
disappointed in myself
i cant control my emotions and how I feel
to certain words or saying, they are the
things in control of my eating disorder,
and I cant stop it anymore
soon I just wont care about where I throw
up and end up having all my classmates
know bout me.
I also have another problem, I cant stop
eating soo much, I get bored I eat, im
lonely I eat, I get depressed I eat! I
dont want to eat whenever I feel every
damn emotion in the world, I learned that
writing helps me sometimes, but if there
are any other things I can do to stop
eating never time im not occupied please
tell meh
here the one of the poems I wrote about me
being bulimic, I thought I should show you
what occupies my mind when im ignoring the
fact that I want to eat more than
necessary, I hope you enjoy it, its not
that good but yah...Its called one day I
will tell you
it has begun,
i’m becoming more like you and it
can’t be undone.
We are now the same,
did you ever feel this sense of shame?
To taste it again,
every now and then.
It leaves this sensation,
thus putting me into elation.
The water keeps flowing,
and I keep going.
In the end will I gag,
and end up in a body bag?
Everyday I become more familiar with this
white hole,
did you know it’s a toilet bowl?
In one flush it takes all my misery,
but now fills me with solace.
One day I will tell,
the world as well.
One day I will tell,
them of this living hell.
But till then I will tell,
you all farewell.
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v00d00cita
Advanced Support Team
Joined: 04 Mar 2006 Posts: 724
Thanks: 0
Thanked:4
Re: Well It Happened.. Posted: 11-30-06 06:00am
Hi, welcome to this place.
First of all, i'm glad that you recognize
having a problem. That's the first step
and one of the hardest parts of getting
healed. It shows that you must really
want to be a regular person, no harsh
thoughts about yourself, not concerning
about food and weight and body image, not
throwing up, not eating too much...
It's hard to get healthy, but there are
certainly ways, so there's hope. But it's
your will that will make it happen, along
with all the help you get. Ok?
Understand that it's good to have a
healthy meal, four meals a day. It will
make you feel better, really. Give it a
try. And don't blame yourself too mach if
you can't keep whatever you want or if you
overeat. And specially, don't throw up
want you eat. This damages your body way
to much.
catt101
wrote:
i cant control my emotions
and how I feel to certain words or saying,
they are the things in control of my
eating disorder, and I cant stop it
anymore
(...)
i also have another problem, I cant stop
eating soo much, I get bored I eat, im
lonely I eat, I get depressed I eat! I
dont want to eat whenever I feel every
damn emotion in the world, I learned that
writing helps me sometimes, but if there
are any other things I can do to stop
eating never time im not occupied please
tell meh
i also feel completely out of control so
many times, so I understand what you're
going through. Getting a hobby is a nice
escape, really. Keep writing and reading,
for example. Play some sports, go out, do
some shopping, send emails
i hope you get better, ok? If you ever
need anaything, just contact me, ok? I'll
be here **
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Catt101
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 25 May 2006 Posts: 109 Location: ,
Posted: 12-02-06 00:19am
Okay yah I have another question if I
smoke and throw up does that mean my
throat will practically be in pain every
second and experience every symptom alot
faster than other bulemics?
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v00d00cita
Advanced Support Team
Joined: 04 Mar 2006 Posts: 724
Thanks: 0
Thanked:4
Posted: 12-02-06 06:02am
I don't know well about that, but i'm
pretty sure that smoking will harm you
more, concerning bulimia...
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Catt101
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 25 May 2006 Posts: 109 Location: ,
Posted: 12-02-06 14:12pm
Hmm okay but yah I know this is weird but
yah whenever I eat eggs I cant throw them
up, I know that might be a good thing, but
I think its weird I can eat anything else
but when it comes to eggs I just cant do
it...
|
v00d00cita
Advanced Support Team
Joined: 04 Mar 2006 Posts: 724
Thanks: 0
Thanked:4
Posted: 12-02-06 17:04pm
Just think that that happens not because
it's eggs but because you can really stop.
And you can! I'm with you!
|
sandyallen
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 02 Feb 2004 Posts: 4580
Posted: 12-02-06 18:26pm
Please don't do this to yourself or to the
people that love and care about you! We
just lost a girl on here a few months ago
do to this awful disease, please get some
professional help and realize that you
also have to help yourself, remember that
this disease can eat you up including your
insides also your bones, you can become
very ill and I am sure this is not what
you want. Noone here is here to judge
you, we are here to help you! I have
learned that it is better to be a little
more overweight and more healthy than it
is to ve skinny and sick.
I wish you the best!
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Catt101
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 25 May 2006 Posts: 109 Location: ,
Posted: 12-02-06 22:18pm
Yah I guess I can think of it like that,
but I am getting a therapist soon dont
know when yet have to find the right one,
-sigh- my older sister just called and I
feel like she knows, I think my mom told
her, makes me feel bad, she was like you
know u can tell me anything and u dont
have to feel ashamed
|
v00d00cita
Advanced Support Team
Joined: 04 Mar 2006 Posts: 724
Thanks: 0
Thanked:4
Posted: 12-03-06 13:18pm
And you should not feel ashamed for having
a problem, because you want to get out of
it. And in order to do it, you need help,
ok? I really hope you improve that and
that your new therapist is nice.
|
neighbours
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 01 Nov 2006 Posts: 363 Location: London
Posted: 12-03-06 14:39pm
catt101
wrote:
yah I guess I can think of
it like that, but I am getting a therapist
soon dont know when yet have to find the
right one, -sigh- my older sister just
called and I feel like she knows, I think
my mom told her, makes me feel bad, she
was like you know u can tell me anything
and u dont have to feel
ashamed
my older sister has bulimia and all I can
say is, don't feel ashamed or push away
people who can give you support. My
sister never talks about her bulimia with
me and it makes me feel kinda shut out cos
I rekon I could help her or at least give
her support, she just never lets me.
Please, don't give up on trying to give
up! It can be done, you can get help and
you have family who can support you.
Also, if you find that poetry is a way
help yourself to express your emotions
then go for it. I think poetry is a
great way to take up time which could be
spent purging or over eating.
Also, I found this poem which I think is
quite relevant to eating
disorders...Correct me if i'm wrong.
Otherwise, you can just see it as a nice
poem
paintbrush
poem
i keep my paintbrush with me,
wherever I may go,
in case I need to cover up,
so the real me doesn't show.
I'm so afraid to show me to you,
afraid of what you'll do,
that you might laugh or say mean things,
i'm afraid I might lose you.
I'd like to remove all of my paint coats,
to show you the real, true me,
but I want you to try and understand,
i need you to accept what you see.
Now my coats are all stripped off,
i feel naked, bare and cold,
and if you still love me with all that you
see,
you're my friend pure as gold.
I need to keep my paintbrush with me,
and hold it in my hand.
I want to keep it handy,
in case somebody doesn't understand.
So please protect me, my dear friend
and thanks for loving me true.
But I need to keep my paintbrush with me,
until I love me too.
by bettie
b. Youngs
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Catt101
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 25 May 2006 Posts: 109 Location: ,
Posted: 12-03-06 19:28pm
That was a nice poem, I dont think I carry
a paintbrush but a mask at school, one
that has a smile painted on it and never
goes away, and I always get your always
soo happy, why are so happy?
|
neighbours
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 01 Nov 2006 Posts: 363 Location: London
Posted: 12-04-06 17:29pm
I can understand that, it's a self
confidence thing I guess
|
Catt101
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 25 May 2006 Posts: 109 Location: ,
Posted: 12-04-06 22:41pm
I dont think I could not smile at school
and no one would accept my problem like my
family or close friends have, and I dont
want anymore weird looks
|
v00d00cita
Advanced Support Team
Joined: 04 Mar 2006 Posts: 724
Thanks: 0
Thanked:4
Posted: 12-05-06 04:19am
But, honestly, you can even get yourself
cured and no one will find our that you
had a problem, if you wnat to. But the
important thing is to focus in the fact
that you can achieve it. I believe in
you!
Neighbours, how's your sister now?
|
neighbours
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 01 Nov 2006 Posts: 363 Location: London
Posted: 12-05-06 13:28pm
v00d00cita
wrote:
but, honestly, you can even
get yourself cured and no one will find
our that you had a problem, if you wnat
to. But the important thing is to focus
in the fact that you can achieve it. I
believe in you!
Neighbours, how's your sister
now?
still the same unfortunately her house mate has
gone away for a while so now she's alone
in the house and her problem always seems
to be at its worst while she's alone...She
gets upset cos she thinks alot about bad
things in her life or what's wrong with
her life. I think she's past the point
of caring what she's doing to herself at
the moment. She is getting councelling
though which is definitely a start..I'm
still not sure how it helps though.
Also, when she comes over for dinner, I
find myself asking in my head "how does
she fit all that in her stomach?!". She
always eats more than my dad which is so
odd, I know it's all part of her eating
problem but surely her stomach didn't just
suddenly expand when she got this
disorder?! (obviously it didnt but it
does seem like that!). Cos surely you
stop eating when you're full...I just dont
understand it.
Thanks for asking
|
v00d00cita
Advanced Support Team
Joined: 04 Mar 2006 Posts: 724
Thanks: 0
Thanked:4
Posted: 12-05-06 15:25pm
neighbours
wrote:
she is getting councelling
though which is definitely a start..I'm
still not sure how it helps though.
(...)
she always eats more than my dad which is
so odd, I know it's all part of her eating
problem but surely her stomach didn't just
suddenly expand when she got this
disorder?! (obviously it didnt but it
does seem like
that!).
yes, there are cycles and there are some
that make people starve and others that
make them overeat, with or without the
purpose of throwing up next. I hope she
gets bettre. Tell her there is hope and
that she'll be fine.
And I hope you're fine too.
|
neighbours
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 01 Nov 2006 Posts: 363 Location: London
Posted: 12-05-06 15:35pm
I never speak to her about it
directly...So I can't tell her much at the
moment she's very
embarrassed about her problem in front of
me for some reason, I think she still sees
me as just a little girl or something, lol
she used to be like my second mother :p
still is sometimes.
I am fine do get worried
about her every now and then but there's
not much I can do right now so there's no
point getting worried. Plus, I have other
issues going on at the moment.
