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Jayb
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 08 Oct 2006
Posts: 29
Location: UK
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Help From the Wise Needed!
Posted: 11-29-06 03:18am
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Hi
my girlfriend is almost 14 weeks pregnant
and we're both extremely happy  neither of us drink
or smoke and we're doing our best to make
this a healthy pregnancy. However,
her mother is a very heavy smoker (and I
mean heavy!) and also a heavy drinker.
Both her mother and father have supported
us and are by and large a decent family,
but their views on smoking and drinking
when pregnant are totally different to
ours. They have tried to make my
girlfriend drink, despite they know she is
pregnant. This has led to many
arguments between me and her family.
They pass it off as "i don't believe in
all the stuff doctors tell you that you
can and can't do when pregnant - its all
rubbish". This small minded view just
angers me more and I have pointed out the
facts on numerous occasions. I have
also made references to what the midwife
has told us - i.E. Smoking and
drinking is very bad for the growing
feotus. My girlfriend resisted the
wishes of her parents for her to get drunk
on her birthday. They seem to have the
message now after about five big
arguments, but her mother insists on
smoking around her and despite both of us
asking her to stop she has refused and
goes into a very bitter mood.
Normally we would just stay away or go
into another room which we have done to
some extent, but her mother is disabled
and is largely dependent on my girlfriend.
It worries me and angers me that her
parents have taken these views yet I feel
helpless to do anything. So in other
words we can't just stay away as we would
normally do and her mother just lights up
a ciggy with no regard. Not just one
or two cigarettes, but one after another.
I've tried everything and totally at a
loss now as to what to do or say.
Worse still her mother wants to look after
the baby when its born on the occasion
that we are both at work on the same day.
I wouldn't have a problem with this at
all but I know she will be smoking around
the baby and again I refuse to let this
happen. Am I being over-protective?
Has anyone else been in this situation?
I don't want to stop her parents
seeing the baby, I really don't, but if
they refuse to stop polluting our baby's
lungs then they won't be looking after it
at all. Is that harsh and am I being
unreasonable? I just can't seem to be
able to compromise and I have tried!
I am normally a very calm and passive
person but my views on this are very
strong.
Thank you for any help - really
appreciated!
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Jules
Supporter
Joined: 19 Aug 2006
Posts: 3795
Location: Merrie Englande, UK
Thanks: 87
Thanked:70
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Posted: 11-29-06 07:34am
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How old are you both? Do you live with
your girlfriend's parents? If not, then
just stay away as much as possible and
explain the reason why. If her mum needs
your gf's help because of her disability
then she's just going to have to stop
being a selfish cow and stop smoking
around your gf.
If you live with them then the only thing
you can do is move out, but that's easier
said than done.
As for looking after the baby once it's
born, there is no way I would allow such a
self-centred individual look after my most
precious possession. If I were you i'd
keep your child as far away from the old
battleaxe as you can. If she wants to
kill herself with her filthy smoke and
booze then let her but your child deserves
better.
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Idony
Supporter
Joined: 23 Sep 2006
Posts: 1611
Location: virginia beach, va usa
Thanks: 11
Thanked:0
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Posted: 11-29-06 12:36pm
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Wow, I know you said that it is a decent
family, but to me it seems like those are
some nasty parents, I refuse to let my
boyfriend smoke anywhere near me or
anywhere I normally go (ie anywhere in the
house or car) and he is perfectly fine
with it because he knows I cant handle the
smoke and he knows how terrible it is for
our child, and the drinking is just
stupid, if she doesnt drink anyway why do
they think she would start when shes
pregnant, thats rediculous, if my sister
even thinks about drinking I get into a
fight with her (shes about 10 weeks
pregnant) then if she insists that its not
fair I tell her its her fault not the
babies then get her husband, cause he
agrees with me (she had a fit about this
last weekend cause it was her 21st bday,
when it becomes legal to drink over here)
i think what her parents are doing is
horrid and not very "parently" you are not
wrong here, you need to keep supporting
your girlfriend and make sure she keeps
herself as healthy as possible
if I were in your situation I would leave
her mum alone for a day or maybe a weekend
or something just to show her that she
needs you guys there to help and that you
are doing it for her, not for you and if
she wants you to keep helping she has to
understand (not agree with nessesarly)
that this is what you want and what you
beleive and how you want to raise your
child and there is nothing she can do to
change that...But thats just me, maybe
thats why people say im creul *shruggs*
sorry I got so ranty, that just really
bugs me that a parent would do somthing
like that to their pregnant daughter
~alicia~
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Sunflower_pie81
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 17 Jan 2006
Posts: 5041
Location: to hell with this crap
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Posted: 11-29-06 12:57pm
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Ok first off, I am sure that you guys
would like to think that these people are
very
decent people but anyone who would
try to make some one drink while pregnant
aren't very decent. Anyone that would
think that it's ok to put a fetus at risk
for .F.A.S are not very bright and the
aren't the kind of people that I would
want to raise my baby around.
2nd. I think that you need to get a job,
if you don't have one and maybe even a 2nd
one so that you can plan on moving out and
getting aplace of your own in which to
raise a baby in. If you guys live in her
mother's home she can do what ever it is
that she wants to do and drinking and
smoking are what she wants to do and you
can't stop her from doing that in her own
home. So moving out would be your first
step.
If I were you I wouldn't ever consider
haveing her parents look after the baby
while you guys do what ever it is that you
want do. There isnt' anyway that I would
ever let her parents ever watch the baby
because what if they get drunk and pass
out and forget about the baby or pass out
on your skoot and kill it? I am sorry
this sounds harsh but you have to consider
that you are the child's parent and more
so it's protector and letting her parents
keep her would be the worst mistake you
have ever made. I wouldn't think twice
about moving out and having nothing to do
with them until they change their ways.
That might be the only way to make them
realize that you mean business.
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Jayb
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 08 Oct 2006
Posts: 29
Location: UK
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Posted: 11-29-06 14:57pm
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Hi
thanks for the replies! I feel you are
all correct in what you say and I totally
agree. We do live in our own place (thank
god!) so we're not always surrounded by
the filthy smoke. We're in our twenties
so are not beholdent to her parents in any
way. I sat and told my girlfriend today
that if any of her parents try to make her
drink or smoke around her there is going
to be a major rift between them and me.
I'm sick and tired of it and not prepared
to put up with it any longer. She wasn't
very happy about it but our priority is
the little child growing inside her. Her
mother has been made aware that whilst she
is smoking and drinking she will not be
entitled to look after the baby under any
circumstances. This made her bitter but
thats her problem.. Not ours. Rest
assured we will protect our child with our
life and I would never compromise the baby
in any way.
Its just the main problem being that my
girlfriend still visits her regularly and
no doubt she will be tomorrow. We have
even argued about this and I hate it being
like this. Her exposure to the smoke
isn't huge but its the very fact that her
mother still does it despite us asking her
politely. I can't understand what the
problem is with her - her stupid mentality
astounds me. I'm going to get tough now
as this has given me a 2 week migrane.
Why the hell aren't cigarettes banned?
I'm so angry!!! Why are people so
selfish? I feel like i'm the only one in
the world that feels like this but i'm
glad others on here feel the same!
Thanks for your advice!
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arcadia
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 06 May 2006
Posts: 4469
Location: Illinois,
Thanks: 1
Thanked:0
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Posted: 11-29-06 15:17pm
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You're doing the right thing! Just keep
being strong. You're going to be a great
influence on your child. I know how you
feel in one aspect- my parents are
heavy drinkers &extreme
alcoholics. I've tried to rationally talk
to them about cutting back on drinking,
seeing as they do it every moment they
aren't at work, &they just extremely
pissy &are in complete denial about
the situation. So .I told them straight
up that they are definitely not going to
be allowed near my son while they are
drinking, &that he will not stay
overnight with them until they stop
getting trashed every single night.
Haven't stopped them one bit. Oh well.
Their loss.
My point is, just keep being a rock for
your girlfriend. You can't change her
mother's ways, but you can look out for
your child, &it doesn't matter if you
hurt anybody's feelings. You're the
parent &it's your right!
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Sunflower_pie81
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 17 Jan 2006
Posts: 5041
Location: to hell with this crap
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Posted: 11-29-06 15:52pm
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You know I think that you have your head
screwed on right however your girlfriend
does't seem like she ison the same page.
I am sorry to say that if she is visiting
her mother then she doesn't seem that
strong and she needs to stay away from her
mother until she decides to straighten
up....It may not be as big a deal right
now but once the baby is born he/she
shouldnt' be around the smoke and the
drinking for it's safty....I am glad that
you are standing up for what you believe
but your girl needs to get there too. I
am sorry to see you struggling for your
baby but once the baby is bor you need to
put your foot down and make it clear that
it's not to be around anyone smoking.
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Guest
Guest
Thanks: 4
Thanked:0
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Posted: 11-29-06 16:33pm
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| purestgreen
wrote: | | ..... If I were you i'd
keep your child as far away from the old
battleaxe as you can.
. |
heheh battleaxe.
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Melissa_20
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 Jan 2006
Posts: 6806
Location: Florida
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Posted: 11-29-06 16:55pm
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| jayb
wrote: |
its just the main problem being that my
girlfriend still visits her regularly and
no doubt she will be tomorrow. We have
even argued about this and I hate it being
like this. Her exposure to the smoke
isn't huge but its the very fact that
her mother
still does it despite us asking her
politely.
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i totally agree with what everyone is
saying .B.U.T, you cannot make or
ask her mother not to smoke in her own
home.No one is twisting your girls arm to
go over there and have her lungs filled
with cigarette smoke and be around
alcohol.Yes her mom should be kind enough
to stop while she's there but some people
are dumb like that
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Jayb
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 08 Oct 2006
Posts: 29
Location: UK
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Posted: 11-30-06 03:25am
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Hi
thanks for the replies. I realy feel like
i'm alone with the way i'm thinking (other
than you guys!). Her family look at me
like I have two heads when I tell them
what smoking and drinking can do to a
baby. Not sure about other countries but
in the uk its written on every cigarette
packet in big bold black letters - to
quote "smoking when pregnant harms your
baby" chief medical officers warning. Do
people not see these extremely large signs
on every packet of cigarettes and on every
advertising board?!! Its fare game if its
in her own home, but its everywhere else
she goes as well. Being a chain smoker
she lights up as soon as one is finished.
The worst thing is that she had a still
birth and she smoked througout the
pregnancy. I'm not saying that smoking
caused the still birth but i'm sure that
smoking certainly didn't help. And from
what i've read smoking is one of the
contributing factors. Anyway she aint
having the baby at all. The offer is
there if she quits smoking and getting
pi**ed and has a good 2 year drying out
period. Until that time and until i'm
totally happy (if ever) with the situation
the baby isn't leaving our sight! She
must think looking after a baby is like
looking after a dog or something - this is
a human life - a baby!!
I'll be posting some scan pics on here
soon thanks for
listening and making me feel normal!
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Melissa_20
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 Jan 2006
Posts: 6806
Location: Florida
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Posted: 11-30-06 07:56am
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| jayb
wrote: | | its fare game if its in her
own home, but its everywhere else she goes
as well. ! |
well I guess you have a point then.I guess
tell her she isn't allowed over if she
can't follow the ruls of your own home!
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Sunflower_pie81
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 17 Jan 2006
Posts: 5041
Location: to hell with this crap
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Posted: 11-30-06 09:12am
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I agree with melly,
i think that if her mother wishes to see
your baby then you you should invite her
over to your place and if she smokes and
drinks in your home than you kick her
out.
She must not smell too good either because
people that smoke and drink that much
dont' smell too good. Blech!!!!!!!!!!
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Melissa_20
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 Jan 2006
Posts: 6806
Location: Florida
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Posted: 11-30-06 09:29am
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| sunflower_pie81
wrote: | i agree with melly,
i think that if her mother wishes to see
your baby then you you should invite her
over to your place and if she smokes and
drinks in your home than you kick her
out.
She must not smell too good either because
people that smoke and drink that much
dont' smell too good.
Blech!!!!!!!!!! |
nope! They smell like cigs,alcohol and
a$s!
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Sunflower_pie81
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 17 Jan 2006
Posts: 5041
Location: to hell with this crap
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Posted: 11-30-06 09:30am
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| melissa_20
wrote: | | sunflower_pie81
wrote: | i agree with melly,
i think that if her mother wishes to see
your baby then you you should invite her
over to your place and if she smokes and
drinks in your home than you kick her
out.
She must not smell too good either because
people that smoke and drink that much
dont' smell too good.
Blech!!!!!!!!!! |
nope! They smell like cigs,alcohol and
a$s! |
lol
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