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Please Help (Page 1)

I have a very close friend who saw another man while she and her husband were beginning their divorce.
She became pregnant by this man and soon after realized that she didn't want to be with him. Now she is back with her husband.
I have known this woman since I was a child and I know two things:
1. She will not stay with her husband, I am sure of it
2. She does not want to have an abortion

but she is scheduled for an abortion this week. She says she's ok with it and she says it's all her decision. But I know she is lying, I know her, i've known her almost my whole life. I can see the pain in her eyes as she says "it's not a problem, no big deal". She doesn't want to do it. Her husband is an abusive sob and I know he is pressuring her.

I do understand that she is a grown woman and shouldn't allow anyone to make her do anything... But how can I make her understand this?
Especially since I have no doubt that she and her husband will seperate again, they haven't been together that long and I know she isn't happy with him.
This is one of my closest friends and I have a lot of love for her... I don't want to see her do this and regret it for the rest of her life.

What can I say to her?
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replied November 7th, 2006
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Oh wow, this is a really tricky situation. A few years ago I had a friend in almost the exact same situation except she wasn't actually married. She ended up having an abortion. I can really sympathise with you.

I think that all you can do is express to your friend the doubts you have about her having an abortion. Don't skirt around the issue - just be open and honest and tell her you think her husband is co-ercing her and that you don't think the relationship will last anyway. Maybe she will feel relieved to have someone she can open up to about it.

Where would your friend go if she did leave her husband and continue with the pregnancy? Maybe she is worried that she will have nowhere to live? I don't know what country you are in but in the .U.K, her local council would consider her a priority for housing if she is kicked out of her home and pregnant. Could she stay with you for a while?

You really need to find out what her concerns are and see if you can help her address them in a practical way.

At the end of the day, though, this situation is really out of your control and if you feel that she is going to regret her abortion then just make sure you are there to pick up the pieces afterwards. Like you said, she is a grown woman and needs to make her own choice - all you can do as a friend is be there for her, however much it may hurt you.

I wish you luck.
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replied November 7th, 2006
She could go anywhere. She knows she could come stay with me in a heartbeat. And every single member of her family has offered to take her in at some point.

She just changes around him. She is usually a very smart, strong person. But around him she becomes this submissive little wimp that I don't even know.

He has done nothing but physically and emotionally abuse her from day one. I think he's convinced her that no one else would have her and she should be lucky to have someone like him.

I've asked her if this is really what she wants, and what if they were to break up again, and all the other what if's that I could think of. And she lies to me. Telling me it's ok as her voice is cracking because she is fighting back tears.

It hurts me so much to see her like this because I truly do love her like she is my own sister. I've known her forever and we've talked about everything, the topic of abortion has came up in the past... This is her opinion in her exact words:

"oh my god, I could never have an abortion. I could never live with myself knowing that I killed my own child. Not even if I had to choose between my life or the baby's life, I couldn't do it for any reason."

and she has kids, so what she said was a completely educated statement. She knows the ups and downs and how a person feels during pregnancy and child raising.
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replied November 8th, 2006
Experienced User
maia wrote:
she could go anywhere. She knows she could come stay with me in a heartbeat. And every single member of her family has offered to take her in at some point.

She just changes around him. She is usually a very smart, strong person. But around him she becomes this submissive little wimp that I don't even know.

He has done nothing but physically and emotionally abuse her from day one. I think he's convinced her that no one else would have her and she should be lucky to have someone like him.

I've asked her if this is really what she wants, and what if they were to break up again, and all the other what if's that I could think of. And she lies to me. Telling me it's ok as her voice is cracking because she is fighting back tears.



It hurts me so much to see her like this because I truly do love her like she is my own sister. I've known her forever and we've talked about everything, the topic of abortion has came up in the past... This is her opinion in her exact words:

"oh my god, I could never have an abortion. I could never live with myself knowing that I killed my own child. Not even if I had to choose between my life or the baby's life, I couldn't do it for any reason."

and she has kids, so what she said was a completely educated statement. She knows the ups and downs and how a person feels during pregnancy and child raising.


maia this is a copy of a "privte message" I sent you, but to make sure you get it posting it here as well.

Dear maia,

i feel for you and your friend. From your post it seams that both of you are very stressed over this situation. I know that I may sound like a crazy woman but if you have time to take your friend to a "spa" sometime this week before her appointment, I would strongly recommend to do so.


I would go on and on explaining why I recomend this. The situation is very stressful and some good massage and pampering can help to snap her out of a so called "self preservation" mood. While she is in that state, she will not be able to "hear" you, I say this from my own painfull experience.

When a woman is under stress adrenalin counteracts the effects of oxitocin (hence "slef preservation"). Massages are very popular now for women who are pregnant since it helps in production of oxitocyn, while needed for delivery, it may also hep to get her into a "motherly mood" and hopefully she then can her the word "baby".


I know that you may not have much time left, and I do not want to go into all the benefits of good massage, I hope this helps. Please send me a private message or email me.

love,
eugenia.
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replied November 8th, 2006
Edit for abusive post
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replied November 9th, 2006
Experienced User
justgottaloveit wrote:
eugeniabrown wrote:
some good massage and pampering can help to snap her out of a so called "self preservation" mood.


what a ****** quack you are. A massage is going to cure her pregnancy, bad marriage and brainwash her into thinking she wants this pregnancy. Too bad you didn't get a "massage" during your fertility time, huh?



Maia, why don't you mind your own business and stop trying to run your "friends" life?



no, it will not cure her pregnancy, but it may help to change her mind. No marriage is worth saving if it requires a baby to be killed.

As a matter of fact my husband is giving me a massage evry night, I hope your husband does the same to you.


I actually like your criticism, even though it is very uncivilized, and you will probably get banned again soon. Would you like to have my e-mail so we can chat? Wink
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replied November 9th, 2006
justgottaloveit wrote:

maia, why don't you mind your own business and stop trying to run your "friends" life?


is that it? Is that the best you have to say? Because I get the impression that you're trying to make me mad, but it didn't work. Try harder next time.

I don't think that I said anything at all that would insinuate that i'm trying to "run" anyone's life. But in case you didn't understand i'll put it in simpler terms for you:

my friend obviously does not want an abortion. A blind person could see that. I am concerned for her because this is something that she could regret for the rest of her life.
I did not say at any time that I want to talk her out of this, I just want her to understand how serious this is because right now she is not thinking clearly.

You see, good people care about others. They try to help them as much as possible, especially during difficult times.
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replied November 9th, 2006
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How's things going with your friend, maia? When is her abortion scheduled for?
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replied November 9th, 2006
Oh wait... I just looked around and discovered that all you're trying to do is instigate arguments on this board.

May I suggest that you get away from the computer for a while, get out, make some friends, find some hobbies, you know.. Get a life and all. Then maybe you won't be so bitter and you won't feel the need to insult complete strangers on the internet.

How pathetic. I feel so sorry for you.
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replied November 9th, 2006
purestgreen wrote:
how's things going with your friend, maia? When is her abortion scheduled for?


she's scheduled for friday. She just seems very nervous, frustrated, confused, and scared. She still won't open up. I'm taking her out tomorrow. I'm going to take her to lunch and try eugenia's advice. If I could just get her to think like her normal self then I would at least feel like I did something. So, i'll see how it goes.
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replied November 9th, 2006
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Re: Please Help
maia wrote:
i have a very close friend who saw another man while she and her husband were beginning their divorce.

She became pregnant by this man and soon after realized that she didn't want to be with him. Now she is back with her husband.

I have known this woman since I was a child and I know two things:
1. She will not stay with her husband, I am sure of it
2. She does not want to have an abortion

but she is scheduled for an abortion this week. She says she's ok with it and she says it's all her decision. But I know she is lying, I know her, i've known her almost my whole life. I can see the pain in her eyes as she says "it's not a problem, no big deal". She doesn't want to do it. Her husband is an abusive sob and I know he is pressuring her.

I do understand that she is a grown woman and shouldn't allow anyone to make her do anything... But how can I make her understand this?

Especially since I have no doubt that she and her husband will seperate again, they haven't been together that long and I know she isn't happy with him.
This is one of my closest friends and I have a lot of love for her... I don't want to see her do this and regret it for the rest of her life.


What can I say to her?


i agree with what purestgreen has to say. The only thing you can really do is talk to her and try to understand why she is wanting to have an abortion. Tell her that you are concerned for her and that you have her best interest at heart.

If her boyfriend is abusive you need to do everything you can to get her away from him. Plead with her, talk to her, find a couselor for her.....Try to do anything possible to keep him from hurting her.

I too have been in a similar situation. My friend did not go through with her abortion and is so happy with her daughter and the way her life is going. I just talked to her without any bias. She wanted her abortion because her boyfriend wanted an abortion..He was physicaly and mentally abusive towards her. She knew deep down that wasn't what she wanted but he had convinced her otherwise. Abusive men have a tendency to make a woman believe and go along with everything he says.

So my advice would be:

first: try to remove her from an abusive situation.
Second: show her that you really care for her no matter what decision she makes
third: listen to anything she has to say about her situation and offer advice as needed.
Fourth: don't make her feel bad by saying things like "you killing your baby" give her an unbiased but caring point of view. Possibly remind her of your earlier conversation like "why did you change your mind about abortion?"
fifth: ask her is that really 100% what she wants to do.

If you still feel like she's going to abort without wanting to then just be there for her after and help her in any way you can.

Good luck and well wishes to you and your friend!
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replied November 9th, 2006
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If the abortion clinic find out she is being forced they will dissaude her, since she is having such a troubled time she may need all the support she can get all I can say is rally up support numbers and people who will help her with the pregnancy!

Personally if she is being abused I would call the cops or call social service and see if they will step in she may need that extra help but dont do it yoursefl cause you may get hurt.

Whatever you do, dont tell her what to do(she will take that the wrong way) instead provide her with support, bring her out for a doughnut and coffee etc and talk to her when shes more at ease!
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replied November 9th, 2006
Thanks so much everyone. You've all given me some really good advice.
I took her out today, she seemed to relax a lot. I didn't push her, I just let her enjoy herself and calm down. She told me she would call me tonight after he goes to work, she said she wanted to talk.

She's scheduled for tomorrow, so that's another thing. She didn't get a lot of time to think this through.
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replied November 10th, 2006
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I hope she makes a decision she is truly comfortable with and which is of her own making. Let us know what happens, maia!

Thinking of you and your friend.
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replied November 10th, 2006
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maia wrote:
thanks so much everyone. You've all given me some really good advice.
I took her out today, she seemed to relax a lot. I didn't push her, I just let her enjoy herself and calm down. She told me she would call me tonight after he goes to work, she said she wanted to talk.

She's scheduled for tomorrow, so that's another thing. She didn't get a lot of time to think this through.


thats the best thing you could have done

i hope everything goes well, I hope she makes the right choice for herself!
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replied November 10th, 2006
Last night when she called I let her talk, I just listened. She finally admitted that she didn't want an abortion. I suggested she talk to her husband about it.
As much as I wanted to say screw him and leave his sorry ass, I didn't. True as it is, she doesn't need anything else right now so I kept quiet.

It doesn't really matter what was said last night though, because she went through with it today. Then she called me crying and regretting it, saying that she shouldn't be with someone who blah, blah, blah... Everything I listed before. Now that nothing can be done, she sees the truth. It's sad, very sad.
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replied November 11th, 2006
Experienced User
maia wrote:
last night when she called I let her talk, I just listened. She finally admitted that she didn't want an abortion. I suggested she talk to her husband about it.
As much as I wanted to say screw him and leave his sorry ass, I didn't. True as it is, she doesn't need anything else right now so I kept quiet.


It doesn't really matter what was said last night though, because she went through with it today. Then she called me crying and regretting it, saying that she shouldn't be with someone who blah, blah, blah... Everything I listed before. Now that nothing can be done, she sees the truth. It's sad, very sad.


maia,

i am sorry to hear this news. Just be strong for your friend. She still needs you. You are a wonderful friend, and many people are lucky to have you as thier friends.
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replied November 11th, 2006
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Ah, i'm so sorry that your friend has found herself in this position but you know you tried your best for her. It may be that a small part of her wanted the abortion even though she hated the idea and now she has done it she feels free to grieve. Question

just be there for her, as you have been so far, and continue to be the dear friend that she needs.


I sincerely hope that things work out for your friend and that she can find happiness.


If she finds the grief from the abortion overwhelms her then I can recommend this website:

www.Passboards.Org (all lower case)

it is a support site that helps women who are struggling to come to terms with their abortion. There is no judgement - the only women there are ones who have aborted so no-one is going to be cruel or rude and there are no religious overtones.


All the best.
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replied November 11th, 2006
Re: Please Help
[quote="paganangel abusive men have a tendency to make a woman believe and go along with everything he says.
[/quote]

that is so true, I don't know why. I wish I did know why. It's like he has a power over her, whenever she is around him she is his puppet.

So now she's extremely bitter towards him. If there is anything good to come out of this situation it may be that this was the final straw. Like it has opened her eyes or something. That's the way she's talking right now anyway.

Thank you all for taking time out of your lives to write what you did, everyone has been so supportive and so very helpful. I try to stay strong all the time but this was hard for me, so I can't even imagine what my friend is feeling. So now i'm going to visit her and try to help however I can.

Thanks again,
maia
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replied November 14th, 2006
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Maia I have been in abusive relationships and they are hard to come out of them, usually like your friend you are foced into sitiuation without a right to make a dicsion with a threat of violence or verbal abuse.



I wont lie it will take her a long time to heal, I really think she should see a cousillor, just to vent, the reason behind that is usually after these kind of occurences you close up inside. Its so hard to leave cause you love that person yet hate them at the same time, you look to other men but only to realize that your only masking the problem with sex not actually fixing it. I believe we call that rebound and honestly I know why she cheated cause she wanted to be loved to be touched without having that hatred or without fear of any kind of abuse. The reason she is still with him is due to a fact that security/being comfortable with someone is like a drug and hard to let go off.



Verbal abuse is just as bad can cause the same reaction as physical abuse, personally its not right but it happens and its sad because a woman can only have so much of a backbone. Your friend needs your support, right now she needs everything to hold on to reality instead of turning to something else to mask problems!
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