I Hate This, Please Read & Help. Posted: 10-29-06 12:42pm
I'm a 17 year old female, who's been
dealing with some issues for a long time.
Back in 2003 my mother, whom I wasn't
very close with died of a cocaine
overdose. I guess I didn't realize how
much it bothered me. Shortly after that
I was hospitalize at a psychiatric ward
for self-mutilating (cutting my wrists),
and for drugs/alcohol abuse. Being at
the place really did nothing for me at
all. At the time I now realize I was
depressed, and did have extreme stress and
anxiety. Now, 3 years later.. I don't
feel depressed, just constantly paranoid.
I've looked up a lot of information on
paranoid personality disorder, and I
indeed believe thats what I have. I
never realized it until I read about this.
Whenever i'm talking to someone, I
constantly read in between the lines, and
think that they are trying to insult me,
or harm me. I always am scared that
people are talking about me, or
formulating a way to harm me. Always
this is a constant thing, it never had
bothered me before because I always
thought it was everyone else just being
rude/ignorant, but now I see my role in
things. After an argument or dispute
once i've calmed down I can see where I
was at fault.. I still believe that i'm
right but I can see that its me being
paranoid. I say hurtful things to
people, in order to get a response from
them.. So I can interepret how they
"really" feel about me. I'm just
bullshiting myself, and causing drama
24/7. I can't stop it though, no matter
how hard I try I find myself right back
where I started. I have tough times
keeping steady relationships, not just
with boyfriends, I mean with anyone in
general because of my lack of trust.
Also I constantly seek attention, and I
know it. I'm the most defensive person
on this planet, I have extreme bouts of
anger, which gets me into a lot of fights,
and unwanted arguments at school. I'm so
worried about whats going on around me
that I can't pay attention in school. I
want everyone to like me. I have this
huge fear of people leaving me. I've
also developed ocd like symptoms, which I
read goes hand in hand with paranoid
personality disorder. I have these
compulsive thoughts of my house catching
on fire, which posesses me to unplug
everything in my house before I go
upstairs to sleep. As i'm halfway up the
stairs, i'll run back down and re-check
the toasters/coffee maker. I do this
repeatidly for about 10 minutes. Also my
front door seems to be the biggest
problem. If i'm going anywhere,
regardless of if its 5 minutes down the
road, I have to do this "push-pull"
ritual. Everytime. First I slam the
door, then re-open it, then I close it,
then I push it, repeatidly, and then I
pull the handle repeatidly. This has
gone on for over 10 minutes at a time. I
feel like if I dont touch it a certain
way, the whole handle has been screwed up
and I have to re-do it again. I can see
these horrible images in my head, and I
think thats what posesses me to do it.
Well I know its kind of a long message, I
just wanted to explain it fully. I'm not
in counselling right now, I just got out
of it back in janaury. I do believe i'm
going to start it back up.. But i've
been on a few medications since I was 13,
medications for depression and anxiety I
believe and I know which ones didn't work
with me, or I hated the side affects.
Those medications are zoloft, abilify,
rispirdal,concerta. Are there any
medications for anxiety that I should look
into or mention to my doctor? Please
write back!!
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stacylady
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 05 Dec 2005 Posts: 23 Location: , Indiana U.S.A.
Thanks: 0
Thanked:1
Here's An Idea Posted: 11-01-06 10:06am
It sounds like to me that you may have
o.C.D. (obsessive compulsive disorder).
My brother has that and he is on some
great medication for it. His got so bad
that at one point he couldn't drive
because he was so busy counting the spaces
between windows on buildings and between
the yellow lines on the road. He has been
doing really well for quite a long time.
I would start going back to your doctor
and discuss this with him/her. I hope
this helps you and that you have a blessed
day.
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reneblack
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 07 Nov 2006 Posts: 247 Location: A beautiful place, CA-USA
I Wish You the Best Out There! Posted: 11-19-06 23:01pm
Try to think positive thoughts. Dont feel
guilty. Enjoy life possitively to the
fullest! Good luck. Have a happy
hollidays.
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johnR
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 20 May 2006 Posts: 229
Posted: 12-07-06 18:58pm
It does sound like ocd/anxiety. Give cbt
therapy a try. If you can't afford a cbt
group pick up a copy of been there, done
that? Do this! By sam obitz and start
doing the tea form exercise which will
teach you how to keep your thinking more
objective and help you learn to stop
jumping to conclusions and blowing things
out of proportion. Take care and know you
can get better if you learn to think more
objectively about your symptoms through
the cbt exercises.