Hello, I'm New Here.

Well to start off with, I have been depressed for about 4-5 years. I am 16, almost 17. I developed anorexia and bulimia when I was 12, almost 13. My 7th grade year when I was 12-13, my dad went on disability for a neurological disorder. He worked as a chemical engineer in louisiana for 26 years at the same company. They automatically started sending him a pinchin check since it takes a while to get the disability. We were doing okay for a while then. I did have to quit gymnastics and dance though. By 8th grade year we had started getting the disability. They forgot to stop sending the pinchin check, so we were getting both. Well, your not supposed to get both. Metlife found this out and cancelled half our disability. We were living on just social security disability. Well everything started going downhill after that. I also have a sister by the way, so that's 4 of us! We went 3 months without electricity. We had been trying to move for years. We decided we would do okay if we sold our pretty big and nice house. And moved into an apartment to save more money. So we moved to texas that summer. We moved into an apartment and everything before we were sure we were gonna sell our house. We had a realtor and everything. We were about to sell the house. Then all of a sudden at christmas time metlife took the money we were gonna get from oue house. So we could pay them back for their mistake about the pinchin and whatnot. We got evicted from our apartment. We dicided to head to the midwest in missouri where my mom has family. A month after we got there, my grandmother died. We lived in a hotel room for over 2 months. Those were the longest 2 months of my life! I came close to suicide. My moms family wouldn't help us. We finally moved into this tiny resort/cottage/apartment/trailer weird thang. I went to school when the school year started. My eating disorder got worse. I would go six days without eating. But I was alot prettier at least. I was on dance team and got a boyfriend, so overall my life was improving. In november I took an entire bottle of ibuprophen. I took half one night, and the other the next. I went to the hospital and thankfully I was okay. The next few months didn't really get better. I dropped out of school towards the end of the year.

This summer I mostly stopped my eating disorders and gained 20 pounds. Gaining that much weight just made me wanna die. I hardly went anywhere. And since then i've been the most depressed I have ever been.

I'm not in school right now. I actually tried to go back but they said i'm just way too behind. I feel like such a failure.

We are still living in this tiny dump. Let me explain how bad it is. It's about the size of a classroom. There are 2 bedrooms. I share with my sister, kinda. It's so small it can only fit one bed. It also has no a/c in there. So I sleep on a twin mattress on the floor in the "living" room. Nobody can really get any sleep here. I never write anymore, since I never have any peace or privacy. We aren't really even a family anymore.

I've gotten to the point where I don't even know what is real anymore. The days aren't even days. I'm indifferent alot of the time. It takes alot to amuse or excite me. I'm probably the most cynical person you will ever meet. I'm also very sarcastic about everything. I guess it's my way of coping. I don't have any real friends anymore. I'm too depressed to even go get a job. I feel sick all of the time. I'm stressed. It stressed me out to event think about getting out of bed. I see the world as a place with a bunch of selfish, greedy, and ignorant suckers. All people care about is money and power.

I am also very ugly. I hate myself so much I didn't know hate this strong could exist. Now that I am fat, well hell, that just ices the cake! I can't look in the mirror without sweating with hate or crying.

Well thats a summary of my life. I'm sorry I wasted your time.