I just kind of want to write this to get it off my chest because i'm hoping this will help. First off I relate to many of the previous posts and just reading that someone share's my problems is extremely beneficial.
So anyway, I have been taking adderall now probably since march or so (it is now mid october), but I did not choose to take it over the summer. I have always been an exceptionally itelligent kid, but my grades did not seem to match up with my potentials. I wanted adderall solely to do well in school. And well I did. I thought of it as some sort of miracle pill and regretted all those years I went without it. From what I hear, most people experience this in the early week of adderall, but then comes to bad side: tolerance.
Once my body started building up tolerance to the pill I did not feel the extroridinary benefits. All it did now was basically keep me awake during the day, and it began to turn me into an emotional zombie. In the beginning of april, a good friend of mine committed suicide, and I thoroughly regret taking adderall that week. I feel like I needed to fully and emotionally cope with the situation, and adderall kind of masked it, even if only minimally.
I got through the situation more or less, finished out the school year, and prepeared for an adderall-free summer. At this point there was no addictiobn or anything, and I felt amazing over the summer; I felt like a real person with a real personality. I have always been kind of the clown and funny kid in my group of friends, so personality is essential.
I kept busy with work over the summer, but in my last week of summer I did absolutely nothing and began to slip into a depression. The day before school started I took adderall (after a heavy, heavy night of drinking) and felt !**@! incredibly. I felt like a new person. I had energy and positivity bubbling and bursting throughout me. I did all this !**@! summer reading I had to do with incredible enthusiasm. But as high as the high was, I felt the worst low when it wore off. I thought to be experiencing psychosis. I felt crazy, my heart was racing, I didn't know what was wrong with me, suicidal thoughts went in and out of my mind. I tried to lie down but my heart raced faster than it ever has. I couldn't talk to another person because I felt separated from the world.
The first week of school I felt this to milder extents. I felt really good while on it, and antisocial and depressed as soon as it wore off. As the school year progressed the good and bad results trailed off into a lifeless medium. I didnt feel as good while on it, but not as bad when it wore off. I basically had no personality or emotional highs and lows. I wasn't funny, I wasn't outgoing, I couldn't connect with people, I lacked serious confidence, and I was not very social (which contradicts probably 90% of my life prior to adderall).
I decided to stop taking the drug. If i'm depressed, I need to deal with that and not hide behind adderall. At times I would actually turn down afternoon social events because I knew that would be when my adderall wore off and i'd be awkward and weird. Today, the day after my 18th bday, its my 2nd day without adderall and I was too depressed to wake up for school. I need to help myself and not live in the artificial state that adderall enduces. Even if its hard, I want to return to me, because I used to love myself. And I dont anymore. I dont even know who I am. Please give some adivce for this adderall withdrawal period. I'm thikning starting to lift weights again, a consistant sleeping pattern, and a job would help me because I would feel useful and occupied. Just please send some advice or support, cuz I have had suicidal thoughts and I never thought I would..Especially after someone close to me committed suicide. I need to feel purpose again and return to the funny, spirited kid I once was.
I am so relieved to know that I am not the only one that is experiencing this addiction and the terrible depression and isolation that goes along with it. If I don't have adderall I tend to abuse cocaine staying up for a couple days at a time. I am now to the point where I know this is no way to live life but am not sure what type of treatment to seek. I just don't want to feel that terrible feeling when I am not on drugs. I have tried Paxil, Lexapro, and Zoloft. They maybe worked a little bit but not much. My worst fear is that tyhis is just the way I'm destined to feel. It's like life is just void of joy and fun and passion.
has anyone experienced a difference between generic and regular adderall? i recently switched to regular after consistently taking generic for a couple of months or so, and i am the definition of an emotional roller coaster. i'm unsure if the situations in my life are causing my depression or if it is the adderall itself- in either case, i feel awful.