You're going through a normal part of greiving.
You are trying to put yourself back in a situation when things were still good - before bad things happened.
I guess it's a form of denial.

I had to think about this a lot before committing to going back to college that I wasn't just in denial and trying to go back to a "good time" in my life.

But I did say that I always wanted to go back to college and I talked it out long and hard with steve.

I thought you and hubby were going to try and work things out?
I do think you need some form of counselling beck, I know how hard that is.

I am just (i think) getting to a point where I accept .Oliver not being here - now i'm scared that in just under 2 weeks that is all going to fall apart because it will be the 2 year anniversary.
Yes, 2 years and yes, it's still hard, don't expect yourself to get over the death of a child in a matter of weeks - sure you will have good patches where you seem to cope and then bam it all falls apart again.

I pm'd you my number a while back - feel free to call me or send me your number if you want me to call you.
Heck i'll talk with hubby if you want and explain how things are for a woman who lost a child.

Take time to grieve.
I went back to work asap after losing .Oliver and I don't think, in hind sight, that it was the right thing to do. I was in some sort of denial and it hit me about 5 months later - it's been (and still is) a long slow healing process.

Losing a child is not something you "get over", but over time you begin to accept.

Hi kia. Thanks so much for your reply. We were meant to be trying to work things out but we didn't actually try to work things out. We just lived seperate and got on with our lives. I don't whether it is just how he is dealing with things but he is acting like a complete jerk.
He keeps saying he will have the kids and letting me down. He was supposed to take them last night so I could sleep in this morning (haven't slept properly for weeks) he then called me and said he was going out with his friends so he wouldn't take them until 9 am this morning.
It is now nearly half past eleven and his mobile is off and I don't know where he is. He keeps doing this all the time. The ball is always in his court now cause I can't 'force' him to have the kids like he makes me. He is acting like a free guy with no kids. Its really getting me down. I don't wanna be with him but I do want him to be a dad to his kids.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I just keep thinking of that guy from college even though he doesn't seem that keen. I'm hoping I can pull myself together soon so I can concentrate on college and the kids

Hunni don't go throwing yourself into a relationship with anyone else just yet.
There is too much pain and hurt inside for you right now.

Hubby is probably trying to avoid seeing you because he doesn't want to see you upset or he doesn't want you to see him upset.
He probably thinks by avoiding a situation he doesn't know how to handle the situation will go away.

He too is probably trying to put himself back in a "good time" before anything "bad" happened.

You need to sit down with a mediator (a trusted friend or family member or a proper counsellor) and talk through some issues.

You are right about the relationship thing but I don't think me and my hubby can be saved. He has shown me a other side of him who is cold and selfish. I begged him to help me out with the kids. I told him i'm having a hard time coping but he just doesn't care. He is acting normal going to uni and seeing his freinds at night. In the meantime I am struggling to do my coursework whilst juggling the kids and waking up at 6am every morning to take them to mums while he sleeps in at his house.

He never texts me to ask how the kids are when I have them. I confronted him and he said ' I don't want to speak to you' I said these are his children and he should miss them and want to know how they are regardless.
He can go for days without seeing them and not miss them at all. I never want to get back with him cause he has said sonme horrible things and he meant them all. He also said he is so glad he is split up with me cause he doesn't have to put up with my 'caca' anymore- meaning me greiving. I just wish I could get more help with the kids

Does your college have a nursery? Most do around the uk now so maybe that would help and you might get to meet some other moms who are studying too.

My mum looks after them while I study and the college creche only takes children aged 3 and over anyway. He has just been to pick them up and has taken them so i'm going to try and have a sleep and chill out for the rest of the day. Thanks again for your help sweetie