Just remind her of how great it feels.Also tell her that she should not let her old relationship scar her for life.Love hurts but love is also a great thing.My x and I just broke up,i believe he is bipolar or depressed and he was the same as her.You just gotta let her know how you feel and let her take it from there.Tell her not to let some slimeball ruin something good her because he screwed it all up.Tell her she deserves to be happy! : )

Hi there

i read this thread and started thinking that maybe some of what you say may be relevant to by bi-polar ex boyfriend. We 'split up' at the end of july and I went away for 3 weeks. Since I have been back, he calls me and asks to meet up. When we do, he is so affectionate and loving I am sure that he loves me. The last time we met we spent a wonderful day together and then he told me we were friends. I couldnt understand this in view of how affectionate he'd been only the week before. He tells me that he is not in love with me, but behaves quite differently. It makes me feel tired trying to work it out all the time, and sometimes I think I should take things at face value- he does not want to be with me. We had been getting on so well without the pressure of being in a 'relationship', but then when I give any indication that I want something he panics and runs away. I am not putting demands on him, but I want to be able to behave as I feel and not always censor it so that I feel he is not feeling any pressure. He told me that he had been in a relatoinship that lasted 7 years and ended badly. Although he has not said so explicitly I think he went through a very dark time then. I think he dropped out of college. It was only some years later that he was diagnosed with bi-polar. He has known for about 2 years now and I am the only person he has told outside of his family. I can understand that he wants to avoid any chance of going back to that dark place again. When he split up with me he was off work for 2 days and slept all the time. I dont know how to talk to him about his bi-polar. I dont want to bring it up when he is happy. When he is down I dont know how much he wants to talk about it either. Any advice? When we last 'split up' I told him I had been on some other dates bexause I was angry, but I told him that they didnt mean anything. Now I feel I betrayed him and he might be really hurt.
Any advice? I dont know what I feel any more.

Since the original post, i've realized in our "relationship" that openness is very important. I'm not sure how your ex is, but from all the opinions i've read and from my personal experience, if you have a question about bipolar- ask a bipolar.
If something has been on my mind, I will not bring it up while she is down. Definitely wait for the good days. Try to make it a lighthearted conversation. You may want to say something like, "i'm glad you seem so happy today... Can I ask you a few things about your illness (or whatever he refers to it as)?" once you get to know how he's feeling inside emotionally or are able to identify what physical characteristics appear during certain times, you'll be able to understand him and how he truly feels much more. In addition, asking him may provide more proof that you love him and want to learn more about his illness so you can help him during times of stress.

As for him being scared of a relationship, what i've also learned is bipolars tend to not want to make plans for the future. As ridiculous as it sounds to you and i, they sometimes don't want to make any promises because they don't know where they're going to be (i.E. Hospitalized, depressed, etc.) next week, next month, or next year. Even if we swear to be there during those times.

Another aspect of bipolars that i've recently learned is they have a huge conscience and they end up beating themselves up over little things. So, when you split up, he was probably so full of thoughts and worries about you and what you need that he didn't have the energy to get to work. Yes, he's probably hurt, but reassure him that you love him (don't just say it).

Above all and in everything else i've read and experienced... Patience is the key in this relationship. It takes so much time for a bipolar to adjust healthily, both when ending a relationship and beginning a new one.

I hope this helps

sorry so long

Hi there

thanks a lot shuddabotcake for what you posted some time back. I found it really helpful. You sounded very patient and open about what was happening and I often go back and read what you wrote to help me along. How are things with your relationship now?

Since I last posted I let 3 weeks pass before I contacted my ex again. I knew he would not call me since I know he feels bad that he is messing me around. When we had last spoken and I said maybe we shouldnt see each other he said that he didnt think he would be strong enough for that. Anyway..We met and it was lovely but I stuck to my decision which is if he wants us to be friends, then that is what it will be, but with no kissing and cuddling etc because that it what makes it feel confusing. He agreed but at the same time was so sweet and tender, it made it feel so difficult. He asked me to the cinema that same week and we had a lovely evening again. He kept caressing me which made it difficult but I went home. The tricky thing is that I know he wants more and I want more so maybe the friends thing wont work. He wants to spend time with me, kiss, cuddle etc, but not call it a relationship. I find that too hard. You were right to be patient and I am trying to be. I feel I know him better but I dont think he will change. Either I am not the right person for him or he does not want to be with anyone. I have felt though that he has opened up to me and that we are really close. I know that he loves me even though he may not be in love with me. This is why I want to try maintain a friendship with him. Over time I hope that it can take the form of a proper friendship without these added complications. It'll take time I guess. Am I being unrealistic? My ex's behaviour has not been as extreme as that of some of the posts here. He is on medication, but he stilll has times when he spends the whole weekend in bed. Its at these times i'd like him to call me as a friend. Sometimes he does. Although there are many times I think he has been selfish, he often suddenly says something that makes me realise that he is thinking of me. I think he feels bad that he is behaving like an "an problem" when he tells me he wants to be friends . He told me we mustnt carry on like this if it is messing my head up. The truth it is, it has and it does. I feel like I am walking on ground that continually changes and I never know what I can do. He has been consistent in other ways. He always answers the phone when I call, whatever he is doing. He answers my texts in 10 mins. He'll always meet me. He is always affectionate to me. Its just that sometimes he becomes very distant and it is hard. I end up thinking only of him. I know it's not necessarily about me, but then I feel upset that he is feeling bad and disconnected. Its only as this as go on that I realise how much I care for him. But I think he still needs to work things out for himself a bit. I dont know what I can do but be a friend to him. If I do any more, I think I will feel damaged. I do a bit already. I do think he's a good person and I want to be with him, but I just dont know how to do it. Although we dont talk specifically about bipolar, he tells me when he is really down, and missing his family, and when he finds work stressful etc. And I try to listen and just be there with him. I need to somehow make things move on. I guess what will be, will be.
Best wishes xx

Sorry I haven't posted in so long. It has been a complete rollercoaster with the holidays.

Since my last post, we have separated several times, only to return to one another again. Yet, on new year's day, we decided to stop seeing each other even as friends. I'd begun to accept the fact that she has a past love that she cannot let go. The hurt it has caused me each time she mentioned their name had become unbearable. I know it's hurting us both to not be together, but complicating matters with love and friendship isn't good for her not just as a bipolar, but as a person as well. I will forever love her and expect to talk to her again, even if it's years from now. Most likely, though, she'll call me within the week and we'll be back on the same track if I don't stay strong.

If I never see her again, I will not regret the times we've spent together. I have learned so much about the illness and have found myself even more compassionate to other people's feelings now.

It will be one of the hardest things i'll have to do; and if you're like me (somewhat of a co-dependent), it will be for you also. But it isn't beneficial for you to be mentally unstable trying to support him. I don't want to alter your hopes, but I was hospitalized for severe depression the beginning of december... I know this relationship has played a part in my development of depression, whether indirectly or directly. But I have become concerned about my own mental health. And is a major reason why it's ending.

In closing, the best advice I have is:
communication: even if it hurts, tell them. Even if you're scared, ask them.
Compassion: understand what they say isn't always what they mean; however, when statements are repeated, take it to heart.
Patience: you already know about this one!
No assumptions: again, ask...
Support: during low times, offer your presence, it may be all they need to make it through. But don't push it - sometimes they might need to be alone.

Last, and most important; put your mental stability first. Loving a bipolar is so very complex. You may want to consider seeing a therapist for your own support.

I sooo wish you the best and would like to hear from you on your situation.