My mother-in-law is abusive, but thinks she is helpful, when she is really a bully. I try not to fall into her trap, but lately, she has become even more demanding. I do not let her opinions define me and can usually ignore her comments or address them in a polite manner without being pulled into a fight with her. (f.Y.I., my husband is an only child and is still struggling with how to deal with his mother.) I have read the following article and it covers part of the situation: http://ehealthforum.Com/health/profile.Php ?Mode=activate&u=79865&act_key=7b7 9b0972e6b

as I mentioned, the situation has now changed, because my father-in-law has recently retired. I believe her expectations of what their relationship was instantly supposed to be and her insecurities have caused her to bully even more.

When they go out to dinner and he speaks to/or someone speaks to him, she instantly becomes jealous and makes inappropriate comments or obviously kicks him under the table to signal that he should stop talking. Even if it is a man speaking to my father-in-law... In that case, she will loudly say that the only reason this guy is taking to her husband, is because he is gay and looking to pick him up.

If she makes a comment and everyone at the table ignores it, she continues in a back handed compliment which openly conveys her critical opinion of the current conversation, person, etc. If someone (like myself, my husband or father-in-law) makes a suggestion that her comment/action is not appropriate or tries to change the subject, she states loudly that they (the other person) didn't hear what she said or loudly implies they are too dumb to know that she was referring to them. This in turn, usually means that we avoid going out with her, if possible. Which leads to excessive complaining on her part that she is stuck at home all the time, even though she will not go out on her own, except on her "grocery shopping day". (she doesn't drive because she panics easily and her days are very structured and if things don't follow her schedule, she becomes flustered and panics.) if any of the three of us bring up the last "outing" and what happened, she denies it completely... She didn't say that, how could you think she would say or do those things, etc.

It all seems to be a game that she plays to keep control and make people do what she wants. The problem is, that we don't really know what she wants.

Sometimes the things that she fusses about are not rational at all, but there seems to be no good way to deal with her.
Another example, would be just before last christmas. My husband and I went over for dinner. My father-in-law had put up the outside lights that day. As we pulled into the driveway, he was in the process of plugging them all into one another. He realized that he had strung one set on a bush backwards and that there was no way to plug it in without taking them off and redoing it. Now, to be late for the dinner she had prepared brings reoccuring complaints throughout the meal, so he said he would fix it tomorrow. She came out and examined the lights, but she would not let him go in until he had fixed the lights. In the process of restringing the lights, he noticed that the plug was broken. So, he came in for the meal (and complaints about how it was ruined, not that it was, because he took so long.) he mentioned the broken plug. During the rest of the evening, between normal conversations, my mother-in-law would repeatedly interject complaints about the ruined meal or practically cry about what the neighbors must think about the pathetic christmas light display.

Am I correct in thinking this is a bully mentality? Or is it co-dependency, ocd or what?
Any additional suggestions as to what I should do?