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Q: Is It Too Soon?

asked by: Sunflower_pie81 on October 3rd, 2006

Extremely eHealthy

This is a tough question for me to ask, but I know I can't ask my family and friends because I dont' know how they will react to my question.

As many of you know my husband passed away in may. I miss him a lot, we were together for a long time most of my teens and all of my twentys so far. We have a lot of history which includes loosing a baby. We seperated the week before his accident and we were talking about working things out. Eventhough our marriage wasn't the best at the time he died I still loved him and I still greive at the abscence of his presents.

That being said...

How soon is it ok to start sing someone else? At what point should I move on with my life? How soon is too soon? I feel so guilty asking these questions.

I am asking because a good friend of ours has asked me out on a date. I told him I wasn't comfortable dating yet. So instead he asked me to accompany him to a wedding for a friend of his.....And I would be his date. He said that if I was ok with this we would talking about having dinner and maybe dancing. What do you guys think?

Replies(16)

jparry

replied on October 3rd, 2006

Experienced User

No one can tell you how soon is to soon.. Some people move quickly others stay single forever.... Do what you feel is right.. Go if you wanna go and have a good time.. I hope that you can decide how soon would be to soon.. I wish you the best of luck.. And hopefully no one will look down on you for your decision..

Melissa_20

replied on October 3rd, 2006

Especially eHealthy

Like the first poster said,do what you feel is ok.If its too soon don't do it. Wait until you feel .Y.O.U are comfortable with the whole dating thing again. Don't worry about how others look at it.Its your life and its how you feel.They have to understand,although you love your hubby,you do't want to remain alone for the rest of your life.You deserve to be happy too hun!

Sandbox Party

replied on October 3rd, 2006

Especially eHealthy

Gen, hun if u are questioning it.... Its too soon.

You'll know in ur heart when its time.

sandyallen

replied on October 3rd, 2006

Extremely eHealthy

Sunflowe_pie81

I am not here to judge you! No one knows when it is time but you! After what you have been through, you deserve some happiness and you do say he is a friend. Whatever you decide I will be happy for you either way.

smoothiesRyummy

replied on October 3rd, 2006

Experienced User

rainfire1424 wrote:

gen, hun if u are questioning it.... Its too soon.

You'll know in ur heart when its time.

i disagree... It's 100% natural to question if it's too soon or not when a significant other dies, no matter how long it's been afterwards. I know it from experience. No one is going to go straight into a first relationship after their husband's died and not have doubts.

I know someone who got into a relationship a year after their husband was shot and killed, and no one's disapproved of it and she's very happy with the new man she's with. (my french teacher was married to the tennis coach and is now dating the orchestra teacher- sounds strange lol).

BlinkyBill

replied on October 3rd, 2006

Experienced User

You and only you will know when it's time...Don't push yourself and don't get pushed into a relationship either.

If you have interests join a club and meet people, this will also help the grieving process and you will feel more confident.

Goodluck with it all my prayers are with you.

Sandbox Party

replied on October 3rd, 2006

Especially eHealthy

smoothiesryummy wrote:

rainfire1424 wrote:

gen, hun if u are questioning it.... Its too soon.

You'll know in ur heart when its time.

i disagree as well...

But im not going to turn this into an argument.

Genipher.. I love you like a sister and want you to be happy.

Your heart will tell you its time.
Nothing and no one else can do that.

We're here for u girl.. We all want u to be happy. Just dont rush into something just becasue u feel obligated.

Sunflower_pie81

replied on October 4th, 2006

Extremely eHealthy

Thanks sandra, I don't know what to do, but I think that going to a wedding with a friend wont' be much of a problem. I need a night out away from everything. As far as dating I think I am not ready.....I'll take my time and I guess i'll figure out when I am ready.

Jules

replied on October 4th, 2006

Extremely eHealthy

I think there will definitely be people in your family (and his) who will feel that it is too soon since he only passed away in .May. However, it is no-one's place to judge you because you have still got your life to live and i'm sure your late husband would rather that you found someone to love and care for you than for you to be alone.

As many of the other ladies have said - go with your heart. Take it nice and slow and remember you can back out at any time.

All the best.

Sandbox Party

replied on October 4th, 2006

Especially eHealthy

sunflower_pie81 wrote:

thanks sandra, I don't know what to do, but I think that going to a wedding with a friend wont' be much of a problem. I need a night out away from everything. As far as dating I think I am not ready.....I'll take my time and I guess i'll figure out when I am ready.

if your heart cant decide, and ur ehads all confused, then it means its too soon.

Theres nothing wrong with going out and having fun.. You need it, you deserve it. Just dont get yourself into something you cant handle.

Now is the best time to focus on *you*.

chrissy721

replied on October 4th, 2006

Active User, very eHealthy

It's definetly your call. This guy seems like he's pretty nice and willing to just be a friend. It might be good to get out and have someone to talk to and have some fun.

By the way, your baby is so precious. Makes me smile just to see her in the picture of your avatar. Smile

Kia

replied on October 4th, 2006

Supporter

Lol I agree pretty much with both of you.

You will always question if it is right to start dating after the loss of a significant other - that is natural.

However, if you are not sure (after questioning yourself) then yes, it's probably too soon.

If you can think - "am I right to be dating someone else? Hmm yes, I want to move forward" then go for it.

When is all said and done, i'm sure your hubby wouldn't want you to be lonesome forever, i'm sure he would want you to be happy.

Moving forward does not mean forgetting. It means accepting and drawing a line under the past.
Nothing in the future will change the past.

If you are comfortable spending time with this guy, then maybe try going on some "light dates" - public places for lunch or something.
And see how you feel? Are you comfortable? Does he respect you, etc?

Then maybe in time you might go on a more intimate date say dinner and a movie, then gradually move on from there.

Tazzy D

replied on October 4th, 2006

Advanced Support Team

My opinion is as long as you are comfortable. If you dont feel comfotable then dont. You will never know until you try.

Sunflower_pie81

replied on October 4th, 2006

Extremely eHealthy

chrissy721 wrote:

by the way, your baby is so precious. Makes me smile just to see her in the picture of your avatar. Smile

thanks so much chrissy. I love her to death.

Thanks to all of you. I am going to go to the wedding because it gives me a really good reason to go out and get prettied up. Lol. I need to feel pretty for a night. But I think that any time after that i'll have to see. I spoke with my friend and explained to him that I wasn't sure about going out on a 'date' but I would be happy to go as his guest to the wedding. And he was like we will go at your pace and start with friends. Eventhough we have been friends for like 5 years. I'll let you know how it goes on saterday.

Tazzy D

replied on October 4th, 2006

Advanced Support Team

Have a great time

leeannep4

replied on October 4th, 2006

New User

I think that going to the wedding is a great start if you are comfortable because after saturday you'll know if you are totally not ready to go any further or if you might could start some light dating with this friend. I totally agree with what the others have said, only you will know when you are ready and it is frankly no one esle in the family's business, they have to let you make decisions, grieve, and move forward in your own way and time frame. If you are still questioning after saturday, then it is probably too soon. Have a good time sat. And good luck.

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