I have been haring voices for a long time now and thought that it was just normal. I write alot when I am having real truble coping with it. Bellow is what I wrote at 2:30 in the morning. For the most part I can function. Granted I will not hear poeple right next to me but I can always hear them in my head. Does anyone else have these problems or know of anyon who does?
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what is wrong with me? Am I truly schizophrenic? I canât even concentrate on completing a full sentence at the moment without being distracted from myself. The voices sometimes are too much but what is worse is the fact that I am not in total control. I hold myself up in my room for days some times and come up with ways to explain it away. I donât even know if what I see or hear is real sometimes. I wish I can record what is going on in my head. It seems to be getting worse lately. I used to be able to cope and only have major problems once and a while but lately it all seems to be coming down. I forget things. Essential things like paying bills, eating and sleeping. Then other times I sleep too much and eat too much. What can I do? I canât even stay on track when iâm trying to explain my head. Yes, I hear voices other than my own. They are me because I know there is nobody else there for the most part but the voices still are there. This has been going on for years. I would talk to them before I had a real conversation to see if that is exactly what I wanted to say. They are men and women. People I know and ones I donât. You can never know how hard this is to write. I, at first, thought that this was normal. Everyone talks to themselves in their head. Then I realized that they meant themselves as in singular. Not plural as in everyone they know. I lived in denial I guess. Mainly denial in my psychotic episodes if that is the scientific term for them. I would day dream except that the dreams are real. I get hurt it actually hurts. I get shot I feel the bullet in me and the sharp burning. I get squashed by a truck full of logs I canât breathe. I see the world around me and yet I do not. My body is like its on auto pilot. Going through the routines and my mind is not. I am lost, very lost. I have things I must do yet for some reason I cannot move my body to do them. I am not in control. Even as I write this I am being laughed at by them. Called crazy and called a liar. They try to reason with me to do things and not do them. I just thought I could handle this alone but I cannot. This is hard, very hard. Why does this have to be me? Why? They say it is because I want to be special, different and that this I the answer. Every great mind has its flaws. Itâs just what gets out is what makes the mind great. I donât want pills. I just want to be alone and yet I truly donât want that. I love people and yet I always want to get away. Iâm sorry I am sick. This hurts so bad to tell. I guess you know the truth now. A truth I do not wish to share let alone accept. Donât feel sorry for me. That is the thing I donât want. I just need to share my life and find a way to continue. To be me, no matter how crazy the doctors wish to call me. I just want to be me.
I am not always this way. Most of the time they are helpful or just quiet but some times they push forward. I looked it up and they say that my age range is when you develop it. It scares me to think that this is happening. I guess that I need to accept that this is me and not be afraid of what others will think of me.
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I get parinoid sometimes. It's usually about stupid things like bugs crawling on me or that I am being followed. I see things move that should not. Like this morning I kept seeing a bush moving closer and closer to me. Or a mailbox that would twist to the right and then snap back into position. Some times I see demons and ghosts. I think I need to go find help.
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