Not an expert, but you may have to take matter into your own hands - literally - you need to manually dilate your tweeter there.
A lot of it may be psychological, definitely sounds that way in your case, but knowing that doesn't neccesarily help, as it appears to be an involuntary reflex action.
I would be very careful about intercourse untill your can remain dialted - if you spasm while he's inside you they'll have to throw a bucket of cold water on him so he can disengage - your gonna be on oral, finger banging and jilling off for a while i'm afraid.
Typically, dilators are prescribed, along with relaxation excercises, the key is to dilate the vagina, and relax the pubococcygeus muscle. Your best bet might be to try anal plugs, teardrop shaped, they have a tapered tip that will be easier to work in.
Very hard, smooth ones might work better at first. Glass even, if you can find them, but i'd stick with the bigger ones, a thin one might break even though they should be tempered glass. The very large tempered glass anal plugs should be safe, though expensive - you can place them on the floor and work it - you don't have to get the whole thing in, just dilate the opening.
Convincing your bf to swab the lilly might help too - if you can orgasm, it should relax those pubococcygeus muscles some, adn if he's present at these sessions, it might ease some of the stress that's causing it.
I'd recommend anal, but i'm entirely sure that you wouldn't encounter the same problem - see the "thinking about trying anal" thread for technique tips on vaginal dilation, which is similar to anal technique - doubt if you'll be able to do fisting anytime soon either, but short of full fisting, the approach techniques are similar, lubrication, patience, etc.
See if you can get to the point where you can work three fingers in and remain dilated and relaxed - whenyou can do that without excessive effort every time, you can consider having sex.
Not trying to be crude here, just the facts, it's gotta be frustrating for you.
Http://en.Wikipedia.Org/wiki/vaginismus
