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Q: Concerned Aunt

asked by: WorriedAunt on September 17th, 2006

New User

My 18 year old niece has found herself with an unwanted pregnancy. On her own, she has chosen to abort. The decision was made and appt. Set prior to her contacting me today.

This was a huge decision for her not only because of the standard reasons but because we come from a very right winged, religious and very anti abortion family. She even considered herself anti abortion until this week. Please take not that I am not using the term "pro life", my family isn't pro life - they are anti abortion - I am not sure I can explain the difference - but there is one :)

her father (my brother) is a minister in their community, so one of her reasons for having the abortion is to spare him the embarrassment. Now, I don't necessarily agree with that, however I do agree with her that she is too young and as freshman in college on a full scholarship has a bright future in front of her and having a child wouldn't be fair to her or the child.

I complete disagree with most everything my family thinks - so I fully support her decision, however I would have supported her decision for parenthood or adoption as well.

My question is two-fold, I have talked about the risks of a medical abortion with a friend of mine who happens to be an md. He mildly suggested that he would recommend surgical even though she is only at 3 weeks. Plan b failed when taken on day 3. He thinks that the pill is safe enough, but was concerned that she might not take it as seriously as a surgical procedure to ensure her safety afterward. I live 2 hours (without traffic) away from her and since no one else knows of her circumstance, that is concerning for me. In your experiences will she be okay without someone there? From a distance how can I gauge whether or not to pull the plug and get her help?

Secondly and most importantly - do any of you have any advice on how I can support her through this. With our family background - there will most likely be a large degree of guilt for her.

I appreciate any counsel that any of you might have - I have only been in this circumstance once and plan b worked for me - so I am at a loss.

Replies(18)

Tylanas

replied on September 17th, 2006

Especially eHealthy

Well, it sounds like she's fairly respinsible and has he head on her shoulders, as she was able to come to her own desicion without people pressuring her. So she seems like a good candidate for a medical abortion, and being able to handle the unique challenges that come with it. However, if you are concerned you could always spend a day or night with her. If she's at a college, many of them allow overnight visitors to dorms, especially if the visitor is a family member and/or the same gender.

Hopefully carifairy or jenn will be on in the next few hours with more hard-core medical help for you :)

WorriedAunt

replied on September 17th, 2006

New User

eiri wrote:

well, it sounds like she's fairly respinsible and has he head on her shoulders, as she was able to come to her own desicion without people pressuring her. So she seems like a good candidate for a medical abortion, and being able to handle the unique challenges that come with it. However, if you are concerned you could always spend a day or night with her. If she's at a college, many of them allow overnight visitors to dorms, especially if the visitor is a family member and/or the same gender.

Hopefully carifairy or jenn will be on in the next few hours with more hard-core medical help for you :)

thank you!

WorriedAunt

replied on September 17th, 2006

New User

Re: Concerned Aunt

stillherelosers wrote:

worriedaunt wrote:

she even considered herself anti abortion until this week.

but of course... The "my abortion is the only moral" one type. I say you rat her out and make her accept the punishment of pregnancy... Just as she would do to another woman.

people live and learn - as far as I am concerned there is nothing to "rat out". This is no ones business but hers. Good day.

sandyallen

replied on September 17th, 2006

Extremely eHealthy

Worried Aunt

It sounds like your .Niece has a good head on her shoulders and with it being an unplanned pregnancy she is not ready to raise a child or go through being pregnant fo nine months, sure you can talk to her and she might change her mind but in the long run it is her body and her choice and she must live with the consequenses. There are a lot of females that say that they well never have an abortion that end up having them, she does not sound like she is ready to raise a child and put her college on hold or have someone else raise the baby or have the help raising it, if you really love her you will try to understand whatever her choice may be, eventhough it may not be something that you may not do but because you love her you will forgive her or try to understand her reasonings and if she hasn't had the abortion yet she may back out, who knows but you do have to remember that it is her body and it is her choice.
All the best!

Carifairy

replied on September 17th, 2006

Extremely eHealthy

Personally, I prefer surgical abortion to medical abortion. The bleeding during med abortion is extremely heavy, and the pain is worse than a meidcal abortion. A medical abortion takes up to 8 hours to complete, but most women average 4 hours ..It is an induced miscarriage with contractions and cramping, I would think her family would notice that something was up.

During a surgical abortion you can pay a little extra money and get iv sedation, or general anesthesia and be put to sleep. I don't reccomend it awake because obviously it hurts, and sometimes pain can make an already stressful situation much harder to handle..You know? Surgical is much more quickly done, and is better imo.

Here is a list of aboriton clinics.. It has their websites, how much they charge, and what type of anesthesia is available.

Gynpages.Com

i work in an abortion clinic, and if you have any questions feel free to ask =)

WorriedAunt

replied on September 17th, 2006

New User

Re: Worried Aunt

sandyallen wrote:

it sounds like your .Niece has a good head on her shoulders and with it being an unplanned pregnancy she is not ready to raise a child or go through being pregnant fo nine months, sure you can talk to her and she might change her mind but in the long run it is her body and her choice and she must live with the consequenses. There are a lot of females that say that they well never have an abortion that end up having them, she does not sound like she is ready to raise a child and put her college on hold or have someone else raise the baby or have the help raising it, if you really love her you will try to understand whatever her choice may be, eventhough it may not be something that you may not do but because you love her you will forgive her or try to understand her reasonings and if she hasn't had the abortion yet she may back out, who knows but you do have to remember that it is her body and it is her choice.
All the best!

thanks - I may not have been clear though - I fully support her decision - I think that it is absolutely the best possible solution. I would make the same decision in her situation. I don't agree with how she came to her conclusion because I do believe that this is completely her decision and shouldn't be influenced by how others may feel about an unplanned pregnancy etc.

WorriedAunt

replied on September 17th, 2006

New User

carifairy wrote:

personally, I prefer surgical abortion to medical abortion. The bleeding during med abortion is extremely heavy, and the pain is worse than a meidcal abortion. A medical abortion takes up to 8 hours to complete, but most women average 4 hours ..It is an induced miscarriage with contractions and cramping, I would think her family would notice that something was up.

During a surgical abortion you can pay a little extra money and get iv sedation, or general anesthesia and be put to sleep. I don't reccomend it awake because obviously it hurts, and sometimes pain can make an already stressful situation much harder to handle..You know? Surgical is much more quickly done, and is better imo.

Here is a list of aboriton clinics.. It has their websites, how much they charge, and what type of anesthesia is available.

Gynpages.Com

i work in an abortion clinic, and if you have any questions feel free to ask =)

seems that surgical is the general consensus - thanks. The clinic she is going to is on your list - so that makes me feel better.

What are your thoughts about me staying down there? It is complicated but I can probably make the arrangements if necessary.

sandyallen

replied on September 17th, 2006

Extremely eHealthy

Worried Aunt

I understand now! Cairifairy is a lot of help here! I would trust her information!

jenn_smithson

replied on September 17th, 2006

Active User, very eHealthy

worriedaunt wrote:

carifairy wrote:

since cari gave you the medical info, i'll try to help with this portion.

Ask your niece if she would like you to stay with her. Most likely, it will be rough for her for a few days but she should be just fine after her hormones return to closer to normal levels. Since she came to the decision on her own, there's no reason to suspect that she will have lingering issues (every woman is different but the statistical odds are that she will do just fine).

If she thinks she'll need you, then you can choose to make plans to be near her. If she thinks she'll be alright, just keep in close contact after everything is over with. She'll probably need a kind, compassionate, non-judgmental person to speak to and she's very lucky that one such person is her aunt.

Best of luck to both of you. Keep us posted if you have any more questions.

Peace,
jenn

WorriedAunt

replied on September 17th, 2006

New User

Thanks to all who have replied, I truly appreciate the guidance. I think that to be safe I am going to book a hotel in the area and play it off as a business trip... I have clients in the area so a sunday am tee time shouldn't be too hard to pass :)

Tylanas

replied on September 17th, 2006

Especially eHealthy

Could someone please delete stillhere's anti-choice and anti-support posts? I'd do it, if I could.

sandyallen

replied on September 18th, 2006

Extremely eHealthy

Worried Aunt

I am sorry that I mis-understood you. I can understand you being worried about your. Niece!
All the best to you both!

Birch

replied on September 18th, 2006

Extremely eHealthy

Although not an appropriate place, nor worded in an appropriate manner, "stillherelosers" has a valid point. Many women are anti-abortion until they are sitting there in the bathroom with the sign on the stick. Then reality hits, and who you once thought you were you must now rethink. I wish I could get this across to many of the men who are anti-abortion. They will not have to face this reality, and they will never have this epiphany many women do. It is very easy to say..."oh, I would never...Do this, do that" but when you are faced with making these decisions is when you really find out what you would or would not do.

Birch

replied on September 19th, 2006

Extremely eHealthy

Edit

Tylanas

replied on September 19th, 2006

Especially eHealthy

I believe carifairy and jenn have posted anecdotal experience with this, and there was a very long article copied to the pro-choice forum about it as well.

jenn_smithson

replied on September 19th, 2006

Active User, very eHealthy

eiri wrote:

i believe carifairy and jenn have posted anecdotal experience with this, and there was a very long article copied to the pro-choice forum about it as well.

a study would be nearly impossible to perform because you would have to identify "prolife" women who would be willing to admit that they had an abortion. Survey data would be useless due to problems with social desirability.

Tylanas

replied on September 19th, 2006

Especially eHealthy

There was still an article on it. I didn't say "data" or "survery", I said article because that is what it was.

Birch

replied on September 20th, 2006

Extremely eHealthy

I'm just so glad that my non offensive-hoping for education- remarks were just wiped right out. After all, i'm well known for my offensive attacks of other posters and my desire to crucify those that don't agree with my point of view.

Perhaps a moving of topics was called for instead of a pure deletion.

Can we could move the posts starting from my original post in this thread on to the 'abortion debate' forum? Please? :d

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