How can you possibly be all that matters when his child or shall I say children should be all that matters. Not to mention the mere fact that if you "mattered" any he would never have gotten another woman pregnant. You cant handle the child......Then move on because its gonna need his father whether you like it or not.

It is very easy to say the children are all that matters and deal with it. Unfortunately the geographic realities of the situation are such that it will be impossible for him to be a present parent to both of these kids. This is the situation that he and this woman created. In an ideal world maybe but there is no way I am staying in this foreign country where I moved for him as a single mother without any support system.
The other mother is not telling anyone, including her own family, who the father is because she is so ashamed. I do not know why it falls on me to think about the best interests of this child. Clearly its parents didn't. Tough break.

Pardon me, but how on earth can she hide a pregnancy, baby, child from her family, she is not doing what is right for the baby-to-be it almost sounds like she is using this pregnancy to keep him around. It is none of my business but does he plan on marrying either one of you and do you totally trust him? In a way I can understand you wanting to run away but is that right for the bay-to-be he/she should know the father and you should make him pay child support(just my opinion). If she is that ashamed maybe she should make other arrangementss and the father should take over full custody. You have to wake up and make some decisions here and I hope that you make the right one's as it is your choice. Their is no need to be jealous, he is the one that messed up, you had him 1st, she was a supposedly friend that kind of stabbed you in the back!
Keep us posted!
We are here for you!
All the best!

She is not planning to hide the pregnancy but is lying about who the father is to her family and just refusing to tell anyone else. Says someday she wants to tell the kid though- not sure how that is supposed to work.
Obviously I dont fully trust him right now but we are in counseling and I think that we could work it out. We do love each other a lot , I trust that.
Her sister has offered to take the baby etc. Dont think she will do that. Is 36, feels this may be her last chance blah blah
i know it sounds like running away but I moved to a foreign country- his home- with him, for him a year and a half ago. I have no close friends or family here. There is no way I can get through this, whether we stay together or not, in this enviroment. I need people around who I can talk to- this will be a long road.
He says he will come with me. He wrote her that he wants to have no further contact until the baby is born and it is time to talk about child support.
I beleive him that he is sorry beyond words. He cries every day(only saw him cry before when his dad died) and he is really working on himself- seeing therapist etc. He would pay child support if we split. Money is not the issue. I am more worried about emotional recovery. Can't see being able to play stepmom to this kid. Have accepted that it would need to know who dad is and see him every so often- but that is about all. Our child was planned and committed to and it seems wrong that the situations may end up reversed and my poor baby only sees dad twice a year.
As for you question, he will marry me but I am not interested at the moment. No ongoing interest in other woman- do beleive that , she is really not bright enough for him- it was more of a losing independence, autonomy panic thing I think (and this seems to be what is coming out in therapy.

Stay where you are..............Wanna stay with the guy, no problem............Raise your child, but always remember the other child........He/she is not the "other woman" and yes it will be a constant reminder but it is afterall an innocent child...........It doesn't matter if the mother or her family have it "on the ball"...............Do the human thing, the right thing and let the "other child" have rights(emotional and financial) to his father...............To do otherwise is pure evil. :)

Staying where I am is absolutely not an option for me under any circumstance. I don't think rhetoric of `evil' is particularly useful. I think it is far more cruel of her to decide to keep this child under the circumstances. She says she does not want it and the father certainly does not. That is an unfortunate thing to saddle a baby with.

He messed up really bad and is going to have to choose which child is in his life on a regular basis. In my own personal experience these very occasional dads are quite disapointing for kids. It is not what I planned for mine. But I matter too.

You know what? The others are right,that other child deserves to have his/er father also.But it is not up to you,it is up to him.If he asks what yu want,tell him.I know if it were mei would want him to lose all contact.I know this sounds mean but its what I would wat.The thing is,what we want isn't always whats best.Its a hard decision your going to have to make

Thanks for understanding melissa. I have backed away from my intial reaction of no contact. We agreed the kid should know him etc. It is more the level at which this will be possible. After counseling he told me that our family is his primary commitment and rate of visits etc will always be negotiated between the two of us. And I really cannot see a comprehensive inclusion in any life we share.

I agree with the others on some level, but I also live in the real world. Kids don't always get everything that they need/deserve. My beautiful neice basically has no dad because he has mental and drug problems. It is unfair but she is also ok, has stong relationships with her grandfather, uncles and my sister's wonderful fiance. In fact, my sister as a (now almost former) single mother does not think extremely minimal contact is a terrible option here. The other woman has a huge family, tons of friends and hopefully will meet an available man. I dont have a big problem with a teenage/young adult seeking a relationship (this is the time when my friends who grew up without fathers around tended to go looking for them). I am far more concerned with my partner feeling guilty and this tearing us apart than I am about the trauma to the child. Half the kids in the world are raised by mothers alone.

I realise that this is unorthodox and will get the family values people howling for blood. But I do not adhere to conventional wisdom and I am not just saying all this as some kind of self serving justification. I tried to create a situation in which my kid would have dad around everyday but I see that this may not happen and I think it will be much sadder for me than my child if thats the way it goes - he/she will have the same cocoon of love around as my neice does.

how dare you think that shes cruel for keeping the child and giving it a chance to live because of your cheating no good man? Hes the one who is selfish and cruel one.There is nothing different with her circumstance v.S yours hon....Your both gonna lose this guy in the end and you all are gonna have to face it..... No one who cheats loves or respects ! And fyi, easy or not the children are all that matter.

There is something different, you santimonious cow. She was meant to be a friend and she knew that I was pregnant when she had unprotected sex with him. In fact found out an hour before , congratulated me and went off with him. I knew nothing about what was going on
. I am not only suggesting abortion (although I might have had one myself if I had known the situation in time- if this is unacceptable to you we are just on completeley different planets) her sister and others have offered to take this child that she says she does not want.

Actually it's "sanctimonious cow"........................Ha.......Ha... ........Good one! But just cause it's something you don't agree with doesn't make it wrong.
Okay the beau made a big .Boo .Boo and so did the so called "friend".......I could forgive both.....Afterall it's just sex(and a little betrayal mixed in?!).......Probably not forget......How do you forget something like that?! Especially with "evidence" left behind.
As for the woman saying she doesn't want the baby..................
Women say all kinds of cr*p, most likely to see what his reaction would be or to get a rise out of him(and you)..........If she's going through with the pregnancy.......I'm pretty sure she wants the child...........................Why else would she go through all that................Money?Not enough..............Revenge?Shes in the wrong.

I doubt i'd be strong enough to go through that and still remain with the dude....................It'd always be in the back of my mind................Your a stronger lady than I am. :)

if your gonna throw insults make sure you know how to spell them correctly for one. And secondly, dont be angry with me because i'm telling you the truth and you dont like the answer youre getting. You think im gonna sit here and feel pitty for you? Nope!!! I dont feel bad for any adult who thinks her feelings are more important than an innocent child....You need to grow up and realize he doesnt love you and if he did he would have kept his penis in his pants......I would have felt bad but the moment you opened your big selfish mouth ..I felt nothing but disgust...And by the way dont call me a cow because most probably look better than you....Oh and I do feel sorry for you..For wanting to hold on to fairytale and think that your child will help your relationship....Wake up !

He cheated on you, why would you stay with that filth???

Not to come off as rude but both knew you were pregnant eh? Anyways what will gurantee that he wont do it again everytime something stresses him out, the way I see it he did it purposely to get rid of you, he didnt wear the condom so it has become 1/2 his fault right there.

How would you feel getting stds when you were being loyal, it would suck and could cause problems with stds, he sunk lower than earth aww another reason I hate men....

Anyways i'm going to stop before I go to far

Never said I was sure that I was staying with him. I found this out two weeks ago, am 5 and a half months pregnant and am all over the place. You may be right that he did it to get rid of me- really don't know. All I know is I am going home and he is selling up here and coming along to either try to work things out or be close to our baby.

Emma2- sorry about that, I was typing fast- as you probably guessed that was meant to be sanctimonious cow. I don't think the child will help our relationship- as I said, had I know about this when it happened I would have seriously considered an abortion- but a child is coming and I have to decide whether or not its going to have this problem around as a dad(which you seem to think is crucial) there are 6000 miles of geographic relalities here.
Listen, emma I can see that you have all the answers, are undoubtably incredibly hot(much hotter, I am sure, than me) and have an intricate knowledge of pcsycology(marrige counsler I am guessing) . But I think that from here on out I will stick to to the proffessionals that we are seeing to avoid hearing these jerry springer show wisdoms (if he loved you he would have kept his penis in his pants) that have nothing to do with the sad pathetic realities of the world. People sabatoge their lives for all sorts of reasons, love is usually not among them.
Please dont bother to correct my spelling - I am not spending a whole lot of time on this.
Thanks for everything folks- its been real.

i would rather be a self-righteous cow anyday over some self- hating individual like you. And yes, I did study pyschology....And yes, go seek some further professional help because you clearly are in need. Good luck.