Dealign with biploar is more difficult to the person whom it affects than anyone I think. I have biploar and everyday is a fight against my illness. There are so many days that I pray that I will wake up and be normal, and that I will never have to deal with bipolar again... But I wake up every morning knowing that I have an illness that I cannot escape. It is very tiring.
I know that people like to think that biplaors are crazyor whatever the sterotype of day is but really we are like anyon else. Just trying to make it through the day. In most cases I think it would be fair ot say that this is not something that we would choose to suffer from. Moat of us are bornb this way, and are left to our own devices until someone comes along and sees that we are suffering from an incurable illness.

Maybe I come off as being a little mellow dramatic but you really have to be biploar to even begin to underdtans what it does to a person. There are many times I wish I could take back things that I have doen but I cannot I do underdtand that I was ill and that in its' self is no excuse is it thr truth.

I would suggest that yo find soem books about biplolar and start trying to understand the illness.

Thanks for your reply. I assure I am doing what you instructed actually.
I've read 5 books on bipolar (so far) and am on 3 forums. I've also gone into therapy seeking to understand both him and myself. Actually, i've been diagnosed with depression myself and one of my psychiatrists once said that there was a slight chance that I could be somewhat manic-depressive because of some of my tendencies to get quite intense into involvements in organization and studies (like reading about bipolar).
But i've never castigated anyone, torn them down to their face, and called them horrid names.
I am coming to a very compassionate understanding of this, but none of the books i've read have ever detailed what a person is thinking when they do this. They seem to gloss over the fact and make it seem like the person is talking about having a tantrum at a stimulus vs. An unprovoked critique.
What really, truly concerns me now is that my friend was believing that his landlord had it in for him, then he was a satanist casting spells, then the police were going to frame him for soemthing, and now he thinks i, the person who cares for him and would never, ever, ever do this to even an enemy, I am trying to poison him!!!
My heart is breaking over this, as objective as I am trying to be.
I understand that this is a psychotic behaviour, and I honesty don't know what to do but watch, if he even will continue to converse with me.
When might he come out of this? How do I respond to this type of conversation? None of the books i've consumed even hint at this and what to do when someone simply won't seek help.
Help?

Mmica,

he's non-compliant and abusive. Stop right there and be thankful you are not married to him.

Unless he's in immediate danger of hurting himself or you (and by that time it may be too late to stop him--yes, it is a possibility and not one to be taken lightly) there is nothing you can do to make him take care of himself and manage his illness on his own.

And unless you have iron-clad boundaries in place they can destroy you and never improve themselves.

Life is too short. He's not your child. You are not responsible for him. If you know his doctor's name and number, you could try calling and leaving a message. But they can't confirm or deny whether he's a patient (hipaa laws in the us), and they can't make him take care of himself either.

Sadly, you may have to remove yourself from his life so he can hit bottom and go up. If you cushion his fall you can get injured (and in fact, you already have been due to the abuse) and he won't take this seriously.

I think the bipolar respondent made it pretty clear how too many bipolars feel about this illness. Ultimately, it's your responsibility to put up with an endless banquet of bullshitte--and smile while it's being shoved into your face, or else you will be described as "cold and uncaring", "not sympathetic enough!" or some variation on the theme.

The compliant ones, as in meds and therapy, realize that on some level, this is their problem to deal with, now and forever. That placing the burden of responsibility of charting, second-guessing, eating shitte, placating, coaxing, protecting oneself and children from the bipolar, protecting the bipolar from him or herself, isn't being a particularly responsible or good person.

He's not healthy enough. You are being abused. Take care of yourself. If this were happening to your sister, or brother, or best friend--what would you tell them to do? Would you offer them a safe haven? Or would you say, "well, just do it better!"

if a few years from now he's stable, responsible and makes real efforts to acknowledge and fix the damage he's done and you are both interested in a relationship--go for it. But not now. He's got a lot of growing up to do.

Read my link “if you are thinking about dating someone that is bipolar, read here first”.

You are playing the co-dependent role. I know I have been there. You cannot fix him. No matter what you do. I was abused verbally and put down for 10 months. It was constant. And if he wasn’t doing it directly to me he was talking about someone else negatively. It was horrible. Get out while you can. I love my ex dearly. I have tried reaching out to him numerous times, but he is mean, spiteful and vengeful. It’s been 15 months since we broke up and I only went out with him for 10 months. He is the most destructive person I have ever met. I pray and cry for him every day. But you’ re getting caught up in a cycle and trust me, its never ending.

A friend put it to me this way, do you remember the movie silence of the lambs? Jodie foster was trying to figure out who the killer was but couldn’t, so what did she do? She went to pick the mind of another killer, because only he was the only one that could understand the other killers crimes. Same with bipolars. You will never understand the bipolar mind unless you are bipolar. Not even they can fully understand their illness. The medication does not cure them, it only keeps them stable. They don’t think rational so you will drive yourself crazy trying to think why they act a certain way. You are thinking rational with someone that thinks irrationally.

I can tell you right now that the most important thing for any person with the bipolar illness is stability. In their life, their home and employment. Any small change can set them off. My ex lived in the same condo for 13 years. When we moved into his new home it sparked a manic stage and all hell broke lose. He wasn’t sleeping, and became completely irate over everything. It took me a long time to accept that he is crazy. I hate saying that word because of its negative connotations, but the fact is he was just wired wrong and right now the medical community doesn’t know enough about this illness to cure it.

I realized if this was how he was on the medication, why risk marrying him and having children with him, when one day he can just decide not to take them anymore and do something really harmful to me my family or himself? It’s not worth the risk. And having a relationship with someone that is bipolar is risky. They are ticking time bombs and he even admits to that. He told me numerous times that if something ever happened to his parents he wouldn’t stick around, he would have no reason to live. Why do I want to hear something negative every day of my life or worry about him doing something stupid? I am not his life preserver and really that is what they want. They will tell you how horrible everything is, suck you in and get you hooked and then blow you off. Life is too short for that. Let him go while you can. I would suggest a good therapist to break your co-dependency. I btw am also clinically depressed. I was diagnosed with depression a couple of months after I met him. But I got the proper help and no longer have to take the medication. Bipolars on the other hand can never go without the medication.

I honestly thought I couldn’t love and move on with my life without him. But now I have this incredible man in my life. We go jet skiing, boating, atv riding, motorcycle riding, dinner at fancy restaurants, etc. My life is exciting again, without worrying about someone else’s state of mind constantly or waiting for the next ball to drop. You don’t want that because you deserve better. And you are right, so does he. You may think if you leave someone else will come and give him what he needs and then you will feel like a failure for not being able to make him happy. I give you my word, that he will only go from one destructive relationship to another. In fact the more you address his illness, the more he will resent you for it.

Take the advice from my bipolar ex himself, who once told me after my daughter (from another relationship) found an ice skating pair partner who was bipolar as well to skate with, my ex’s response was, are you crazy? I would never let my kid skate with someone that was bipolar. Thankfully that partnership never worked out. He told me being bipolar was like wanting to crawl out of your skin. Constantly thinking of ideas non stop. Not sleeping for days. Inappropriate sexual thoughts. Hating the world, hating your life. It’s a constant roller coaster in one’s mind. You can love this man and you can direct him into help, but don’t allow him to cut you down so much you lose track of who you are. You can love him just as much by being a friend without getting over involved.

-hope this helps

-adnor

Http://www.Itvs.Org/myfriendpaul/bipolar.H tml

Ok, iam bipolar..Im seventeen and have been diagnosed almost 2 years. When im having an anger outburst I think that the reason why im angry is very legit. And I feel liek I could just kill anything in my way, I feel also sometimes like my life is the most awful life on earth. Hmm wut else..When im having an anger outburst I feel that if god was to take my life it wouldnt make a difference to me. And yes its very satisfying because when im done I feel so refreshed and its like I forgot about everything I was angry about and everything is fine. Forgetting about the people I could have hurt during my anger outburst..And thinking everyone should just be over it and forget the mean things ive done or said. Its so hard..But I hope this helped u..

but remember, bipolars need love and affection too... I'm surprised to see that you can be so adamant about another leaving a bipolar without knowing what kind of person the poster is? Not all bipolars are the same as you've experienced, adnor. So please consider that bipolars can be compassionate and caring, perhaps not as often as you'd like.

Would you say the same for a cancer or diabetic patient?? The meds they take (or don't) can have the same emotional effects a being bipolar.

I have been with my bipolar hubby for 3 years now... And it's no picnic when he's manic or depressed or just goes off on tangents... But i'd never ever tell someone to run from a bipolar simply because they are bipolar. They are people too. They are capable of managing the disease.

I'm almost 40 - and i've never had a more compassionate, loving relationship. Of course he is on medication and open to his therapy because he doesn't like the way he feels in the grips of bipolar.

I just wanted to reply to say I just wouldn't rule out all bipolars simply because of bipolar.

Wife of bipolar......

maybe not all are like that but i'm glad she posted this.It helped me a lot just now.Thank you adnor.Maybe I need to read your post everyday to feel better. . .

Wow a whole 3 years, you are only in the first stage of a relationship with a person with bipolar. My relationship was pretty good the first 2 years. I just resently kicked him out of here.. I could not take it anymore. I did not even know who I was anymore form being so preoccupied with his needs. Despite the fact that I was called horrible names and so was my son and he was always negative of everyone when they weren't around and then nice to there face until recently he threatend peole with his names and other stuff.. I felt like I would never leave him , but finally I had to get myself out of the big black hole he put me in.

First off: my wift and I have been together over 20 years and although I only been diagnosed bp about 6yrs I displayed symptoms all my life. I will admit it continues to get worse while attempt a different cocktail every few months to get back to some state of functionality. I did much better with self medication and flying hyper all the time but I went this way for my wife and kids. Its a real rough road and the angry issues I have are more with myself then anyone. The problem there is angry with oneself = hate the world. I also feel many people use bp as an excuse to act out of character when it's not really a bp episode. They can be lived with but as I am learning, there's a lot of work, meds, and pain involved. Having to wear a mental straight jacket everyday so you won't go manic (which was/is the best time of my life) hurts on all angles. But I need to avoid that at all cost.

I've included the following for those normals out there to contemplate what I deem to be an over simplified insight to our world:

4 29
-------------------
4 20 years ago
i come into this life
the son of a woman
and a man who lived in strife
he was tired of being poor
and he wasn't into selling door to door
and he worked like the devil to be more
a different kind of poverty now upsets my soul
night after sleepless night
i walk the floor and I want to know
why am I so alone?
Where is my woman can I bring her home?
Have I driven her away?
Is she gone?
Morning comes to sunrise
and i'm driven to my bed
i see that it is empty
and there's devils in my head
i embrace the many colored beast
i grow weary of the torment
can there be no peace?
And I find myself just wishing
that my life would simply cease.

54pan

i have been waiting for someone like you to come onto the forum. Questions.

1.) I have never spoke with someone that had a successful marriage for as long as you have had while suffering from this illness. Congratulations. Your poem is so similar to many I have read by my ex who is bipolar. I have heard him say many times he hates the world. It sounds like most of your hatred is internal and directed at yourself. With my ex his externalizes his anger towards the women he dated and chooses to never speak with them again. He blames me for all the downfall and negativity in his life. I wonder, is that typical of someone with this illness? Do you harbor resentment and hatred towards your wife, or blame others for your moods?

hey andor or adnor, what is your deal? Sounds like you may have a bigger prob than your ex? You cant seem to leave it alone even though u havent been together for over a year! We bipolars have our good and our bad days, but doesnt everyone? Ours just happens to have a scientific reason behind it. Yes we can be difficult on some occasions, but I am sure at one point or another you will be a difficult person to be around. You really shouldnt hold grudges against all bipolar peeps especially you not knowing the difference if we never told you. I am actually a pretty peaceful easy going person, and I am irritated to see lots of replys from you dissing on bipolar ppl. It hurts my feelings, and im sure im not the only one. And it irritates me as well. I didnt choose to have this illness, but my mom didnt choose to have cancer either, so quit trying to make it sound as if we should be punished for being born with this.

Sorry to hear I make you irritated pumpkinhead. I have a lot of pent up anger obviously over this relationship. Yes it’s been well over a year and I am still reeling. I thought I found the one, the holy grail. I gave this man my all, after he broke me down time and time again. I was 100% in love. If I can help one other woman/man from going through the pain I did, then I see that as a good thing. Again reminding all, that this is only my experience and shouldn’t be used to judge all bipolar people. Do I hold grudges? Yeah, probably I still do. Do I think all bipolar people should be punished for being born with the illness? Of course not. Having the illness is punishment enough. But I do believe that normal healthy people shouldn’t have to endure the pain that many bipolar people put us through and I believe that those that continue destructive relationships like this most likely suffer from depression and low self esteem like I did. Sometimes you try so hard to figure out what’s wrong with them, you fail to see what’s wrong with yourself. For me this has been a learning process and because of it my life has improved tremendously. I am sorry it took a devastating relationship with someone that was bipolar to get to where I am.

Adnor,

this is from www.Despair.Com:

"dysfunction

the only consistent feature in all of your dissatisfying relationships is you."

remember, this can also apply to others in your life. I mean, if someone is going on and on and on about how horrible "everyone" is to him/her, or how "everyone" leaves him/her...Well...There is probably a damn good reason for it.

Have you read depression fallout by anne sheffield? I recommend it.

Ghada

Wow thanks. No I never read that book, I did read "rebuilding" by fischer. It was excellent. I am looking forward to reading the book you mentioned.



Thank you for your comment!

I met this young lady on myspace, introduced myself without fully reading her profile where she said she was bipolar. It made no difference to me
I don't label people and I told her I would not label her.
So we continued the online relationship for almost three months
averaging about 50 e-mails a day along with a few phone calls.
I fell real hard for her she was honest from the start that she was wrecked and taking it to another level would not be possible.
One day I guess I wanted attention that I was'nt getting I e-mailed
her saying I was done,finished, and over something like that and I proceeded to remove everything from my myspacee page.
the page had some of comments she posted about me but I proceeded to erase it all anyway.
To this day I am still not sure why I did it. She tried to find out what was wrong and I said nothing til the next day and man was she pissed she
gave me what for and pretty much gave me the boot I tried with no success to get her back I got her to talk to me but a week later it ended.
Can anyone tell me what went wrong? Or why she refused to talk to me ever again. My sister said I need to stay away from her for my own sanity. My couselor said he thought she had some issues this after reading what she posted on her site what my idea of friendship was.
That was almost four weeks ago and I can't get her out of my head.
How much of her reaction was caused by being bipolar and how much
was it me being inconsiderate? And causing a change or additional stress on her. Please help me understand thank you

I had a relationship with a girl on myspace...I'm bipolar and hurt her (not physically I've never been violent to anyone). I've spent a year trying to figure out ways to make it up to her becuase I didn't know I was bipolar till I checked myself into the hospital after we broke up. In the past few months I realized there was no way to make it up to her. I did what I did and it may have a biological reasoning behind it, it still hurt her alot. I sent an apology and wished her a happy life. Trying to hold onto her wasn't fair to her or me and as much as I do care about her I realize its better for her life not to have any contact with someone that had hurt her in the way I did. I have an explanation on why I thought and did the things I did but it doesn't excuse the damage. Looking back on it makes me sad but gives me inspiration to get better because I don't want to hurt someone else like I hurt her again. Remember the good times and use the fact that you lost it as inspiration not to lose it again. Without consequences for being sick we would never strive to get better.

MMica ...I read your post and i underatand .... i am going through the same stuff. I have been with mine for a year and a half...It just gets harder and harder. I am constantly verbally and emotionally abused and it always comes down to being my fault. I am still here because when its good...oh its the best, but its the hard times that get more frequent that i no longer how to deal with. I tried walking away from the episodes at first because i read books on bipolar...but he made the comment of how i put up with him so y should he care how he acts. I don't tolerate his anger any more. Everything is about him. I am realizing now that he can probally never meet my emotional needs. I feel bad for saying that but i have to thik about me as well. He always clings onto his past relationships when there over bc he realizes how bad he treated them. I know i am rambaling...or shall I say venting. What i am trying to say is think about you. thats what i am trying to do for me now before i get brought down anymore by the hurtful insults.