Medical Questions > Mental Health > Bipolar Disorder Forum

What Goes Through a Bipolar Person's Mind? (Page 1)

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Hi, I have been in what started out as an extremely loving and positive relationship but has now become very confusing and hurtful.
I want to stand by this person and continue to be there for him because I came to love him but his now constant attacking words, hostile, argumentative behavior, and put downs are wearing me down.

I want to ask those of you who post here and are bipolar yourself, what does a person with bipolar disorder think during these attacks on others and are you aware of the hurt in the other person or is everything blanked out? Does it feel powerful? Satisfying? And afterward how do you see the episode and why is there a change sometimes to wanting to reach out and other times not?

I really want to know what this man is thinking.
The day I finally walked out on him several weeks ago he tried to chase me down as I drove back to my city and called me tearfully but I had a good headstart and the phone off. Still, I was surprised and hopeful that he felt some remorse because he was awfully abusive to me verbally.

Today he called me to ask if I had any final questions for him because his life is moving fast and he was closing out his relationships. What does this mean? I can't get a word in edgewise to ask questions anyhow and then when I just plow through I feel terribly rude and argumentative myself. Then he tells me i'm rude, dark-hearted, full of fear, and underdeveloped as a being which is why he calls me the same nickname that he calls his dog!

This may be a disease but to me it is an affliction on my heart and soul because I cannot seem to walk away from this person. It's going to be an affliction on my wallet soon when my psych counseling benefits run out too!

Help me understand, please!!
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First Helper TheRobberBride
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replied September 19th, 2006
Dealign with biploar is more difficult to the person whom it affects than anyone I think. I have biploar and everyday is a fight against my illness. There are so many days that I pray that I will wake up and be normal, and that I will never have to deal with bipolar again... But I wake up every morning knowing that I have an illness that I cannot escape. It is very tiring.
I know that people like to think that biplaors are crazyor whatever the sterotype of day is but really we are like anyon else. Just trying to make it through the day. In most cases I think it would be fair ot say that this is not something that we would choose to suffer from. Moat of us are bornb this way, and are left to our own devices until someone comes along and sees that we are suffering from an incurable illness.

Maybe I come off as being a little mellow dramatic but you really have to be biploar to even begin to underdtans what it does to a person. There are many times I wish I could take back things that I have doen but I cannot I do underdtand that I was ill and that in its' self is no excuse is it thr truth.

I would suggest that yo find soem books about biplolar and start trying to understand the illness.
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replied September 19th, 2011
hey i understand every word u say and i feel the same thing and still hoping that jesus will save me from this illness. god bless you my dear.
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replied September 20th, 2006
Thanks for your reply. I assure I am doing what you instructed actually.
I've read 5 books on bipolar (so far) and am on 3 forums. I've also gone into therapy seeking to understand both him and myself. Actually, i've been diagnosed with depression myself and one of my psychiatrists once said that there was a slight chance that I could be somewhat manic-depressive because of some of my tendencies to get quite intense into involvements in organization and studies (like reading about bipolar).
But i've never castigated anyone, torn them down to their face, and called them horrid names.
I am coming to a very compassionate understanding of this, but none of the books i've read have ever detailed what a person is thinking when they do this. They seem to gloss over the fact and make it seem like the person is talking about having a tantrum at a stimulus vs. An unprovoked critique.
What really, truly concerns me now is that my friend was believing that his landlord had it in for him, then he was a satanist casting spells, then the police were going to frame him for soemthing, and now he thinks i, the person who cares for him and would never, ever, ever do this to even an enemy, I am trying to poison him!!!
My heart is breaking over this, as objective as I am trying to be.
I understand that this is a psychotic behaviour, and I honesty don't know what to do but watch, if he even will continue to converse with me.
When might he come out of this? How do I respond to this type of conversation? None of the books i've consumed even hint at this and what to do when someone simply won't seek help.
Help?
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replied July 7th, 2013
Boy! You Really Are Doing Allot To Try And Understand. That's Really Great. The Problem Ifs, To Understand The Bi Polar Mind, You Really Have To Be In It. I Have A Daughter Who Has Had It Ask Her Life And Is Twenty Nine Now. She Is Only Now On Needs And Settling Down A Bit. I Still Get Some Pretty Horrible Stuff Coming At Need Though. I Understand Now Because I developed It Twelve Years Ago. I Knew She Was Suffering Greatly But Had No IdeaWhat Was Going On In Her Mind. She Always Seemed To Be Sorry But so Is Everyone When They Make A Mistake Right? Not The Same. Not In The Least. We Have Nightmares Shout Our Actions. We Loath Ourselves For The Words That Can Come Out Of Our Mouths. We BegThose We Hurt To Forgive Ifs Then Pray For It Every Night. The Best Thing You Can Do To Get Some Sort Of Idea Of What Your Partner Is Feeling Is To Ask And Put Yourself In Their Shoes. Imagine All The Things They Tell You, No MAtter How Dramatic Sounding
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replied September 21st, 2006
Experienced User
Non-compliant?
Mmica,

he's non-compliant and abusive. Stop right there and be thankful you are not married to him.

Unless he's in immediate danger of hurting himself or you (and by that time it may be too late to stop him--yes, it is a possibility and not one to be taken lightly) there is nothing you can do to make him take care of himself and manage his illness on his own.

And unless you have iron-clad boundaries in place they can destroy you and never improve themselves.

Life is too short. He's not your child. You are not responsible for him. If you know his doctor's name and number, you could try calling and leaving a message. But they can't confirm or deny whether he's a patient (hipaa laws in the us), and they can't make him take care of himself either.

Sadly, you may have to remove yourself from his life so he can hit bottom and go up. If you cushion his fall you can get injured (and in fact, you already have been due to the abuse) and he won't take this seriously.

I think the bipolar respondent made it pretty clear how too many bipolars feel about this illness. Ultimately, it's your responsibility to put up with an endless banquet of bullshitte--and smile while it's being shoved into your face, or else you will be described as "cold and uncaring", "not sympathetic enough!" or some variation on the theme.

The compliant ones, as in meds and therapy, realize that on some level, this is their problem to deal with, now and forever. That placing the burden of responsibility of charting, second-guessing, eating shitte, placating, coaxing, protecting oneself and children from the bipolar, protecting the bipolar from him or herself, isn't being a particularly responsible or good person.

He's not healthy enough. You are being abused. Take care of yourself. If this were happening to your sister, or brother, or best friend--what would you tell them to do? Would you offer them a safe haven? Or would you say, "well, just do it better!"

if a few years from now he's stable, responsible and makes real efforts to acknowledge and fix the damage he's done and you are both interested in a relationship--go for it. But not now. He's got a lot of growing up to do.
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replied July 23rd, 2011
i love all that you have written. i m with someone who is on medication for this and still has not changed alot. he takes his meds when he feels like it. stiill it is not as often as in the past but he becomes mean, very hurtful and i do not even think he knows it. he blames me for everything and as you said i need to keep that smile or be described as cold. the past 2months alot has been going on for him at work and i am exhausted at how supportive i have been. constantly trying and trying. you are right about moving on and i tell myself that everyday but i have a hard time doing so
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replied September 30th, 2011
Cold hearted way to cold hearted how does a person that clearly cannot take care of his/ her condition control his or her condition. You need Jesus.. You wouldn't treat a cancer patient the same way and bipolar is a disease. Hope if you ever come down with some disease that you get treated with more compassion than what you give. So sad that there is people so cruel and cold hearted in this world. You should look into that. That might be a disease. hopefully you can cure a cold heart.
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Users who thank crp1235 for this post: justLOVE 

replied October 29th, 2012
WILL I EVER BE LOVED?
i AGREE..i REFUSE TO TELL ANYONE I AM BIPOLAR BECAUSE THE ONES I LOVE HAVE SHUNNED ME AND EVERYTHING I DO. I ADMIT I VERBALLY ATTACK PEOPLE...BUT THE GREAT PART OF US..BIPOLARS..IS WE ACTUALLY JUST FEEL MORE THAN OTHER PEOPLE..YES ANGER AND SADNESS ARE FEELINGS..WE LOVE STRONG AND WE GIVE EVERYTHING..STILL ONLY OUR WORDS ARE ACCOUNTED FOR BY YOU NORMAL PEOPLE..DO YOU KNOW HOW PAINFUL IT IS TO BE ALONE IN DEPRESSION EVEN AFTER YOU GAVE YOUR EVERYTHING TO SO MANY WHILE IN MANIA..OR HOW OUR BRAIN WAVES ARE DIFFERENT AND WE CAN NEVER BE A BIRD OF A FLOCK? ONLY A BEAUTIFUL BIRD..WE LIVESING AS CAGE BIRDS..AND ACCASIONALLY WE ARE RELEASED WITH A BEAUTIFUL EUPHORIA, OR A PERSON WHO SEE'S OUR LOVE..I AM THE MOST LOYAL LOVING PERSON..WHO HAS BEEN BETRAYED, CHEATED, TALKED ABOUT, LEFT..AND I AM GOOD LOOKING WHICH MAKES IT HARDER BECAUSE NO ONE CAN SEE MY STRUGGLE..PLEASE PEOPLE HAVE COMPASSION AND JUST LOVE US...THAT'S WHAT MAKES A BIPOLAR TICK..LOVE..THAT'S IT
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replied March 6th, 2013
I have had Bipolar since 1999. every relationship i have had with a 'normal' person did not last. My husband has Schizo-affective bipolar, and I'm at bipolar 1. most of the times i can't stand myself. I have slept for weeks at a time. than paced around my house for days at a time not able to sleep or sit. When I wake I pray that i would be fine but I'm not Sad not even with meds. But Indeed our feelings are so much deeper than anyone else's I've ever encountered. It breaks my heart when people are like I don't see how my bf/gf could not control his behavior. We all want to its not as people expects us to be able to

Thank you so much justLOVE you have summed us up rather well.
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replied April 19th, 2013
Hi justLOVE
I really appreciated your post because I think - I hope - this is what my bipolar ex "boyfriend" feels. Like you, he is an extremely good looking man, and he does not really seem to be wanting to talk about being bipolar - although he mentioned it once in the beginning of our relationship. And the more I know him, the more I love him, but the more he pushes me away I think because he is ashamed of being bipolar and does not feel worthy of me unless he is in a high mood. But I'm strong and my love is strong, too. He is very respectful, never been physically or verbally abusive. He is the softest person I know, even though his body is very strong. Every 1-2 months he either breaks up with me or just shuts me out for months, saying he needs his space, or whatever makes sense at the moment. And he goes through life seducing lots of women because he is so charming, but it never lasts because I think he pushes them away as soon as they begin to know the extent of his illness, or sometimes also I guess they break up with him because they can't stand his need for space. But I hold on tight because I saw in his eyes all the suffering you bipolar go through, and I saw in his beautiful eyes all the love he is capable of when he is in a "normal" mood. And I can't imagine anymore my life without him. He was a blessing for me, bipolar as he is, because he showed me how brave you have to be when you are feeling everything so intensely, when you are so smart and so handsome at the same time. You are from outer space and lots of people don't understand you and have no pity for you, especially when you are so good-looking. He wants me to let go, but I don't care, he is in my heart and inspires all my life.
I used to be so scared - I am still scared that this time he is out of my life forever. But I trust God who sent him to me that maybe he will come back.
See, sometimes you find someone who truly loves you inlove
And I am not bad looking either queen
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replied March 19th, 2014
hi,
i never know or confirmesd that im a bipolar until i read ur post.. i always end up pushing away all people in my life, or stay away from them when we are that close, i dont want them to read my mind or my behaviors, i dont want them to judge me especially when i started to care about them that would really hurt,
though, all they see is im always happy and i can take care of myself, maybe because i dont want them to feel exactly what i feel..no dramas..
i hate weakness,when in fact im a weak person..
and i hate how they so much from me,that i think i can do anything,
when they will undesrtand me even if their not asking...
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replied July 15th, 2013
I am sorry but I find it outrageous that you say "we feel things more than other people". You don't want to be grouped and generalised about and judged - and then you do that to everyone who isn't bipolar! I am not bipolar and I FEEEEEL believe you me. How can you make a decision about who feels more? Just because someone doesn't have a diagnosis doesn't mean they don't have intense emotional experiences...but I'm never verbally abusive with them. Some bipolar people are not verbally abusive either. Let's stop the generalisations...everyone is different - has different lives and experiences and behaviours. The illness may offer common symptoms, but always to different people.
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replied October 29th, 2012
WILL I EVER BE LOVED?
i AGREE..i REFUSE TO TELL ANYONE I AM BIPOLAR BECAUSE THE ONES I LOVE HAVE SHUNNED ME AND EVERYTHING I DO. I ADMIT I VERBALLY ATTACK PEOPLE...BUT THE GREAT PART OF US..BIPOLARS..IS WE ACTUALLY JUST FEEL MORE THAN OTHER PEOPLE..YES ANGER AND SADNESS ARE FEELINGS..WE LOVE STRONG AND WE GIVE EVERYTHING..STILL ONLY OUR WORDS ARE ACCOUNTED FOR BY YOU NORMAL PEOPLE..DO YOU KNOW HOW PAINFUL IT IS TO BE ALONE IN DEPRESSION EVEN AFTER YOU GAVE YOUR EVERYTHING TO SO MANY WHILE IN MANIA..OR HOW OUR BRAIN WAVES ARE DIFFERENT AND WE CAN NEVER BE A BIRD OF A FLOCK? ONLY A BEAUTIFUL BIRD..WE LIVESING AS CAGE BIRDS..AND ACCASIONALLY WE ARE RELEASED WITH A BEAUTIFUL EUPHORIA, OR A PERSON WHO SEE'S OUR LOVE..I AM THE MOST LOYAL LOVING PERSON..WHO HAS BEEN BETRAYED, CHEATED, TALKED ABOUT, LEFT..AND I AM GOOD LOOKING WHICH MAKES IT HARDER BECAUSE NO ONE CAN SEE MY STRUGGLE..PLEASE PEOPLE HAVE COMPASSION AND JUST LOVE US...THAT'S WHAT MAKES A BIPOLAR TICK..LOVE..THAT'S IT
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replied February 5th, 2013
Experienced User
What a great tttruthful response. Thanks. It's so hard to leave someone you love when they have bi-polar and won't help themselves. Mine sees his doctors , tells them he'll do what they say and does what he feels like which is nothing. The support he gets from me has worn me out totally.Worn me down too. I am watching myself get worse.......makes me so sad.
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replied October 3rd, 2006
Experienced User
Mica
Read my link “if you are thinking about dating someone that is bipolar, read here first”.

You are playing the co-dependent role. I know I have been there. You cannot fix him. No matter what you do. I was abused verbally and put down for 10 months. It was constant. And if he wasn’t doing it directly to me he was talking about someone else negatively. It was horrible. Get out while you can. I love my ex dearly. I have tried reaching out to him numerous times, but he is mean, spiteful and vengeful. It’s been 15 months since we broke up and I only went out with him for 10 months. He is the most destructive person I have ever met. I pray and cry for him every day. But you’ re getting caught up in a cycle and trust me, its never ending.

A friend put it to me this way, do you remember the movie silence of the lambs? Jodie foster was trying to figure out who the killer was but couldn’t, so what did she do? She went to pick the mind of another killer, because only he was the only one that could understand the other killers crimes. Same with bipolars. You will never understand the bipolar mind unless you are bipolar. Not even they can fully understand their illness. The medication does not cure them, it only keeps them stable. They don’t think rational so you will drive yourself crazy trying to think why they act a certain way. You are thinking rational with someone that thinks irrationally.

I can tell you right now that the most important thing for any person with the bipolar illness is stability. In their life, their home and employment. Any small change can set them off. My ex lived in the same condo for 13 years. When we moved into his new home it sparked a manic stage and all hell broke lose. He wasn’t sleeping, and became completely irate over everything. It took me a long time to accept that he is crazy. I hate saying that word because of its negative connotations, but the fact is he was just wired wrong and right now the medical community doesn’t know enough about this illness to cure it.

I realized if this was how he was on the medication, why risk marrying him and having children with him, when one day he can just decide not to take them anymore and do something really harmful to me my family or himself? It’s not worth the risk. And having a relationship with someone that is bipolar is risky. They are ticking time bombs and he even admits to that. He told me numerous times that if something ever happened to his parents he wouldn’t stick around, he would have no reason to live. Why do I want to hear something negative every day of my life or worry about him doing something stupid? I am not his life preserver and really that is what they want. They will tell you how horrible everything is, suck you in and get you hooked and then blow you off. Life is too short for that. Let him go while you can. I would suggest a good therapist to break your co-dependency. I btw am also clinically depressed. I was diagnosed with depression a couple of months after I met him. But I got the proper help and no longer have to take the medication. Bipolars on the other hand can never go without the medication.

I honestly thought I couldn’t love and move on with my life without him. But now I have this incredible man in my life. We go jet skiing, boating, atv riding, motorcycle riding, dinner at fancy restaurants, etc. My life is exciting again, without worrying about someone else’s state of mind constantly or waiting for the next ball to drop. You don’t want that because you deserve better. And you are right, so does he. You may think if you leave someone else will come and give him what he needs and then you will feel like a failure for not being able to make him happy. I give you my word, that he will only go from one destructive relationship to another. In fact the more you address his illness, the more he will resent you for it.

Take the advice from my bipolar ex himself, who once told me after my daughter (from another relationship) found an ice skating pair partner who was bipolar as well to skate with, my ex’s response was, are you crazy? I would never let my kid skate with someone that was bipolar. Thankfully that partnership never worked out. He told me being bipolar was like wanting to crawl out of your skin. Constantly thinking of ideas non stop. Not sleeping for days. Inappropriate sexual thoughts. Hating the world, hating your life. It’s a constant roller coaster in one’s mind. You can love this man and you can direct him into help, but don’t allow him to cut you down so much you lose track of who you are. You can love him just as much by being a friend without getting over involved.

-hope this helps

-adnor
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replied September 30th, 2011
Same goes to you. Cold hearted way to cold hearted how does a person that clearly cannot take care of his/ her condition control his or her condition. You need Jesus.. You wouldn't treat a cancer patient the same way and bipolar is a disease. Hope if you ever come down with some disease that you get treated with more compassion than what you give. So sad that there is people so cruel and cold hearted in this world. You should look into that. That might be a disease. hopefully you can cure a cold heart.
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replied January 17th, 2012
Great, sounds like no hope for me in anything, particularily that no one want to be alone the rest of their lives. I wrote the. Dr, this pretty much sums it up for me, ill be gone by morning, just 1 less burden on society. Goodbye.
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replied January 17th, 2012
Great, sounds like no hope for me in anything, particularily that no one want to be alone the rest of their lives. I wrote the. Dr, this pretty much sums it up for me, ill be gone by morning, just 1 less burden on society. Goodbye.
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replied April 5th, 2013
I think you are someone who needs help mentally! Do you think most of us who are bipolar love being this way? It is because we are so emotional and loving that hooks most people in the first place so most people can put up with our fun loving, clean everything all in one night stage, but when we are depressed or manic, watch out. There's trouble. In a lot of ways, we are the ones getting used and taken advantage of because of our hearts! We love so deeply and yes, there are two sides of the spectrum, it goes with the territory! We're not puppets that can choose when this illness comes on and when it doesn't. You really need to grow a sympathetic heart and treat us like your best friend who is sick with the flu. Would you tell them to get over there illness because they may not be feeling well and are moody because of being sick? No! Then show some compassion, read up on the illness, figure out the triggers and be there to help your loved one get well. Anyone can love someone when they are at there best, it is a strong man or woman of God, who can love someone even when they are at there worst and remember the vow, "In sickness and in health" this is a sickness and you are just as important in the recovery process as we, the bipolars, are! Try for once to feel our pain, love, joy and anger! They are strong emotions but try to feel even a fraction of what we feel and don't give up on us!
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Users who thank angelgirl1982 for this post: 25436791182060 

replied October 3rd, 2006
Experienced User
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replied October 6th, 2006
Ok, iam bipolar..Im seventeen and have been diagnosed almost 2 years. When im having an anger outburst I think that the reason why im angry is very legit. And I feel liek I could just kill anything in my way, I feel also sometimes like my life is the most awful life on earth. Hmm wut else..When im having an anger outburst I feel that if god was to take my life it wouldnt make a difference to me. And yes its very satisfying because when im done I feel so refreshed and its like I forgot about everything I was angry about and everything is fine. Forgetting about the people I could have hurt during my anger outburst..And thinking everyone should just be over it and forget the mean things ive done or said. Its so hard..But I hope this helped u..
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replied January 11th, 2012
well i am alittle older then you , 38, but been diagnosed for many years with many failed relationships and this is exactly how i feel when i get into an anger outburst when i am done i cry and feel terrible but then within minutes the tears stop and i feel fine and feel that everyone else should to like it never happened but its not over because i have children and in a relationship so it takes them time to get over it which just causes more termoil..cant win at all ..ever
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replied July 15th, 2013
That's the most realistic and honest reply on this thread that I have read. Thanks Breezy. x
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replied October 10th, 2006
Re: Mica
adnor wrote:
read my link “if you are thinking about dating someone that is bipolar, read here first”.


You are playing the co-dependent role. I know I have been there. You cannot fix him. No matter what you do. I was abused verbally and put down for 10 months. It was constant. And if he wasn’t doing it directly to me he was talking about someone else negatively. It was horrible. Get out while you can. I love my ex dearly. I have tried reaching out to him numerous times, but he is mean, spiteful and vengeful. It’s been 15 months since we broke up and I only went out with him for 10 months. He is the most destructive person I have ever met. I pray and cry for him every day. But you’ re getting caught up in a cycle and trust me, its never ending.

A friend put it to me this way, do you remember the movie silence of the lambs? Jodie foster was trying to figure out who the killer was but couldn’t, so what did she do? She went to pick the mind of another killer, because only he was the only one that could understand the other killers crimes. Same with bipolars. You will never understand the bipolar mind unless you are bipolar. Not even they can fully understand their illness. The medication does not cure them, it only keeps them stable. They don’t think rational so you will drive yourself crazy trying to think why they act a certain way. You are thinking rational with someone that thinks irrationally.

I can tell you right now that the most important thing for any person with the bipolar illness is stability. In their life, their home and employment. Any small change can set them off. My ex lived in the same condo for 13 years. When we moved into his new home it sparked a manic stage and all hell broke lose. He wasn’t sleeping, and became completely irate over everything. It took me a long time to accept that he is crazy. I hate saying that word because of its negative connotations, but the fact is he was just wired wrong and right now the medical community doesn’t know enough about this illness to cure it.

I realized if this was how he was on the medication, why risk marrying him and having children with him, when one day he can just decide not to take them anymore and do something really harmful to me my family or himself? It’s not worth the risk. And having a relationship with someone that is bipolar is risky. They are ticking time bombs and he even admits to that. He told me numerous times that if something ever happened to his parents he wouldn’t stick around, he would have no reason to live. Why do I want to hear something negative every day of my life or worry about him doing something stupid? I am not his life preserver and really that is what they want. They will tell you how horrible everything is, suck you in and get you hooked and then blow you off. Life is too short for that. Let him go while you can. I would suggest a good therapist to break your co-dependency. I btw am also clinically depressed. I was diagnosed with depression a couple of months after I met him. But I got the proper help and no longer have to take the medication. Bipolars on the other hand can never go without the medication.

I honestly thought I couldn’t love and move on with my life without him. But now I have this incredible man in my life. We go jet skiing, boating, atv riding, motorcycle riding, dinner at fancy restaurants, etc. My life is exciting again, without worrying about someone else’s state of mind constantly or waiting for the next ball to drop. You don’t want that because you deserve better. And you are right, so does he. You may think if you leave someone else will come and give him what he needs and then you will feel like a failure for not being able to make him happy. I give you my word, that he will only go from one destructive relationship to another. In fact the more you address his illness, the more he will resent you for it.

Take the advice from my bipolar ex himself, who once told me after my daughter (from another relationship) found an ice skating pair partner who was bipolar as well to skate with, my ex’s response was, are you crazy? I would never let my kid skate with someone that was bipolar. Thankfully that partnership never worked out. He told me being bipolar was like wanting to crawl out of your skin. Constantly thinking of ideas non stop. Not sleeping for days. Inappropriate sexual thoughts. Hating the world, hating your life. It’s a constant roller coaster in one’s mind. You can love this man and you can direct him into help, but don’t allow him to cut you down so much you lose track of who you are. You can love him just as much by being a friend without getting over involved.

-hope this helps

-adnor



but remember, bipolars need love and affection too... I'm surprised to see that you can be so adamant about another leaving a bipolar without knowing what kind of person the poster is? Not all bipolars are the same as you've experienced, adnor. So please consider that bipolars can be compassionate and caring, perhaps not as often as you'd like.

Would you say the same for a cancer or diabetic patient?? The meds they take (or don't) can have the same emotional effects a being bipolar.
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Users who thank shuddabotcake for this post: rabid 

replied March 25th, 2012
Married to someone Bipolar for10 years. Then her mom died and dad two years later I was not perfect in our marriage. But now 4... months being separated. We have tried 4 times to put it back w and days go great then boom she questions. Everything. And she is done trying. So many different thoughts pop in her head. And she says there always racing. I love her to death and would do anything to help think she will finally get it this week. Here's my question can u be in a relationship with someone bipolar and not go insane ur self
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replied March 25th, 2012
Married to someone's. Bipolar. 10 years. Then her mom died and dad two years later I was not perfect in our marriage. But now 4... months being separated. We have tried 4 times to put it back w and days go great then boom she questions. Everything. And she is done trying.
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replied October 12th, 2006
I have been with my bipolar hubby for 3 years now... And it's no picnic when he's manic or depressed or just goes off on tangents... But i'd never ever tell someone to run from a bipolar simply because they are bipolar. They are people too. They are capable of managing the disease.

I'm almost 40 - and i've never had a more compassionate, loving relationship. Of course he is on medication and open to his therapy because he doesn't like the way he feels in the grips of bipolar.

I just wanted to reply to say I just wouldn't rule out all bipolars simply because of bipolar.

Wife of bipolar......
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Users who thank AngTexas for this post: hypomanic 

replied April 18th, 2011
i wish my boyfriend or shall i say once again ex boyfriend ws as loving as your hubby. there may be a few weeks i am treated with such love and respect and then out of nowhere he takes it away. he has called me every nme in the book u cant imagine nd blmes me for everything all the time. on his great days he tells me how wonderful and amazing i am and how lucky he is to be with me. its very confusing and hurts so so much. i love him so much and have not been able to walk away. time nd time again i go back to him but then he switches on me and off i go again in tears. he puts everyone else down all the time and claims he is better than them. he has a problem with lcohol as well and goes off on binges. when things are great we can enjoy some wine together and all is well but if the are not let me tell you the hurt i feel emotionly is incredible.i have started blaming myself for things when i have done nothing wrong. at this point now he kicked me out again friday last week and told me clearly to just disappear. i received many texts from him very mean ones. his birthday was saturday and he texted me sunday thanking me for ruining his birthday. i had made plans to go away and when i told him that he never said a word but kicked me out instead and now blames me. he let me go blames me and i am the one hurting so much
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replied April 20th, 2011
Oh bless your heart! My hubby doesn't drink at all, and that's probably the saving grace in our marriage.

My hubby will call me names -- then later tell me how I am his life & an awesome person - yadda yadda...
it's WAY better on meds though. If not on meds, I'm talking to Bipolar - not my hubby -- and you NEVER want to argue/talk to 'bipolar' -- if he's in a mania or depression, you just have to wait to talk. It's futile to try to argue with BP.

You WILL think you are the crazy one. NEVER listen to or acknowledge the petty details - - BP person has a strong tendency to pick a sentence apart and argue about every word you've said - to me, this is the hardest situation. My hubby used to come apologize after a few days of that crap.... with meds and therapy and after inpatient hospitalization 6 yrs ago - - it's better. But I had to learn not argue at that moment... I bite my tongue, later when BP isn't in the room with us - we can discuss the issue at hand 'normally' - whatever normal is. Smile
It's not FAIR that I can't speak/yell at him when I WANT to... but it's a compromise I make... as long as we can talk normally later on when his head quiets down.

Delete the texts. Don't re-read them. If you want to hang in there, keep reading and educating yourself, but he has to as well... my husband understanding his brain chemicals malfunctioning helps him control it better. It's confusing for a BP when they don't know WHY their brains are spinning - therefore they lash out. That's a constant issue we address and work on.

It's not easy. He HAS to be willing to admit it, discuss it, take meds..... or you can expect the same behavior from him.

Good luck!!! Take care of you or you can't help you or him!! Smile ang
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replied April 27th, 2011
AngTexas ~ Your response to MMica was so right on! and very heart felt in Oregon! 8 years with a man I love ever so much, but refuses to take his medication...he has gone to his doctor who prescribed it and he takes it but only for a few weeks. But your comment about the arguing is so true. I knew nothing about bipolar 8 years ago. Since then in an effort to keep the one I love, I have searched and educated myself. Because of No Medication, I do not always get that down time your talking about. To maintain control of myself when he is verbally coming at me, takes strength and focus. I recently moved out/separated because I simply was losing MYSELF and wasn't doing either one of us any good.
One of my favorite saying's : Doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different result, is in fact insanity!

Any ideas on how to get him to accept the bipolar and try a new doctor that might have new ideas?

Much love and strength to you

Char
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replied April 27th, 2011
Oh it was a rocky road getting stable & on meds... if I had met my husband a few years earlier, we probably would not have gotten married. I think him getting older (he was 30 when he said he actually wanted meds and was tired of his mind spinning) along with him overdosing then being in an inpatient treatment center for over a week are the 2 things that helped the most. When he checked out of the hospital, we agreed - no meds, no wife. And I stuck to it. He is very aware that I can't and will not put up with non-medicated hubby. I feel the least he can do is swallow a pill.
People all over the world every day have illnesses that require meds... diabetes, thyroid, etc. - BP is an illness and there are meds he can take - - or he can be single and not medicated.
We went thru 2 years of 3 therapist/psychiatrist changes and 5 meds changes before he got a med he is pleased with. Well - not pleased, but doesn't hate it. Smile Lithium was rough on sodium levels & being outside/sweating. Klonopin did nothing but slur his BP rants. Lamictal made his hair fall out and arm swell up and burst a tendon... we hung in there and kept climbing uphill - it's not "easy" - - but reaching a plateau of stability is awesome.
My outlook is people do what people have to do. I have depression. If I don't take my Prozac, I could sleep my life away... so I take my Prozac.
I really don't know what makes them decide to take meds or seek therapy... my friend who was married to a BP said she believes my husband's willingness to communicate about having BP is his saving grace.
We found a good therapist he and I related well with. I went occasionally to ensure he was telling the whole truth to the therapist.
Much love and strength to you as well... stay strong and take care of yourself first. As hard as it can be to do that...
Angie. Smile
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replied July 23rd, 2011
thank you so much for the advice. he hs since started medication and it has gotten better but still evry three weeks or so come the outbursts at me. he has contolled his drinking which has helped but is from time to time saying how much he hates his life. he claims he loves me and needs me and then pouf!! should my just being there if he feels this way about me not make his life a little better> you seem to be a very lucky woman with your hubby and he is very lucky nd blessed to have you
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replied February 24th, 2012
Question
But how do you know when said person is going through an episode? My girlfriend changes so fast it's impossible to guess? Growing up with lots of estrogen in the house I'm a compassionate, lovy dovy, patient guy where as she's a pretty rough around the edge girl, yet surprisingly(even to her) she does enjoy girly things once in a while. yesterday I asked her if she wanted to get coffee, my treat. She explains to me she's on edge and not in a good mood. Slowly I made her night a better one by steering far away from possible arguments and just opening my ears, and asking 0 questions she might see as probing.

In examples like this I have no clue if it's the illness or her being her?? It would make me the happiest person in the world if she would talk to a therapist, but will they see that as an insult? She says she owns up to it, but has sought out absolutely no treatment...
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replied July 23rd, 2011
My husband is bi polar and i have been with him for 8 years. I have finally gotten him to get on meds...(he isn't taking them everyday the way that he should).

You need to get your bf on meds and get him to a councelor. Give him a couple months to see what works for him. If he doesn't stick to it then you need to walk away and never look back.

I know that some bp can take meds and be fine and stable but others can't so if you don't want to get hurt and exaust yourself i would get out. The fight, blaming, and verbal abuse only gets worse when they are not getting help. So i think that if he is not willing to get the help then you shouldn't waste anymore time on him.
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replied July 23rd, 2011
thank you so much for the things you said. he is on meds but only when he choses to be. he stilllames me and nop matter how hard i try he is never to blame. what you are saying about walking away is what i have been thinking and having such a hard time doing. i wish i knew why i cannot just go or not answer him when he comes around. i do love him very much but it is really eating me away. i don't believe that it is only because of his bp but also his character. i m not sure of anything anymore. i feel on top of the world with him and then feel like a piece of nothing. how does someone who claims they love you so much hurt you so much.
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replied July 23rd, 2011
thank you so much for the things you said. he is on meds but only when he choses to be. he stilllames me and nop matter how hard i try he is never to blame. what you are saying about walking away is what i have been thinking and having such a hard time doing. i wish i knew why i cannot just go or not answer him when he comes around. i do love him very much but it is really eating me away. i don't believe that it is only because of his bp but also his character. i m not sure of anything anymore. i feel on top of the world with him and then feel like a piece of nothing. how does someone who claims they love you so much hurt you so much.
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replied April 19th, 2011
Do you notice a hyper sex drive?
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replied April 20th, 2011
My hubby had a hyper sex drive. I was always looking to see if he was up to something. Thanks to us going to therapy, his willingness to talk about what is in his head, his taking meds and just getting older... it gets better and better.

When he's not in mania or depressive states - we talk about BP incidents - he's good about taking responsibility for lashing out or whatever BP incident we're discussing - it at least validates my feelings and frustrations.

We struggle still... but what marriage is perfect. Every couple has to pick their battles. Decide what is important and what little things you can let slide. Compromising and communication are key. We talk our 3rd partner in marriage - the bipolar - just like it were a dog or pet - - we have to address it.
It gets old. But it's also worth it to me. And him.

I still have a hard time discussing issues with him at times he's not up to par - I fear him going on a rant or hearing his 'preachy' holier-than-thou voice... so I pick my battles. He cheats or goes off meds - we divorce. Period. All else, we can pretty much work through!

It's marriage. Divorce stats are HUGE... so you know from that every marriage has issues... guess you have to both be willing to literally MAKE it work. Smile
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replied October 12th, 2006
Especially eHealthy
Re: Mica
shuddabotcake wrote:
adnor wrote:
read my link “if you are thinking about dating someone that is bipolar, read here first”.



You are playing the co-dependent role. I know I have been there. You cannot fix him. No matter what you do. I was abused verbally and put down for 10 months. It was constant. And if he wasn’t doing it directly to me he was talking about someone else negatively. It was horrible. Get out while you can. I love my ex dearly. I have tried reaching out to him numerous times, but he is mean, spiteful and vengeful. It’s been 15 months since we broke up and I only went out with him for 10 months. He is the most destructive person I have ever met. I pray and cry for him every day. But you’ re getting caught up in a cycle and trust me, its never ending.

A friend put it to me this way, do you remember the movie silence of the lambs? Jodie foster was trying to figure out who the killer was but couldn’t, so what did she do? She went to pick the mind of another killer, because only he was the only one that could understand the other killers crimes. Same with bipolars. You will never understand the bipolar mind unless you are bipolar. Not even they can fully understand their illness. The medication does not cure them, it only keeps them stable. They don’t think rational so you will drive yourself crazy trying to think why they act a certain way. You are thinking rational with someone that thinks irrationally.

I can tell you right now that the most important thing for any person with the bipolar illness is stability. In their life, their home and employment. Any small change can set them off. My ex lived in the same condo for 13 years. When we moved into his new home it sparked a manic stage and all hell broke lose. He wasn’t sleeping, and became completely irate over everything. It took me a long time to accept that he is crazy. I hate saying that word because of its negative connotations, but the fact is he was just wired wrong and right now the medical community doesn’t know enough about this illness to cure it.

I realized if this was how he was on the medication, why risk marrying him and having children with him, when one day he can just decide not to take them anymore and do something really harmful to me my family or himself? It’s not worth the risk. And having a relationship with someone that is bipolar is risky. They are ticking time bombs and he even admits to that. He told me numerous times that if something ever happened to his parents he wouldn’t stick around, he would have no reason to live. Why do I want to hear something negative every day of my life or worry about him doing something stupid? I am not his life preserver and really that is what they want. They will tell you how horrible everything is, suck you in and get you hooked and then blow you off. Life is too short for that. Let him go while you can. I would suggest a good therapist to break your co-dependency. I btw am also clinically depressed. I was diagnosed with depression a couple of months after I met him. But I got the proper help and no longer have to take the medication. Bipolars on the other hand can never go without the medication.

I honestly thought I couldn’t love and move on with my life without him. But now I have this incredible man in my life. We go jet skiing, boating, atv riding, motorcycle riding, dinner at fancy restaurants, etc. My life is exciting again, without worrying about someone else’s state of mind constantly or waiting for the next ball to drop. You don’t want that because you deserve better. And you are right, so does he. You may think if you leave someone else will come and give him what he needs and then you will feel like a failure for not being able to make him happy. I give you my word, that he will only go from one destructive relationship to another. In fact the more you address his illness, the more he will resent you for it.

Take the advice from my bipolar ex himself, who once told me after my daughter (from another relationship) found an ice skating pair partner who was bipolar as well to skate with, my ex’s response was, are you crazy? I would never let my kid skate with someone that was bipolar. Thankfully that partnership never worked out. He told me being bipolar was like wanting to crawl out of your skin. Constantly thinking of ideas non stop. Not sleeping for days. Inappropriate sexual thoughts. Hating the world, hating your life. It’s a constant roller coaster in one’s mind. You can love this man and you can direct him into help, but don’t allow him to cut you down so much you lose track of who you are. You can love him just as much by being a friend without getting over involved.

-hope this helps

-adnor



but remember, bipolars need love and affection too... I'm surprised to see that you can be so adamant about another leaving a bipolar without knowing what kind of person the poster is? Not all bipolars are the same as you've experienced, adnor. So please consider that bipolars can be compassionate and caring, perhaps not as often as you'd like.

Would you say the same for a cancer or diabetic patient?? The meds they take (or don't) can have the same emotional effects a being bipolar.
maybe not all are like that but i'm glad she posted this.It helped me a lot just now.Thank you adnor.Maybe I need to read your post everyday to feel better. . . Smile
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replied October 25th, 2006
Living With a Bipolar Boyfriend
Wow a whole 3 years, you are only in the first stage of a relationship with a person with bipolar. My relationship was pretty good the first 2 years. I just resently kicked him out of here.. I could not take it anymore. I did not even know who I was anymore form being so preoccupied with his needs. Despite the fact that I was called horrible names and so was my son and he was always negative of everyone when they weren't around and then nice to there face until recently he threatend peole with his names and other stuff.. I felt like I would never leave him , but finally I had to get myself out of the big black hole he put me in.


angtexas wrote:
i have been with my bipolar hubby for 3 years now... And it's no picnic when he's manic or depressed or just goes off on tangents... But i'd never ever tell someone to run from a bipolar simply because they are bipolar. They are people too. They are capable of managing the disease.


I'm almost 40 - and i've never had a more compassionate, loving relationship. Of course he is on medication and open to his therapy because he doesn't like the way he feels in the grips of bipolar.


I just wanted to reply to say I just wouldn't rule out all bipolars simply because of bipolar.


Wife of bipolar......
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replied November 16th, 2006
What Goes Through a Bipolar Person's Mind?
First off: my wift and I have been together over 20 years and although I only been diagnosed bp about 6yrs I displayed symptoms all my life. I will admit it continues to get worse while attempt a different cocktail every few months to get back to some state of functionality. I did much better with self medication and flying hyper all the time but I went this way for my wife and kids. Its a real rough road and the angry issues I have are more with myself then anyone. The problem there is angry with oneself = hate the world. I also feel many people use bp as an excuse to act out of character when it's not really a bp episode. They can be lived with but as I am learning, there's a lot of work, meds, and pain involved. Having to wear a mental straight jacket everyday so you won't go manic (which was/is the best time of my life) hurts on all angles. But I need to avoid that at all cost.

I've included the following for those normals out there to contemplate what I deem to be an over simplified insight to our world:

4+29
-------------------
4+20 years ago
i come into this life
the son of a woman
and a man who lived in strife
he was tired of being poor
and he wasn't into selling door to door
and he worked like the devil to be more
a different kind of poverty now upsets my soul
night after sleepless night
i walk the floor and I want to know
why am I so alone?
Where is my woman can I bring her home?
Have I driven her away?
Is she gone?
Morning comes to sunrise
and i'm driven to my bed
i see that it is empty
and there's devils in my head
i embrace the many colored beast
i grow weary of the torment
can there be no peace?
And I find myself just wishing
that my life would simply cease.
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replied November 17th, 2006
Experienced User
54pan

i have been waiting for someone like you to come onto the forum. Questions.

1.) I have never spoke with someone that had a successful marriage for as long as you have had while suffering from this illness. Congratulations. Your poem is so similar to many I have read by my ex who is bipolar. I have heard him say many times he hates the world. It sounds like most of your hatred is internal and directed at yourself. With my ex his externalizes his anger towards the women he dated and chooses to never speak with them again. He blames me for all the downfall and negativity in his life. I wonder, is that typical of someone with this illness? Do you harbor resentment and hatred towards your wife, or blame others for your moods?
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replied December 29th, 2006
Experienced User
For Adnor
Mad hey andor or adnor, what is your deal? Sounds like you may have a bigger prob than your ex? You cant seem to leave it alone even though u havent been together for over a year! We bipolars have our good and our bad days, but doesnt everyone? Ours just happens to have a scientific reason behind it. Yes we can be difficult on some occasions, but I am sure at one point or another you will be a difficult person to be around. You really shouldnt hold grudges against all bipolar peeps especially you not knowing the difference if we never told you. I am actually a pretty peaceful easy going person, and I am irritated to see lots of replys from you dissing on bipolar ppl. It hurts my feelings, and im sure im not the only one. And it irritates me as well. I didnt choose to have this illness, but my mom didnt choose to have cancer either, so quit trying to make it sound as if we should be punished for being born with this.
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Users who thank pumpkine0011 for this post: hypomanic 

replied April 18th, 2011
it is one thing to be born that way or get terminal illness and another to lash out with anger and horrible words to the one person that has stood by you, never judged you and wants a life with you the way they claim s well. if you were in that type of relationship it would also take a tole on you as well. its very hurtful and just to clear things up no not ll bipolar people are alike but try being on the other side and pretty much get slapped in the face (emmotionally of course) every other day and feel like a queen when things are well
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replied January 2nd, 2007
Experienced User
Sorry to hear I make you irritated pumpkinhead. I have a lot of pent up anger obviously over this relationship. Yes it’s been well over a year and I am still reeling. I thought I found the one, the holy grail. I gave this man my all, after he broke me down time and time again. I was 100% in love. If I can help one other woman/man from going through the pain I did, then I see that as a good thing. Again reminding all, that this is only my experience and shouldn’t be used to judge all bipolar people. Do I hold grudges? Yeah, probably I still do. Do I think all bipolar people should be punished for being born with the illness? Of course not. Having the illness is punishment enough. But I do believe that normal healthy people shouldn’t have to endure the pain that many bipolar people put us through and I believe that those that continue destructive relationships like this most likely suffer from depression and low self esteem like I did. Sometimes you try so hard to figure out what’s wrong with them, you fail to see what’s wrong with yourself. For me this has been a learning process and because of it my life has improved tremendously. I am sorry it took a devastating relationship with someone that was bipolar to get to where I am.
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replied January 4th, 2007
Adnor,

this is from www.Despair.Com:

"dysfunction

the only consistent feature in all of your dissatisfying relationships is you."

remember, this can also apply to others in your life. I mean, if someone is going on and on and on about how horrible "everyone" is to him/her, or how "everyone" leaves him/her...Well...There is probably a damn good reason for it.

Have you read depression fallout by anne sheffield? I recommend it.

Ghada
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replied January 4th, 2007
Experienced User
Ghada
Wow thanks. No I never read that book, I did read "rebuilding" by fischer. It was excellent. I am looking forward to reading the book you mentioned.



Thank you for your comment!
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replied September 19th, 2007
Having a Relationship With Someone Who Is Bipolar
I met this young lady on myspace, introduced myself without fully reading her profile where she said she was bipolar. It made no difference to me
I don't label people and I told her I would not label her.
So we continued the online relationship for almost three months
averaging about 50 e-mails a day along with a few phone calls.
I fell real hard for her she was honest from the start that she was wrecked and taking it to another level would not be possible.
One day I guess I wanted attention that I was'nt getting I e-mailed
her saying I was done,finished, and over something like that and I proceeded to remove everything from my myspacee page.
the page had some of comments she posted about me but I proceeded to erase it all anyway.
To this day I am still not sure why I did it. She tried to find out what was wrong and I said nothing til the next day and man was she pissed she
gave me what for and pretty much gave me the boot I tried with no success to get her back I got her to talk to me but a week later it ended.
Can anyone tell me what went wrong? Or why she refused to talk to me ever again. My sister said I need to stay away from her for my own sanity. My couselor said he thought she had some issues this after reading what she posted on her site what my idea of friendship was.
That was almost four weeks ago and I can't get her out of my head.
How much of her reaction was caused by being bipolar and how much
was it me being inconsiderate? And causing a change or additional stress on her. Please help me understand thank you
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replied September 20th, 2007
Best Bet Is to Let It Go
I had a relationship with a girl on myspace...I'm bipolar and hurt her (not physically I've never been violent to anyone). I've spent a year trying to figure out ways to make it up to her becuase I didn't know I was bipolar till I checked myself into the hospital after we broke up. In the past few months I realized there was no way to make it up to her. I did what I did and it may have a biological reasoning behind it, it still hurt her alot. I sent an apology and wished her a happy life. Trying to hold onto her wasn't fair to her or me and as much as I do care about her I realize its better for her life not to have any contact with someone that had hurt her in the way I did. I have an explanation on why I thought and did the things I did but it doesn't excuse the damage. Looking back on it makes me sad but gives me inspiration to get better because I don't want to hurt someone else like I hurt her again. Remember the good times and use the fact that you lost it as inspiration not to lose it again. Without consequences for being sick we would never strive to get better.
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replied September 28th, 2007
Wow
MMica ...I read your post and i underatand .... i am going through the same stuff. I have been with mine for a year and a half...It just gets harder and harder. I am constantly verbally and emotionally abused and it always comes down to being my fault. I am still here because when its good...oh its the best, but its the hard times that get more frequent that i no longer how to deal with. I tried walking away from the episodes at first because i read books on bipolar...but he made the comment of how i put up with him so y should he care how he acts. I don't tolerate his anger any more. Everything is about him. I am realizing now that he can probally never meet my emotional needs. I feel bad for saying that but i have to thik about me as well. He always clings onto his past relationships when there over bc he realizes how bad he treated them. I know i am rambaling...or shall I say venting. What i am trying to say is think about you. thats what i am trying to do for me now before i get brought down anymore by the hurtful insults.
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