Mood Swings And Bad Habits Coming Back.

I've been diagnosed with depression and have been on anti-depressants now for 10 years.

Recently i've felt so much more lonely than usual. I'm in a long-relationship which i've been in for 8 years - she is the only friend I have.

Most of the time I can cope without having friends, it's not that i've never had any, it's just I always mess things up and lose people.

Recently i've felt so much more lonely. Even when i'm with my partner I still feel lonely and empty inside. I've come to hate fridays more so than ever, as it's when everyone else seems to go out. I get scared in public places and feel at times like the walls are closing in, so i'd rather opt to stay at home, but then I hate being alone and never going out.

I've had a bad habit whereby I turn the bed in to a kind of nest. I thought i'd got a hold on it, as everyone says how unhealthy it is. It wasn't until this week that my partner sat me down and explained that its' got to stop.
I didn't even realise. I get home from work and I go to bed, and I eat my meals in bed. In bed I feel so safe. In the weekend I sometimes won't get up unless it's for the toilet - even then it's at a push. I don't understand what's happening to me again.

I've been thinking about drugs again, and it's not something i've wanted to do for a long time. I used to take a lot of lsd when I was younger, along with amphetamines and marijuana - to the point of excess especially with lsd. I had stopped all this and haven't done any hard drugs for nearly 9 years, but over the past few weeks I actively went out looking to get some. Luckily I couldn't get hold of any.

I just wanted to escape and get out of my headspace for a while. To stop all the thoughts going round. Looking at it rationally I can see how stupid it is - my partner went mad with me.

I've been having nightmares again and my sleep is more disturbed than ever, so are the dreams.

I'm currently on 150mg of venlafaxine. I don't know whether I should go back to the doctor or not. I'm scared to admit whats going on in my head. My mood swings are getting bad - nothing physical, but just I just seem to get tired from not knowing from the next minute. One minute i'll be really excitable, restless - hyper, and then next minute i'll be so vicous to people, I snap at people. I'll sit there looking at people and in inside i'm spitting rage. And then i'm ok.

It only take the smallest thing to set me off, sometimes lasts for days other times it's only a few mins/hours. I push people away and then I get upset because I don't have any people close to me...

My work performance and sick record is bad and I have to drag myself in most days. People don't understand at work which doesn't help.

Help me understand...