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Q: My Delima
asked by: tika773 on August 12th, 2006
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
I read some of the topics I hope this isnt moved.

I am pregnant. 8 weeks now. It was from a guy I stopped dating over a year ago. We hooked up on my birthday, and one thing led to another. I found out I was pregnant and when I told him, he was ok, but he said that I need to get an abortion because if I choose to keep the baby, he will have nothing to do with the kid at all. I am a single mother of 2 kids, I am 33 so this is not the traditional type of oops im pregnant situation, im educated and know better than to not use protection, anyway, I told him that I will keep the baby and accept the fact that he wont be involved. He went ballistic and flipped out. He said I better get an abortion or he will get someone to beat me up and stomp my stomach, he said he will shoot me in the head and then kill himself so he wont have to go to jail, because if I have this child his life will be over. He called me on my cellphone and my work phone harrassing me until I finally gave in and agreed to an abortion. He lives about 50 miles from me so I made an appointment here and went to the clinic. Pa has a 24 hour waiting period. I went through the counseling and never went back. So I told him that I went to the appointment and he thinks I got an abortion, so I figured he will leave me alone, but he is still calling me, asking me about follow up appointments to make sure everything is complete and telling me I better inform him of whats going on. I told him to call the clinic and leave me alone. He again went ballistic and said im playing games and I will be sorry, I am soo overwhelmed right now, he doesn't have my home address or phone number right now, but if I go to the police for a protection order, he will. I dont know what he will do, he knows where I work, which a person I thought was my friend gave him that information. I cant go to a shelter, I have been through this before with my youngest child who is 9, her father became abusive during my pregnancy and I shouldnt go backwards only forwards. I feel bad letting him think I had an abortion, but I dont know what else to do. He never showed me this side of him. He is a classic sociopath. I am scared, I dont know what he will do if he finds out that I am still pregnant. I was going to change all my numbers, but I cant change jobs, I need the insurance, plus it is a really good job. I am soo stressed and confused. Sometimes I think it would be easier to just get the abortion and be done with this. I had an abortion years ago and it still haunts me, I made a promise that I would never do that again, I suffered major depression afterwards not to mention some health problems, as a matter of fact I thought I was sterile. I guess I was wrong, what ever the abortion did to me 8 years ago has healed. But anyways I am soo stressed, and depressed and dont know what to do. My parents will not be supportive of me keeping this baby either.
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sandyallen replied on August 12th, 2006
Extremely EHEALTHy
Don't ever allow a man or anyone to tell you what you have to do with your pregnancy if you have a couple of friends at work just warn them, get the restraining order, talk to the police and an attorney and find out what your rights are and go from there we are here for you too!
All of the best to you and yours!
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diamondsz replied on August 13th, 2006
Extremely EHEALTHy
.E.D.I.T. .F.O.R. .A.B.U.S.I.V.E. .L.A.N.G.U.A.G.E. Him, its your choice and if you choose to keep great for you if not well thats your choice and I would never hold it against anyone.


Put your foot down woman need to start standing up to men im sick of men right now and im sick of their im better than you I have control over you nope I will help you and I will support every woman on thise board.


I finally realized im a full femenist lol!!


Send me a pm if you need some support

jess
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Tylanas replied on August 13th, 2006
Especially EHEALTHy
Screw that .E.D.I.T. .F.O.R. .A.B.U.S.I.V.E. .L.A.N.G.U.A.G.E. You can get restraining orders and police protection; and that doesn't necessarily involve giving away your address. He has absolutely no right to force you to do anything (and if he wants to shoot himself in the head he should to ahead and do it; he's such a edit*). I sincerely hope that this kind of behavior is why you dumped him in the first place.
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sandyallen replied on August 13th, 2006
Extremely EHEALTHy
Also. Go to social services(welfare) sometimes they might help you to even get therestraining order along with other things.
All the best!
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Birch replied on August 13th, 2006
Supporter
This Is Why We Need Super Heroes.
This is an example in the making of how the system fails.

There is no real recourse she can take to protect herself. She can file a piece of paper with authority figures, but the authority figures will simply tell the guy to "stay away".

She needs to be proactive. She has her other children to protect, too. This man is dangerous, and just threatening him with arrest if he comes near her isn't enough. If he feels his livelihood is threatened by her pregnancy, he'll do whatever he can to protect himself.

I am a pacifist, except in cases like this when I think preemptive harm is a good thing. This guy needs a serious beating, he needs the crap scared out of him, he needs to learn that hurting her is going to cause the worst thing ever to happen to him.

Sure, she could move away or find a new job, but he can still find her, and why should she have to be so inconvenienced because he's a waste of flesh?

Tika, i'm sorry you're in this situation, and i'm sorry my thoughts aren't going to help you much. I'm sick of this kind of b.S. Happening all over the place.
Even though I don't think this does much, please go to the police and tell them about the threats. Where I live, there is now the option to have a restraining order put in place on someone like him, and they can attach a monitoring bracelet to him and give you a monitor so you know if he's come near you. See if you can't get this in place.
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Tylanas replied on August 13th, 2006
Especially EHEALTHy
Are you implying that it is bad to have sex outside of a relationship? Go complain to all of the guys who did it; then come to the women.
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diamondsz replied on August 14th, 2006
Extremely EHEALTHy
Woman are just as bad though nowadays anyways, although woman should have a right to live without fear....

Like the other one said that bracelet things sounds awesome, being able to monitor him would be excellent for you
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Tylanas replied on August 14th, 2006
Especially EHEALTHy
Yeah, women are more promiscuous these days, and I don't view it as a bad thing as long as they are safe. I also like the idea of the bracelet.
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dramaqueen replied on August 16th, 2006
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Wish a Restraining Order Would Work
I had a friend who was married ten years to a sociopath, she tried to leave once and he broke into her house and threatened her friends and was in her house when she came home. She was so scared, she went back. A year later she got up the nerve to leave again. This time, after six months, he came to her house with a gun and held her and their two children hostage overnight for four and a half hours, shot through the door at the cops, told her that he was going to have one last great night with his family and then no one else would be with them ever again. He held the gun to her head and made her call her family out of state to say goodbye. He couldn't find the nerve to pull the trigger. He tried to point the gun at the kids, but couldn't make himself do it. If he had been just a smidge crazier, I would not have my best friend or my two god-children anymore. For everyone who thinks a restraining order is enough is sadly mistaken. She had a pfa protection from abuse order against him. This didn't stop him. My advice is be prepared in any way it takes to defend yourself. Start voice recording threatening messages he leaves for you. Tell everyone you know about him. Document and have witnesses of people who have seen him around your house, around your work. Take dates and times. Take everything you can to the police. Refuse to be treated like a nuisance. This is what happened to my friend. It is really pathetic when a police dept and a court judge feel the need to apologize to you for not seeing the truth. Don't let yourself be ignored. It is better for everyone to think you are nuts and pursue this than to let it go so no one will be bothered by you. Don't let anyone treat you like you are wrong in your decision to keep the baby. No one can force you to have an abortion. Do you think if you had an abortion at this point that this man would leave you alone? He will already be angry you lied to him, and likely won't, so why give in? It's a sad society when so many people say, "stand up for yourself, just leave him, etc." it took ten years for my friend. Sometimes, especially when children are involved, it just isn't that simple. Good luck to you and I will say a prayer for you.
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jenn_smithson replied on August 16th, 2006
Active User, Really EHEALTHy
Re: My Delima
tika773 wrote:
i read some of the topics I hope this isnt moved.


I am pregnant. 8 weeks now. It was from a guy I stopped dating over a year ago. We hooked up on my birthday, and one thing led to another. I found out I was pregnant and when I told him, he was ok, but he said that I need to get an abortion because if I choose to keep the baby, he will have nothing to do with the kid at all. I am a single mother of 2 kids, I am 33 so this is not the traditional type of oops im pregnant situation, im educated and know better than to not use protection, anyway, I told him that I will keep the baby and accept the fact that he wont be involved. He went ballistic and flipped out. He said I better get an abortion or he will get someone to beat me up and stomp my stomach, he said he will shoot me in the head and then kill himself so he wont have to go to jail, because if I have this child his life will be over.
call an attorney or the police immediately and start filing the paperwork for a restraining order. If you have a local women's shelter or abuse organization, call them and they can help you through the process.
Quote:
he called me on my cellphone and my work phone harrassing me until I finally gave in and agreed to an abortion.
don't ever let anyone tell you what to do, especially a violent little jack0ff like him! You do not have to have an abortion if you do not want one and he has no say or control over the situation. You should only make the decision to obtain an abortion because it's what you want and need, not what some pr*ck thinks is best for him.
Quote:
he lives about 50 miles from me so I made an appointment here and went to the clinic. Pa has a 24 hour waiting period. I went through the counseling and never went back. So I told him that I went to the appointment and he thinks I got an abortion, so I figured he will leave me alone, but he is still calling me, asking me about follow up appointments to make sure everything is complete and telling me I better inform him of whats going on.
screw that! He lost the right to be informed when he threatened you, end of story. And, since this is your decision because it's your body, you don't have to tell him anything. Get the restraining order. Call the police. Call an attorney and have him watched. You have the right not to be harrassed or threatened.
Quote:
I told him to call the clinic and leave me alone. He again went ballistic and said im playing games and I will be sorry, I am soo overwhelmed right now, he doesn't have my home address or phone number right now, but if I go to the police for a protection order, he will.
he's not supposed to be given your information. All paperwork that he receives should have your personal information removed from it in such a way that he will not be able to discover you where abouts. Ask the police what their policy is. They are there to protect you so surely they would not do anything so stupid as to send him a letter with your address on it.
Quote:
I dont know what he will do, he knows where I work, which a person I thought was my friend gave him that information. I cant go to a shelter, I have been through this before with my youngest child who is 9, her father became abusive during my pregnancy and I shouldnt go backwards only forwards. I feel bad letting him think I had an abortion, but I dont know what else to do. He never showed me this side of him. He is a classic sociopath. I am scared, I dont know what he will do if he finds out that I am still pregnant. I was going to change all my numbers, but I cant change jobs, I need the insurance, plus it is a really good job. I am soo stressed and confused.
you have to tell someone in an official capacity who can likely help you. You have to go to the police.
Quote:
sometimes I think it would be easier to just get the abortion and be done with this. I had an abortion years ago and it still haunts me, I made a promise that I would never do that again, I suffered major depression afterwards not to mention some health problems, as a matter of fact I thought I was sterile. I guess I was wrong, what ever the abortion did to me 8 years ago has healed. But anyways I am soo stressed, and depressed and dont know what to do. My parents will not be supportive of me keeping this baby either.
abortion is not an easy decision to make even when you are being harassed to do so by an problem sociopath. First, you must seek out a protective order. It's the only way to protect yourself legally should he actually try to harm you. Second, you should call the local woman's shelter or abuse organization and they should be able to help you out. Third, you can go to your county assistance offices for information about wic and other programs to help you where your parents will not, maybe even daycare.

But before you do anything else, you must protect yourself and your children. The protective order is said to be just a paper but there are more penalties for violating one than there are if you are just attacked right now. If nothing else, if you have the protective order and he violates it, he will be sent to prison for much longer than without one. The police are there to help you so call them even if you feel slightly uncomfortable.

Keep us posted on what's going on and take care of yourself and your family.
Peace,
jenn
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