Im 22 and my gf is 20. We have been together a year in I am unhappy with our physical relationship. Not just sex but other types of intimacy. I am a very giving as far a affection goes, I constantly give her back massages, caress, and kiss her. She rarely initiates a kiss and never initiates any making out and refuses to give back massages. As far as sex goes she is my first and I gave my virginity to her because I am in love with her but sex is not what I expected it to be. It happens once every two weeks, sometimes once a week. Im often turned down when im aroused. She refuses to do any postion but misionary and lights have to be out. Sex is when she wants it, and how she wants (and she does not do any "other" sexual acts for me). She acknowledges that I am very physically affectionate and that she is not. She wants a boyfriend thats affectionate like me but feels she does not have to return the favor. She feels that it is just the way she is and if I dont like it I can leave. I feel like being affectionate toward someone you love is a choice, I dont like to give back massages any more than she does, but I like doing something that makes her feel good. Is she right, is this something I should just accept as "the way she is" or is she being a selfish lover? And why is she this way?
It does seem like that's the way she is. Although, I know I would at least try to compromise in that situation. Not being willing to try is the selfish thing here. Some people just aren't as big into sex and affection. Sometimes it's nature, and sometimes they just aren't comfortable with themselves and their bodies. Low sex drive + lights out seems like a huge sign of that to me. Has she always been like this?
I would suggest a few things:
1. Talk to her about this. Don't accuse or get angry, just ask her if something is wrong.
2. Maybe encourage her to talk to a counselor.
3. She may be a woman who is heavily influenced by setting and mood. Make sure you do special things for her and keep up the messages and whatnot. Go all out with candles and music, etc. Sometimes that can kickstart an unhappy woman's sex drive. I think it's why a lot of married couples stop having sex. The men stop the courting.
Relationships with different levels of affection and differing sex drives can work, as long as both parties are willing to put in the effort. Just make sure you consider this relationship in the long run. Will this continue? Get worse? Get better? Can you keep it up?
I've learned through past experiences that, it time to move on...I am married now but I was in a three year relationship before my lovable husband, and once I found that person who gives in return, it is untouchable..So if you have to break it off and find someone else to explore that horizon..It is a lot of fun...Please believe me!!!