My fiance had to take a job in the south. He is an auto tech working for a high end car dealership. He had it in his head that he would be financially successful from the start since he graduated from an elite auto school, has a degree in mech. Engineering and a programming degree.
And so, he moved downsouth. I stayed behind up north for a couple of months to sell my house. I owned my house and so it was agreed that I would pay for half of the new house down south. My fiance paid for the house at closing before I got here.
I'm here now (2 months).
His mood swings are not new to me. Up north, he was miserable because he lived in "my" house. I always gave him the option to buy into my house so that he would feel whole. He declined.
He was always cranky that we lived up north where it was cold and snowy in the winter. Lots of things bothered him.
He insisted we had to live south near the ocean. That's where we are.
Back tracking here more a moment...........
We originally looked at a house near the coast in sc. Expensive, flood insurance, home owner's insurance was ridiculously high... $3,000.
He actually stated that if he'd known it was that expensive, he would not have picked that area. We moved 15 miles inland in a brand new development and it's much, much less expensive (insurance) and no flooding.
Now, he is finally doing what he went to school for. And that's not working out for him either. Too many mechanics, not enough hours, too much traffic, too much of everything.
There are days when he comes home and he is loving, caring and will do anything for me. I'm in the house for 5 weeks and we have lots to do.
Some nights, whoa.............Watch out!
Last night was the perfect example of what goes on.
Bad day at work, traffic coming and going, hears the news that the dealership is hiring two more people and some of the workers there are not making enough the way it is. My fiance is worried when he changes his pay schedule, he won't make enough to survice.
He is stuck there because he signed a one year contract. God help me!!
He says "we are out of here next year!! It's like he's spoken and we better start packing......
The day before yesterday, he was in a fabulous mood. Let's become partners with the house, let's do this, that, blah blah blah.
After yesterdays' outburst of disgust with work, he's going to own the house!!!!! So that it can be his house...... I can't have the window covering that i've been asking for. He was ready to buy them for me the day before.
I got so ill in my stomach from the hot and cold mood swings. We haven't spoken a word since yesterday.
I told him this was his choice (to take this job). Deal with it. Stop taking me down and taking his frustrations out on me.
His answer to everything is we just can't get along ???????????
I, for the most part, sit there quietly. I've learned to do this.
When he has an outurst, and decides not to talk to me. This usually last for one day. When he returns from work that next day, he'll look at me like...............Let's be ok again. My biggest mistake is that I forget about everything and am happy that he's ok again.
Is this depression going on with him? Bi polar? Abuse?
How can I help him?
He doesn't hit me!!!
I don't want to leave because my house has sold, I quit my job up north, and it would cost me $4,000 to move back up again.
I came this far and I want to understand him if he is not well.
Been there done that.......Has your boyfriend had his blood sugar checked? My best friend has been dating a guy who has these same mood swings. Good one day- a total ass wipe the next.......And its not just days, its like at the drop of a hat.....Dr. Jekyll into mr. Hyde.....Seriously. Turned out he was not eating, only drinking coffee from the time he got up at 5 am until about 3:00pm, then munching on unhealthy crap, supper by 7:00 and beer..........Duh. No exercise, nothing. She too just moved inot a new home and is trying to raise "his" 2 kids.....More or less alone because they know their "dad" is like a damned time bomb. Turns out, he is hypoglycemic. At least thats what I think she told me. Just thought i'd toss this in. Oh, and its not gonna get better unless he helps himself. Don't allow him to drag you into the hole with him! Hope all goes well with you!
Turns out i'm hypoglycemic. Know the symptoms real well. I do get touchy when i'm running low on sugar and politely say, I need to eat.
He on the other hand, has breakfast, lunch and a full course dinner, cooked by me, of course. Snacks in the evening and doesn't really drink. Speaking of drinking. He doesn't drink until he is drunk but can easily be set off and can get verbally nasty.
I think it has alot to do with his childhood. His father is an immigrant from germany/poland and has alot of emotional war scars. The father took it out on my fiance and his sister. His father is a cold and nasty man. I don't care for him. My fiance also has had two failed marriages. He tells me that the first marriage failed cause they were too young when they married. College sweethearts. She had an affair and left him.
The second marriage was a rebound for him, he claims. That lasted five years.
I care for him. I've been with him for three years. He's never hit me but he is emotionally abusive to me sometimes.
I think it is sometimes too late to change it because i've always validated his bad behavior by allowing it to happen over and over again.
Glad you wrote back....Its never too late, at least not for you. You either put up with it or you don't. I am going to wave my magical wand over you and give you a set of golden balls for a while. At least until you learn to stand up for yourself and say enough already. Life is too short to put up with any kind of abuse. If this man loves you enough, he will realize he could loose you........But not if you continue to put up with his crap. Don't wait until you are almost 50 and think, damn what have I done? Look at the life I have wasted... No man or woman has the right to abuse another (be it verbal or physical).....Especially if its someone you really care about. I have noticed though in my years, we seem to be the cruelest to the ones we love the most.....Is it because we are allowed to get away with it? I have more balls than a lot of men I know. I take the bull by the testicals, not the horns.... If you want this relationship to work, you need to lay down some ground rulz, or give him an ultimatum of having a 3rd relationship kissed good-bye! I am rooting for your girlfriend!
I have a fiance that gets into these horrible rages....out of no where. He seems fine one day and the next he is swearin and throwing things....sometimes even breaking things. Im not sure what to make of this...he does not have any medical problems,as far as i know. But he just goes on and on for hours like this and i cant seem to get him to tell me what is wrong. I love him with all my heart but he is really makin me scared of him. Im not exactly sure what i can do.
Sounds like a personality disorder may be at work here. He seems to have a need to be in control of everything (including the climate) and becomes enraged when things are out of his control. Also he seems to be entitled. Things that bother him (traffic coming and going, changes at work) are just the ways of the world. But they are an inconvenience for HIM. In addition, disorders in this spectrum are known for being at the root of many relationship problems (which he has shown evidence of from two failed marriages). And it may very well be that he just cannot control these moods.
Check out references on borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, personality disorder NOS and just see if any of these have symptoms that ring true in your fiance.
Unfortunately, no meds exist to help with these kinds of disorders (although there are ways to help him relax that may include anti-anxiety medications). Usually the best treatment would be therapy (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy usually works best). If it is something of this nature be forewarned, many professionals believe that these are lifelong disorders.
I'd love to hear back to see how things are going for you. The best of luck to both of you.