Life After It Being Tainted

I guess it all depends on your on comfort level.........What you should do that is.............

I'm sure many would say dump her, you can do better etc......But as you found out life isn't always that black and white..........There's a whole lotta gray.........

We've all done stupid things, actions and words we wish we could take back.....But what is done is done. I say give it another shot......But with open eyes....Don't wrap up your finances together....Don't accidentally or on purpose bring any children into the world(then you will be with her forever...Like it or not)...........Don't sell everything you own to be with her...Just be very leery.

Try very hard to give her a chance to trust her again.....But again with open eyes......No leaving the room with the phone, no weird disappearances,no secret emails etc.....................

I hate to live life with regrets, and I feel, at least that you have a shot at being happy...............If you attempt a reunion than you'll never be left wondering.....What if???

No regrets. :)

Your gut is telling you man--listen to it!!!!
I think that it is very easy to be all goodness and light on the phone .
It is also very easy to lead a double life when you are so far apart.
She has convienced you she is a different person.
Trust me when I tell you that is very unlikely.
It would take years of soul searching work to change that much,
and few people want to or are capable.

I have been in both of your places more times than I can recall.
I think you have been niave believing the cheating she confessed to was merely a kiss.
Come on we are adults.
After 4 seprate meeting with a man shes called her friend?
Neh,not buying it.
She cheated on you when you lived together and you think now so far away she is not?

If she wants to be with you then why isnt she?
You have wasted enough years on her.
Over time the fun and sex will never erase the doubts or the future affairs....
There is a woman or 10 dreaming to meet a caring man like you appear to be.
Break it while the distance is still there
i sense how badly you want this ,i am no meanie,i just want to save you some years and some pain.

If you must rersue her foget the poy test.
Hire you a decoy detective and see if she bites.

Good luck!

I appreciate both of your replies. I find great points in both. Gdgrsdo - I didn't think you were mean at all, but refreshing. To straighten a couple points, I know she did more than kiss. How I know there wasn't intercourse is because I read her confession to that guy 2 whom she apparently talked with for days/weeks. I'd never looked at her email before till I felt something was wrong in my gut. I observed for a while and she had no clue. If she would've had sex with the guy1 I feel strongly it would've been disclosed to guy2 over email because her and guy2 were basically in a cheering session about what was going on.

The only reason I cannot feel like she is cheating on me while we are so far apart is that the entire time its felt like she's worried i'm going to find someone else and possibly cheat on her. She calls several times a day, I know her schedule very well, I know where the holes are, and she knows mine just the same. I mean seriously, we talk probably 4 or 5 times in a day. I bought her a webcam so her and I could video-conference so I can see that no one else is there either most of the time. Although I will admit knowing all the schedules in the world wouldn't matter if she's lied even once. I have not wanted to because I don't want it to go there again, but I feel if I don't do the polygraph test then the only other way to know for sure without the truth being disturbed is to again look at her pc and see what she's been saying and to whom.

I forgot to mention in my long first post that just in this past year I had to ask her more than once to eliminate guy 2 from her life and delete him from her myspace friends listing. We'd had a discussion about this a while back and her feelings I know are that she wants to keep in contact with him. Guy 1 however she finally did realize the truth that he wasn't her friend and he's been out of the picture ever since the cheating. I am upset about guy 2 though in that he is a slimeball. I also had forgotten to mention that while him and her shared these emails and phone calls a while back that guy 2 was newly married with a newborn child who may be about 3 or 4 years old now. His attitude with my gf made and makes me sick. He is the kind to say whatever is convenient for him in order to get out of a sticky situation. The main reason i'm upset about guy 2 and my gf's contact with him is that she'd have contact with him at all after what happened. I have made it very clear to her in the past and up until she removed him from her myspace that I will not be with her as long as he is involved in her life. Her and I also had a discussion a while back along the lines of if she had to keep in contact with this guy (because she's known him several years longer than me) then to not tell me. Then on that note what bothers me about that is it is leaving a margin for the unknown. I don't believe there should be unknowns in a "couple" situation nor do I adhere to the saying "what he/she doesn't know won't hurt him/her." because I believe it to be disrespectful. I feel like she should understand this and that she should've wanted to stop talking to guy 2 altogether on her own for the good of our relationship because in my eyes guy 2 is just as bad as guy 1 and if guy 2 would've lived near us at the time all this stuff happened i'm willing to bet something would've physically happened with him as well.

What do ya'll think about her being resistant to eliminating guy 2 from her life just in recent months?

Another topic - on 7/22/06 I sent my gf copies of a personality assessment test finding that I received from a career counselor as I am exploring a new career path. Lots of changes going on right now. I sent it to her because when I read it I realized that it was giving me very insightful information about myself and why I am the way I am. I sent it to her with the instructions that I wanted her to read the 4 pages, highlight, and make notes on the information and then send it back to me so that I could see how I am perceived by her in a side effort beyond the career counseling to better improve her and i's interactions and communications since we are drastically different personalities. The letter I wrote to her with the 4 pages was done in "hand-writing" which she should know by now is a rarity as I usually type most things. She's acknowledged noticing this in the past and thought highly of it as well as treasured things I hand wrote her which were lost in katrina's wake. The letter's content was expressive enough that this was/is very important to me and so was my initial discussion to her when I said I was sending it, and again the 2 hints thereafter. This past thursday she just finished a final exam (she took one math class at a jr college over the summer) on thursday. Her and I go on a trip to florida for a week this coming monday and she has not mentioned the letter/paperwork at all on her own; not once. This is typical of her. She rarely does anything for anyone else; only for herself. It usually comes down to me having to push her after getting frustrated and upset about whatever topic to get action out of her on anything and then she turns it back onto me saying i'm making her feel guilty when I shouldn't be. I did do a fair share of un-fair guilting onto her in the past, but that was before all the counseling and time apart. This obviously has skewed the ability to see when I have a valid point and when I don't because she uses the guilting excuse on me every single time she is extremely lax on something that i've waited patiently on. I realize she had that exam and daily homework and keeps a 25 - 30 hour part time job, but how much more time am I supposed to give her? Do I bring it up again a 4th time? After 4 years I am very tired of this cycle and tired of being made to feel bad about things that I feel are important to me (after I lose my cool after extended waiting and hints) that she should acknowledge on her own to begin with. This is where knowing her comes in to play because one may think by her behavior that she doesn't care about me as much as i've said, wherein the reality is she's just plain lazy. Her mom and dad divorced ages ago and her and her sister lived with her mom in what was surely always a pig-stye (spell check?) only with focus on reading books and school. She doesn't react until the absolute force-out point like if i'd threaten to break-up with her if she doesn't pay more attention to things beyond herself. Of course she talks to her mom a lot and human nature is to defend thyself and she believes she is not discourteous or lazy and that its just me. Well, in 4 years more than just me has gotten to know her and everyone I know has commented on the same stuff that i've noticed and that is the only thing thats kept me sane. I guess it could be basically described as she loves me, but just doesn't want to put forth any effort especially if it is by way of suggestion coming from "me". This inclines me to think I should wait even longer on the personality letter response, but I had sincerely hoped (and told her) that she would've done it and sent it back to me before we were going on this trip to florida. Now i'll be thinking about it the entire week holding my lip. Do I really want to bring that up on the trip? I know the first thing out of her mouth will be that she wants to relax and not talk about stuff like that on vacation and frankly I would agree with her there, but it of course still burns me that she didn't take notice of the importance of this and get it out of the way. Sigh....

Nobody have anything to add? I'm sorry its so long, but its just long.

I honestly feel that people can change, just like you have stated in your post about your girlfriend. Even though the hurt of being cheated on never fully goes away, you do have to find a way to get past it and move on without dwelling on it or even thinking about it on a regular basis. Like you said, your girlfriend has grown into a better person. We all do things that we are not proud of when we are young. Sometimes we can "grow up" in a year or two. It depends on the person. It could also be that your girlfriend blossomed into this better person for you. She may have realized that all that she was looking for while you two were together the first time, was really right in her face all along. It was you all along. But, we all have to weed out the bad seeds in order for us to know for sure that we have found "the one". Like I said, you will never be able to forget about the things she did that hurt you, but you can learn to forgive, which is what you have obviously done since you are back together with her. You have to just move forward with your relationship. I just do not think it's a good idea to keep bringing up the past issues you two had while you were together the first time. That time is over with now. The two of you are different people now. This will always be in the back of your head, but you can not keep dwelling on it or your going to ruin this wonderful relationship that you two currently have together. I don't think that is something you want to see happen. You seem to really love this girl. A good and healthy relationship is built 100% on trust. If you do not have the trust in your relationship, you do not have a relationship at all. This is the truth. If you start asking her to take lie detector test to prove her loyalty to you, she's going to feel and know that you do not trust her or your relationship. Nor do you fully believe that she has changed. Otherwise, you would know the answer to these questions when it comes to her loyalty to you. If it were me and my husband/boyfriend came to me and we were in the same situation, I would feel very hurt. It would take me a long time to get over the fact that my boyfriend distrust me so much that he has to have a lie detector test to prove to him of my loyalty to him and our relationship. I would really resent him for even asking me to do such a thing if I truely had changed and were committed to the relationship 100%. It would make me feel as if it were all for nothing, because he obviously will never get over our past issues. If I felt this was the case, our relationship would cease until we/he was able to get past this issue of distrust. Even if she didn't feel the same way as I would, it could still drive a huge wedge between the two of you and for good reason. Not to mention the fact that lie detector test are not 100% accurate. People lie on them all the time and pass with flying colors. That's why judges do not accept them in their courtrooms as credible evidence. They can't be trusted. It all has to do with nerves and how well you can control them when put on the spot. Also, you should put yourself in her shoes and ask yourself if this is something that you would like to see happen to you if the tables were turned. It all boils down to the fact that you either trust her or you don't. There is no in between when it comes to trust in a committed relationship. If you trust her and you trust that she truely has changed out of her old ways, then you need to move forward with her and put all those bad memories to rest. Then focus on making this current relationship the best it can be. Be happy together and trust that you are both committed to each other and noone could break apart the bond that you share. If your proven wrong later on down the road then so be it. That lie detector test is not going to prevent anything like this from happening again if this is the kind of person she truely is inside. Try to just move on and see where it takes you and try to put all those bad memories behind you. Dwelling on these bad memories is only going to harm this wonderful relationship that you both have worked so hard to achieve. You were able to make your way back to each other after a breakup. Now it's time to make it work. Not many people make their way back to each other after a break up. And they especially don't make their way back to each other better people than they were the begin with. You two are very lucky and I think you need to realize that and just try to be happy now. Haven't you heard that old saying, "if you love someone let them go and if it's meant to be they will find their way back to you"? (something to that effect, but you get my point). Well, that is exactly what has happened with you two. You have been fortunate enough to find your way back to one another, so now its time to make it work! Not everyone is given a second chance at true love. You need to realize that there is a real reason to why you both found your way back to one another. Sometimes things are just meant to be and no matter how hard you try to fight or run away from it, it always works itself out in the end. You just can't deny or hide from your fate and what it has in store for you. Make the best out of this new chance at love and move forward. Life is too short and there are so many worries in life as it is. Just be happy and try to live for the moment together and just grow together in your relationship. If you're both fully committed, I don't see how you could go wrong. Stop thinking so much and worrying about what "could" happen or "if" you will be hurt again. Trust in your girlfriends love for you and try to just be happy together.

Keep me informed on what's going on. I really would love to know what you decided to do.

I really do hope you both make the right decisions and strive to strengthen your relationship for the long haul. True love is very hard to find, so if/when you do find it, you better hold on to it, because it really is worth holding on to in the long run. It's not always easy and it does take a lot of continuous hard work from both sides, but it's worth every second.

Good luck to you both!

It looks like you are the most caring guy in the world and you love her dearly. That explains the emails you checked into and your concern about her friends.
But sadly, she does not have the same feelings for you. She wants to make friends with other guys and have fun without you. A person like that will never change.

I think you have wasted enough time with her. Move on and find someone as caring as yourself. You deserve better.

Sorry if I am being harsh but thats what I feel.