Hi, i'm new here. I got married just a month ago, and lately this passed to weeks have been horrible. He's in the military(air force) so he's over there at texas and i'm in puerto rico waiting for him to get his orders,come for me and got o japan where thet staioned us. So, this means we're not even living together yet and we're having trouble, this worries me because I think it can get so much worse when we start living together.
The situation is that whenever he wants to talk about something and I don't,i still have to listen to him weather I like it or not but when I need to talk about something and he doesn't want to talk about it,he hungd up on me and I stay with whatever I have inside,with lots of anger and frustration. When I do get to talk to him,it's when I get mad and tell him to listen to me,because he has to and not even when i'm finished saying what I want to say he comes with the same "bull$\!*" that he is sacrifying a lot, and I don't recognize that, he has to study and all i'm doing is making him mad..Bla bla bla. He always says that and I feel like my own husband,who is supossed to be my best friend, my emotional support is not there,is not even listening.
The most hurtful thing he did today was to call me saying that I decided to stay here(puerto rico) he's like threatning me of not going to japan with him. This is something parents do with their child! I need help,i really want this marriage to work I mean it's only been one month! I feel he's misstreating me and it hurst really bad... Really bad.
You should probably ...Take a deep breath **first**... Then suck all those negative feelings up... And tell him... "we need to talk about whats going on"
go into the conversation intending not to yell...
And really just talk about everything.
I dont know if he is one of those people who has a hard time talking...Or if its also starting from your own emotions....
If the fights are also starting because of you... Try talking about your situation with him... But this time consciously tell yourself you will not yell...Be rude or nasty...Just be honest the way you feel and what you need and ask for it...Tell him its what you need...And that you want this to work... But you are having difficulties with ( fill in blank) ...And I feel (fill in blank)
and if he esculates...Again...Just take a deep breath...Dont yell back...Take the calm position of the two of you...It'll rub off on him.
I hope you can work it out!
I just know when I am dealing with people who have tempers...I usually aam not that emotional of a person... They still resist and try to yell and be angry...But when I stay and am not coming back with rude comments and just staying calm and saying...Lets work this out... They usually come around...And they see how silly they are.
Or the other tactic I do sometimes is its not working (or they are the type of person who just escalates with that type of behavior)...Is I tell them I am not going to talk to them unless they stop acting the way they are. I say...You are not yourself...You are being rude to me...You arn't acting like you want to solve the problem...And I am not going to have a conversation with you until you come to me calm and ready to solve this problem....
For taking the time to write something. I don't think the second one is going to work on him because he'll just be fine with not talking and hang me up. But thank god I exploted,i talked to him as I could (because I was crying) and told him everything I had inside. He say he was sorry and that it wasn't going to happen again. I don't really much beleive in that but atleast I know he'll try. He sayed he wasn't going to say a word untill I finished talking. I guess that's a good thing...We haven't had a fight today...I hope it keeps going that way.
But,he has this attitud that really bothers and its that he doesn't want to be repeating himself. Sometimes I don't get something and I ask over again and he gets mad. Just as he gets mad when somebody interrupts him and I think that's will be something hard to change unfortunately.
He is a soldier for our country, as well as you are too. When he needs someone badly you will bethe one he wants. You have to understand that. Heck I never got to see puerto rico or japan, be thankful.
Yeah..Ive just made my first year, and in my first month my husband and I wanted to get a divorce because he didnt want to take out the trash..The only problem was that once we got married he got lazy..Once he and I sat down and discussed the situation we have come together a lot. Men and women some times speak different languages..And men being who they are dont know how to relate to us..It took sometime,and within this year we went through a lot of changes, but in the end we became closer than ever, and I married my bestfriend from high school..We reunited just after new years of 2004..Eight years had past and we never knew we would end up together..We never slept together because our parents were so strict on us, but we were the best of friends..Who would've known that I would've married the captain of the varsity team. So understand how you feel..Due to the fact he is under a lot of pressure with all the things in the world, sounds like he is more afraid than you are..He may want to be around you more and spend more time with you just as much as you do..Try to see if you could spend a week on base with him...Some married families do stay on base with husbands try see if he could make some arrangements for you to stay there until he gets ready to get his assignment...Only if he is not on training..Still remain faithful, and remain submissive..
Thankyou so much for your reply,hardly anybody does...
I can't spend a week with him on base because,right now all the money it's for our wedding here in puerto rico,and we can't spend that much of money foronly a week. Plus my parents don't want me to sleep with him ultill we're married through church(they still think i'm a virgin) and i'd like to keep it that way. We will be living together in japan...We already worked out things a bit, he does miss me and he's having a hard time over there.
I can imagine...Hold your head up it will work out, try to see if they have a wedding chapel somewhere...My husband and I did it we saved a lot of money our package included a video and pictures, I had a maid of honor and a flower girl, he had a best man along with my family showing up it cost us about $2k, but a small wedding is better than being broke afterwards...Just invite the main people like both parents and grandparents, and when he comes come have a big fiesta..In honor of your wedding... :wink:
The problem is we already gave deposit for things like the catering,cacke,dress and all that. He wanted it to be simple,but I wanted something with friends and family because it's my first and hopefuly last wedding ever and I wanted it to be really special. And I apprechiate all he does for me but I think I deserve some respect and not beeing treated like sometimes... :cry: to the point that I had to ask permission to log in into his messenger? What is that?! I'm his wife not his kid.
Yeah but dont over do it..Try to keep it at a minium because in a wedding your recption is the most expensive...Also..You might want to try premarriage councelling before you get married..Go out and find a book called saving your marriage before it starts..Male and female. At the christian book store..I found that the things that was in this book helps me alot in my marriage..May be helpful...That way you know what you are getting into before you get married..Do not forget..They way he is now will be the way he will be in this marriage...So he will may not change..I am sure it will work out..Stay in the church and dont take any advice from any of your single friends because they can cause you more pain the happiness..If you need marriage advice seek your pastor, priest, or someone who has been married for more than 5years... :wink:
My husband and I have been married for 5 years this dec. He is in the air force also. Your guy is probably going threw things there in texas. It can be very stressful for him. And dont forget that he is very far away from u too. Our first base was okinawa japan. Its hard at first but it does get better. And about the messenger he needs his own space and privacy. Why did u want to look in it? Are u afraid that he is cheating? Think about all the time he may be deployed. And are u ready to go weeks or even months without seeing him? My hubby has been tdy for 2 months. It gets lonely. And u will also be far away from home while he is gone. Not trying to put all the load on u but as a military wife myself, are u ready to deal with the emotions of military life.