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Does This Happen to Anyone Else?

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I have been dealing with (battling with) anorexia for years and now am force feeding myself when I am having a bad day but as long as I eat something I don't go back to those patterns. But lately I have noticed that when I have convinced myself that I am going to eat no matter what, I will catch really nasty thoughts going through my mind like, (the scene from some movie) when I was trying to eat rice, I thought of maggots. I am wondering if there is something else wrong ? If this happens to anyone else please tell me. This is horrible for me after 17 years and thinking I was starting to get over these problems.
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replied January 19th, 2004
Extremely eHealthy
I think its just your eating disorder mind trying to take over... You just gotta be the stronger voice, and as gross as things may seem u just got to try to think about something completely different and maybe not even think about eating or food as u eat it if u can. This has happened to me before too but u just have to beat it outta ur head
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replied January 19th, 2004
Eating Disorder Mind?
Is that your own term or is that one you read some where. I have tryed to explain this to doctors and everything but they don't react well. Thank you for the response, you have no idea how much better I feel just knowing that I am not the only one this happens too. I do fight through it, I have come to far to go back again. To be clear there, I even forced myself to eat that rice, and once I started it was as if I had defeated that part of my head, because it was over, well at least for that meal. The other issue I noticed when I had the flu for about 4 days and couldn't eat it was like I opened that ugly door again and even when I felt 100% better I couldn't eat without all those nasty feelings, I had to start the fight again, not wanting to eat just took over so fast. I know I did those thing for a reason and I don't need that for a tool anymore, I want to show my 10 year old daughter the right way to live and that is not it. By the way kari how is your pregnancy going. Are you still doing okay and eating well?
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replied January 28th, 2004
Eating Clouds
Hey - I know how that is.
When I was in the worst of my bulimia, when I would eat I would picture it as the vomit.

I soon realized that I was viewing my food through the eyes of "ed" (eating disorder), rather than the eyes of me viwing the food as somethign healthy and needing to my body, rather than something my body wants. It's easy to give in to the ed voice...Rather than fight it, huh? But in the end, as a girl who's been to the end and back, you become a much more stronger person if you can fight the voice. And I would strongly encourage you to find someone, an "accountablity partner" who you can call when you sense you're listening to ed, and need someone to switch you over the the me voice.

If I can help, please let me know!
Love ya,
jockgal
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replied January 28th, 2004
Extremely eHealthy
Hey hun, actually I think I put it in the wrong words, but my therapist always told me that those kind of thoughts were the eating disorder trying to take over...So for me its like 2 different voices ya know? And u just gotta make your overpower it. But yes, my pregnancy is going well and I am eating alot lol and good too. I am 15 weeks today actually*
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replied February 2nd, 2004
An Accountabilty Partner
Sounds like a great idea, I have been fighting it alone for years, I even shut my husband out of it completely until just the last few months. But I only let him in because I felt like I was loosing the battle at one point and need help with our younger children. I think that is part of the disorder, for me at least, isolation is a horrible thing and made it easier for me to do what I was doing. Thank's for the insight girls. And any info you think might help please let me know. Kari I am glad to hear you are doing well for you baby, now all you need is to turn the love you feel for him/her on yourself so you can love you as much as you love the baby, and then from there it seems so much easier. I have 3 kids and with the first two, I didn't learn that lesson, but after my third I knew I was worth my own love.
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