Hi there
i've read quite a few of the posts here
and already feel better that I am not
alone in experiencing some of the things
that I have. I met someone online and we
have been going out for about two months.
He could be incredibly affectionate one
day when we meet and then the next it was
like he had just switched from me
completely. He didn't touch me at all and
seemed disconnected. I didn't know what
to make of it and in a weird way wasn't as
hurt as I could have been because it just
didn't make sense and I felt that he's not
a bad person maybe just confused about
things. Every few weeks he would say that
really we should be friends and that he
didn't feel that this was a relationship,
it would be better if we kept it casual
but he knew I woudlnt want that. He said
he really fancied me, enjoyed being with
me, thought I was good for him, but
thought I was more of a friend. I would
say that we should just see where it goes,
we don't have to make a decisions about
what it is, lets just enjoy it. From the
first time he said this though, I kind of
backed off. I didn't initiate any
meeting, but he would always contact me
and text me and we would meet often. I
actually felt I had no time for anything
else in my life, I was either with him
reacting to the mood he was in or thinking
about him and trying to work it out. I
should also add here, that I am a virgin
and while we had attempted intercourse a
few times, I had found it painful so we
stopped. On one occasion when we stopped,
he just seemed to switch off from me and
wouldn't talk much. He said he felt silly
and rejected and seemed to have little
though at all for how I felt. On other
occasions he couldn't be more lovely. I
hadn't been sure how a man woudl react to
this anyway so thought maybe this is
normal.
This week on monday he basically split up
with me and said that we were friends and
we couldn't pretend that it was casual
because we were seeing a lot of each other
etc and he didnt want a relationship with
me. It wasn't a surprise and he said he'd
been up all sunday night thinking about it
and had taken the day off work. We went
back to my flat and he told me that 18m
ago he had been diagnosed with bi-polar.
He hasn't told anyone except his best
friend. He cried a lot when he told me.
I was almost relieved since it made some
things make more sense, and also concerned
if I am honest about what I might be
taking on. He stayed that night but in
the morning again was detached. He asked
me if I wanted to still see him and I said
of course, but he said he didnt know in
what form. We met again on wednesday when
I said that I didn't want to put pressure
but I didn't understand where we were. He
said that what he said on monday stood,
that he felt we were more friends that
anything else. When I tried to talk to
him, he was just closed up and defensive
and we left it in a not so nice way. I
texted him the next day because I didn't
like that and we met and I said that it
was ok and since we had both exchanged
intimate things along the way it would be
a shame to leave it like this. We had a
good evening and talked more honestly than
we ever had and he stayed over again. In
the morning he was ok, a bit detached but
ok. He left and hasn't been in contact
for a day or two. I'm not sure how much
of this is down to bi-polar or just that
it wasn't working. I think it is probably
a good thing it is finished, but not quite
sure where to take things from here. He
told me he doesn't have many close friends
and his relationships with women last no
more than a few weeks. He says he is
picky but I think he just finds something
to stop a relationship progressing. He
says he tried to make this work but it
can't and he was forcing it. I should add
that I really don't know what I wanted
here. I think maybe I got caught up on
the rollercoaster. Just feel confused at
the moment. Any thoughts??
|
scorpioness
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 25 Jul 2006 Posts: 6
Re: Broken Up And Confused Posted: 08-12-06 03:07am
bedfor
wrote:
hi there
i've read quite a few of the posts here
and already feel better that I am not
alone in experiencing some of the things
that I have. I met someone online and we
have been going out for about two months.
He could be incredibly affectionate one
day when we meet and then the next it was
like he had just switched from me
completely. He didn't touch me at all
and seemed disconnected. I didn't know
what to make of it and in a weird way
wasn't as hurt as I could have been
because it just didn't make sense and I
felt that he's not a bad person maybe just
confused about things. Every few weeks
he would say that really we should be
friends and that he didn't feel that this
was a relationship, it would be better if
we kept it casual but he knew I woudlnt
want that. He said he really fancied me,
enjoyed being with me, thought I was good
for him, but thought I was more of a
friend. I would say that we should just
see where it goes, we don't have to make a
decisions about what it is, lets just
enjoy it. From the first time he said
this though, I kind of backed off. I
didn't initiate any meeting, but he would
always contact me and text me and we would
meet often. I actually felt I had no
time for anything else in my life, I was
either with him reacting to the mood he
was in or thinking about him and trying to
work it out. I should also add here,
that I am a virgin and while we had
attempted intercourse a few times, I had
found it painful so we stopped. On one
occasion when we stopped, he just seemed
to switch off from me and wouldn't talk
much. He said he felt silly and rejected
and seemed to have little though at all
for how I felt. On other occasions he
couldn't be more lovely. I hadn't been
sure how a man woudl react to this anyway
so thought maybe this is normal.
This week on monday he basically split up
with me and said that we were friends and
we couldn't pretend that it was casual
because we were seeing a lot of each other
etc and he didnt want a relationship with
me. It wasn't a surprise and he said
he'd been up all sunday night thinking
about it and had taken the day off work.
We went back to my flat and he told me
that 18m ago he had been diagnosed with
bi-polar. He hasn't told anyone except
his best friend. He cried a lot when he
told me. I was almost relieved since it
made some things make more sense, and also
concerned if I am honest about what I
might be taking on. He stayed that night
but in the morning again was detached.
He asked me if I wanted to still see him
and I said of course, but he said he didnt
know in what form. We met again on
wednesday when I said that I didn't want
to put pressure but I didn't understand
where we were. He said that what he said
on monday stood, that he felt we were more
friends that anything else. When I tried
to talk to him, he was just closed up and
defensive and we left it in a not so nice
way. I texted him the next day because I
didn't like that and we met and I said
that it was ok and since we had both
exchanged intimate things along the way it
would be a shame to leave it like this.
We had a good evening and talked more
honestly than we ever had and he stayed
over again. In the morning he was ok, a
bit detached but ok. He left and hasn't
been in contact for a day or two. I'm
not sure how much of this is down to
bi-polar or just that it wasn't working.
I think it is probably a good thing it is
finished, but not quite sure where to take
things from here. He told me he doesn't
have many close friends and his
relationships with women last no more than
a few weeks. He says he is picky but I
think he just finds something to stop a
relationship progressing. He says he
tried to make this work but it can't and
he was forcing it. I should add that I
really don't know what I wanted here. I
think maybe I got caught up on the
rollercoaster. Just feel confused at the
moment. Any
thoughts??
while reading your post, I just could not
help but cry. It reminded me of my
situation, and how much I hate him right
now...And I hate myself even more, because
he has me wrapped around his fingers. And
that is what I feel, but it's not his
fault that he is this way...But it is my
fault for allowing it. Unfortunately, I
wish I could say that it's just a phase...
But from my experience, it's not. It
wont go away, it might get calmed and seem
as though everything is alright, but out
of the blue, something may trigger it.
Unless he takes his medication. But most
of the time, he doesnt. (i say he,
because I dont want to say "they" because
I am just speaking of my experience. )
and a lot of people that I know just do
not believe in taking medications because
it makes them feel numb and fake.
I sometimes feel I am bipolar, simply
because I am thinking of him. He is not
good for me. I just got into a car
accident because I wanted to see him so
badly, even though I knew it wasnt good.
I am becoming self-destructive like I once
was--and it's because of him. I dont
blame him, but I guess I dont have the
patience that it requires. I cant go 2
wks without hearing from someone I love
without any explainations, I cant go 2
weeks without knowing you're alive. I
cant do it. My weakness is that I care
too much. And it's been 2 months since we
last spoke.
What is the problem u ask... It's not the
first time. Last time it lasted 4 months!
4 months!! 4 months of me wasting my
life...
"i actually felt I had no time for
anything else in my life, I was either
with him reacting to the mood he was in or
thinking about him and trying to work it
out." <~ please honey, if you dont
have your heart in the relationship
already, I say run. Run. Run. Im sorry.
The pain is awful. You will never find
that intense love ever again-- because
they will worship you one day... And
condemn you the other. My mistake-- I did
not listen when people told me it wasnt
healthy. Basically, it was always what he
said, when he said, and where he said. He
never compromised, and tried soooo hard to
shut his heart out. I know why we're not
together. He is scared. He knows that
our love was so strong that it scared him
to fall in love. And he didnt know how to
deal with it. Can you believe the last
time we spoke everything was going
perfect. I never got any explaination to
this behavior. He ignored every attempt I
made. And all the messages I left of
concern. It's like he never cared. My
heart still aches, and it's been 2 months.
I am so scared to go where we "met"
because I know he will be there, and he
will breakdown and cry for forgiveness
(like he did before) and im scared I will
take him back because his smile makes me
want to live. His eyes are my light. And
his body is my temple. ... And so ...
This is not healthy. It's not. Because I
know my weaknesses, and if I go back with
him, this vicious circle will never end.
And im sorry, I just needed to vent a bit.
Thank you for listening...And I wish you
much luck in whatever decision you make...
And just know we are all here for you.
We might not know you, not know your name,
not know where u are from, or anything
about u, but just know, that when I read I
am here for u...So take care.
|
catflor
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 17 Aug 2006 Posts: 3 Location: ohio
Trying to Be Supportive Posted: 08-17-06 17:32pm
Hi you both sound like me.
Been in my relaionship for three years we
met started going out he was quite to him
self didnt push his self onme which was
cool im old fashion.
Later we went on trip across the states he
started to act different than what he
showed be in the begining, by the time the
trip was over 30 days later, I felt I done
something wrong, we were not holding each
other or talking any more plain and simple
we were acting like a couple.
He would have out burst of anger, just
over small things.
Now its all my fault, im a terrible
person, last year I thought manic but
wasnt sure until he told a friend at 14 he
was dx with manic depression
but the mood swings the god awful things
that would come out of his mouth I was
shocked,, we live as roommates more or
less, I think hes comfortable this way,,
im trying to be supportive and help him
out.
The blaming is starting to wear me thin,
yes when ive had enough I would blow and
it seems to make him stop and think but
than im feeling terrible.
I love him very much but all he see's any
more are bad times never our good times,,
he also drinks to hide not all the time
only when somethings really bothering him
and he doesnt want to handle it.
His depression get so low he doesnt even
see me any more..When I cry he would hold
me etc.. Now he walks past me or just
sits there reading a book or watches tv
acting like im not even in the room.
He tells me imfull of rage and anger which
he's actully talking about him self. I
finally got him to agree if I can find
herbs to help him he will take but no man
make crap as he put it.
We no longer sit with each other he got
two chairs.
Ive told him what ive miss and he tells
him hes right there he never left.
Ive told him when I hug himtrying to get
close he pushes me away or tell me go get
from the kitchen, he tells me he doesnt do
that it all inmy head.
I doknow hes very scared of getting close
and im going to leave him and I did figure
that reason (his changing moods and angery
out bursts etc)
told him im here to help if I wanted to
leave I would have done that while ago..
Any ideas tips or just plan support
|
scorpioness
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 25 Jul 2006 Posts: 6
Re: Trying to Be Supportive Posted: 08-18-06 02:09am
Oh man. I feel bad just reading. So, why
did it last 3 yrs? And do u know what
triggers it? More details. Im intrigued.
|
bedfor
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 30 Jul 2006 Posts: 16 Location: London
Thanks Posted: 08-24-06 09:16am
Hi there
i am sorry I have not posted sooner, but
been away and tried my best not to think
about things. Thank you so much
scopioness and catflor for taking the time
to post and tell me your stories. It does
help to know that other people have been
through similar things and that there are
people out there who care and understand.
I have only told my best friend of my
ex-boyfriend's condition because I felt it
was betraying him to tell anyone else.
Her reaction, as someone who loves me of
course, is that I am better off out of it
etc. This is true but I know she sees
bi-polar as a kind of extreme madness,
going on what is shown on tv, when in
reality it is something more complex-
expecially when you experience someone's
behaviour within a relationship. It is
just not black and white. There were
times when I felt I was going to burst
with happiness.
Scorpioness, I really emphathise with you
and I hope that you are ok. You said that
you sometimes felt bi-polar and I know
what you mean. It just takes up so much
head space. You describe some of the
emotions that I have felt, particularly
the feeling of having "allowed" the bad
behaviour. Why did I put up with it?
Something in me felt it was "out of
character" so I tried not to be affected
by it, but sometimes I wonder. I often
felt as blank because I felt scared to be
happy when he was nice because I knew the
low part would come and I would have to
somehow be detached so as not to be hurt
by it. I said to him in anger once
(before I knew that he was bi-polar) that
I didn't want to feel flat all the time.
Looking back now I think that may have
stung since reading up on bi-polar it
seems that when you are taking meds some
people experience a sense of flatness
which is what can make them not want to
take them. I had already noticed a sense
of heaviness in him, in fact I had
wondered if he was depressed. My dilemma
I suppose is whether my ex is using his
bi-polar as an excuse for his bad
behaviour. He was taking his meds as far
as I know. But I also know that he
described how he suddenly felt great anger
towards people at work in situations where
it was uncalled for despite this. I think
he just doesn't want me to think he is a
deliberately bad person which is why told
me. He said near the beginning that my
good opinion of him mattered. He hasnt
told anyone else. But on some level I
think he has to take responsibility for
what he did. He has apologised to me and
he says he is glad that I have forgiven
him and glad that I want to still see him
as a friend, but I dont think he has the
ability to really understand how hurt I
felt at times. He does not see outside of
himself. My anger is not that we have
broken up (i think that was the ight
thing) but that he was so cruel to me and
I guess I put up with it. This was my
first real sexual experience, he knew
that, yet didnt treat me well. I dont
want to retain bad feelings about this
since it wont help me, but it is hard to
let it go.
Catflor, your story sounds a difficult
one, and you have done well to be so
supportive for so long. In a way while I
sometimes think maybe we are weak to put
up with behaviour that hurts us, there is
also a great strength in it. I do think
though that you need to think about
yourself too. I dont know all the details
of your situation, but you have given a
lot. You need space to breathe. Let me
know how things are. Scorpioness, you
too. Wishing you both the very best.
With thanksxxxx
|
catflor
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 17 Aug 2006 Posts: 3 Location: ohio
Posted: 08-24-06 16:38pm
Im still with him due to I know its an
illness and he lets me in and I get to see
and get a sence of what he goes through.
At times it breaks my heart to see him in
pain cause he does try to communicate and
it gets all knotted up then he gets
frustrated and blows.
Its like watching a little child thats
confused cause he doesnt know how to get
things out then he feels alone and scared
I just leave notes letting him know im
still here for him and im just giving him
space to sort things out and colllect his
thoughts let me know when he wants to ralk
i'll just listen if he wants.
For past two weeks things have been better
due to im starting not to take things he
says personal and remind my self its not
me hes up set with its his self.
Im a person that can pick up on peoples
feelings etc.. And know when thier in
trouble or just pulling your leg and I try
to point the way but its thier choice
where they want to go.
I talk to lots of people its like they
feel comfortable and just start talking
just to listen to them help them to
release pin up stuff they look and feel
better.
Well have to go keep in touch
|
scorpioness
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 25 Jul 2006 Posts: 6
Posted: 08-25-06 03:21am
Catflor,
thank you. I really appreciate it. I
still think of him and miss him. I just
dont know why... I think it's because
it's the first man I really loved,
emotionally and physically. And quite
frankly, I dont even want to make love to
anyone else, and sadly enough i've chosen
not to. I started to go back to school
and work both full time so I occupy myself
more. Reading this made me think, and
reading all of these responses made me
think..I want to let him know I am still
here from a distance. I dont want to
call, and I dont plan on going over, so I
think next week I will buy him a nice card
and mail it. Just to let him know I care,
because one of my biggest concerns is that
he doesnt have anyone to care for him. I
mean, he keeps in touch with his parents,
but they're really not close. And all his
friends are all as*h*l*s, and all they do
if make him insane.
So, my question, do you (anyone) think is
a good idea to get him a card to show I
still care, or did he really not want
anything to do with me, even though he
didnt tell me... He just ignored me.
Which I hate with a passion, but I care so
much that I want to write him to let him
know I care, not to get back with him.
Thanks in advance, and please do write. I
love reading!
|
bedfor
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 30 Jul 2006 Posts: 16 Location: London
Contact? Posted: 08-26-06 09:29am
Hi there scorpioness
it is good to read other people's
experiences, it helps to get a perspective
and a bit more understanding. I also
realise that there is no real "answer" to
find to our situations, I guess we just
have to move on through them and try do
what we think is right at the time. You
said that you were thinking about sending
a card and I am in a similar position in
that I am wondering whether to send an
email. A good friend of mine gave some
advice which helped me (she doesnt know
the whole situation though). My dilemma
is that I would like to be friends with my
ex, and it sounds from what you said that
you want to make sure your ex is ok. My
friend said that if that is what I truly
want then I should do it. If I am
expecting something more from him then I
shouldnt because that is not likely to
happen. She said that I need to be honest
with myself about it and this is the
question that I am trying to resolve. If
all you want is to let him know that you
are there and that he is not alone and you
will feel better having done that, you
should send the card. If you are hoping
that the card will prompt him to contact
you or give you explanations for what has
happened, you need to be prepared for this
not to happen. I dont think that this
necessarily means he doesnt care, only
that he maybe doesnt want to face it,
can't face it etc and its easier not to.
Sometimes there is nothing more we can do
for people we care about if they dont want
us to. I dont know the details of your
situation so maybe what I have written
doesnt sound right, but I think a card is
a nice gesture. I'd just be wary of
having any expectations from it. As for
me, I have decided (i think) that I do
want to be friends with my ex and I will
send him a brief email and see how things
go...Will let you know. Keep in touch.
Wishing you the best xxx
|
MMica
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 24 Aug 2006 Posts: 3 Location: USA
Contact? Posted: 08-28-06 17:48pm
Hello, in reading these posts I see
myself in the exact same situation. I've
known my guy for about 10 mos. Now and we
had a wonderful first 3 mos and then he
started exhibiting what i've come to term,
"the behaviour."
i came to love this man and he tells me
still that he loves me, although we've
gone from being friends and lovers to
being "brother and sister."
when he acts even he is wonderful, loving
and alive but when he gets in those manic
moods he is a lecturing monster, which
ironically is nickname for me.
It tore me up and I honestly thought for
awhile that I was going nuts and the
things he accused me of, like stupidity,
having a dark heart, not being present,
etc., were all true. Through boards
like these and heading off to therapy i've
learned that he is simply a man with a
serious problem who is likely not to seek
help unfortunately. He's foreign,
self-employed, and has no insurance.
Worse, he thinks himself above all of us
and therefore even the suggestion that he
needs med will send him into a screaming
tirade.
He knows I love him, am here for him
always, and has opened up to me, confided
in me the most personal of his past, and
he's been there for me too, but last week
he called and asked if I had any final
questions for him (he thinks of himself as
an enlightened guru now) because he was
"closing out" his relationships.
I'm ashamed to say that I allowed his
daggerlike words to provoke me into
arguing back. I'm not sure if I should
send him another of my loving and
reassuring e-cards or draw something and
send thru the mail - i'm fairly sure he
will appreciate it and contact me again if
he hasn't decided to harm himself. I
honestly don't know what to do.
In your case, he doesn't sound all that
bad so I would keep in touch and reassure
him. But the question remains, where do
we draw the line between seeking the love
we want and sacrificing receiving any to
just love someone?
|
scorpioness
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 25 Jul 2006 Posts: 6
Re: Contact? Posted: 08-30-06 01:05am
mmica
wrote:
hello, in reading these
posts I see myself in the exact same
situation. I've known my guy for about
10 mos. Now and we had a wonderful first
3 mos and then he started exhibiting what
i've come to term, "the behaviour."
i came to love this man and he tells me
still that he loves me, although we've
gone from being friends and lovers to
being "brother and sister."
when he acts even he is wonderful, loving
and alive but when he gets in those manic
moods he is a lecturing monster, which
ironically is nickname for me.
It tore me up and I honestly thought for
awhile that I was going nuts and the
things he accused me of, like stupidity,
having a dark heart, not being present,
etc., were all true. Through boards
like these and heading off to therapy i've
learned that he is simply a man with a
serious problem who is likely not to seek
help unfortunately. He's foreign,
self-employed, and has no insurance.
Worse, he thinks himself above all of us
and therefore even the suggestion that he
needs med will send him into a screaming
tirade.
He knows I love him, am here for him
always, and has opened up to me, confided
in me the most personal of his past, and
he's been there for me too, but last week
he called and asked if I had any final
questions for him (he thinks of himself as
an enlightened guru now) because he was
"closing out" his relationships.
I'm ashamed to say that I allowed his
daggerlike words to provoke me into
arguing back. I'm not sure if I should
send him another of my loving and
reassuring e-cards or draw something and
send thru the mail - i'm fairly sure he
will appreciate it and contact me again if
he hasn't decided to harm himself. I
honestly don't know what to do.
In your case, he doesn't sound all that
bad so I would keep in touch and reassure
him. But the question remains, where do
we draw the line between seeking the love
we want and sacrificing receiving any to
just love
someone?
why the heck must it be that "3month"
phase!!!! I hate that!
|
catflor
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 17 Aug 2006 Posts: 3 Location: ohio
Posted: 09-09-06 11:41am
Sorrry every one havent been able to get
to library(no car right now)
i see there's no reason not to send him
notes, cards etc.. Long as thier in a
friend to friend base, they can not handle
to much pressure on top of what they deal
with already.. I call them walking time
bomb's, due to you really dont know when
thier really going to blow.
We were getting along great until
yesterday when we went to his folks his
dad came out said she and the kids are not
allowed onthe property only you, I couldnt
believe what he was saying, mind you we
were over there night before and was
helping them on the farm, I walked out m
came out said he's driving thought he was
going home here he drops us off and starts
to yell crap at me and went back ti his
folks then calls later from his bro.
Drunk then three hours later kicks in the
door, for what reason who knows??? But
what ever their saying he's sucking it all
in, were not talking at this point, he
keeps telling the kids you didnt do any
thing wrong at grandpa's house your mom I
told hin so they punish the kids to.
Thats real adult attuide,, so who knows
where this is going to end up, have a
feeling his family talking him to leave(
due to he's does every thing around the
house for every one while they go out
have fun etc) since we've got togehter
every one has to do thier own share of
work. Have to go..
|
adamcwatts
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 11 Sep 2006 Posts: 1
Wow Well I'm Young And Only 16 Yet I Have to Face This Posted: 09-11-06 20:39pm
Even though i'm young the above stories
sound like mine a somewhat.
I have a really close friend who i'v spent
alot of time with whos my age of 16. Shes
bipolar and we have known each other for 7
months and have become extremely close
friends. During these 7 months we have
broken up once and got back togther than
broke up recently again. The pain of
breaking up makes me cry and feel so bad
cause I didn't do anything wrong in the
relationhsip. Earlier this week she
brough up about wanting to have sex with
other guys and now breaks up with me. So
this is the 2nd time she has broke up with
me and I just got injured and I now habe
emotional and physical pain thats so
bad.:( hopefully this is just one of her
fases and than returns. I lover her more
than anything I know yet I also hate her
so much for doing this crap to me.
Someone please respond.. I'm so lonely
|
Alwayzluvinu32
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 30 Oct 2006 Posts: 4
Broken Hearted Too... Posted: 10-30-06 22:02pm
I too am a suffering heartbreak. I was
just told by the person I love that they
arent in love with me anymore and want to
be friends. It breaks my heart I was in
this for the long haul it didnt mattter
that they had bipolar to me or not. In
fact I was trying to educate myself and be
as supportive as I could. But here I am
sitting alone after putting my heart out
there on the line only to have it broken
into a million pieces. Worse of all is
that its completely over, no second
chance, nothing just friendship. From one
week or love and marriage to all the
sudden friendship and heartbreak. I am so
confused and so hurt.
They tell me it isnt their bipolar, but
after reading the post on here I am not so
certain of that. I dont know what to do
or what to think. It would be nice to
have some insight from someone who is
bipolar on why this happens? Why do you
turn away the ones that are willing to
stand beside 100% and love you with all
they have no matter what?
Ive been crying every night wanting back
the wonderful relationship I use to have.
I feel really cheated here.
Wow this was a heavy thread. Cried many
times reading it. Obviously we all have
something in common, loving someone with
this illness. Mica you said your ex
accused you of stupidity, having a dark
heart, not being present, etc. That is
exactly what my ex used to say to me. In
fact he would accuse me of being stupid a
lot because I didn’t have the
opportunity to finish college. He would
purposely berate me in his dating profiles
on line by alluding to how bad I made our
relationship. He told me once in every
instance in which he once loved a women,
he now hates her and he should probably
get counseling for it, but wasn’t going
to. That I would probably leave like all
the rest. My ex by the way is on
medication. That the truly sad thing,
because if he acts this way on the
medication, what would he be like without
it? Again, it’s truly a devastating
illness. Here is how I am coping now.
I found the more I wrote my ex or called
him saying nice things to him, asking for
forgiveness for something I didn’t do,
begging him back, the more he pulled away
to the point he now longer takes me calls
and deletes my e-mails. I am dead to him.
So the last thing I sent him which was
just the other day was an e-mail in which
I told him I would always be here if he
needed someone to talk to. I know he will
never call, but I can walk away now,
knowing I tried my all. I had to deal
with his 2 parents as well, which made it
worse because they are in denial that
their son is ill. He is 37 years old btw
and his parents are his only real friends.
They would much rather blame all the
women he has been with for his failed
relationships than admitting their son is
ill. It’s easier for them that way.
I wasn’t good enough for their son and
that’s the way they will always see it.
He told me that if anything would ever
happen to either of his parents he would
commit suicide and that he didn’t think
anyone could be as devoted as they were.
That’s pretty sad that a man of 37 has
to rely on his parents like that. My ex
hasn’t had a relationship with a woman
for longer than 3.5 years and that was in
college before his exhibited any signs of
the illness. But what I can do now is to
leave the relationship knowing for a fact
he loved me more than any other woman, at
least he admits to that and that he will
always think of me and know how hard I
tried, when other women just simply walk
away. I know I will live inside his
heart and to me, that’s priceless
because I will be the one he thinks of now
when he is sad and lonely. If that’s
all I can ever be to him again, then for
me it’s enough to know he still thinks
of me, even if his illness keeps him from
having a healthy relationship. I did my
best and gave my all. I can leave now
knowing it wasn’t me. For everyone
here who hasn’t read the bipolar guide
(what you and your family need to know) I
suggest you read it and everything else
you can get your hands on if you still
plan on pursuing your ex’s. I don’t
completely understand my attachment yet to
someone that treated me so miserably and
has said some horrific things. I take it
one day at a time, and even though its
been almost a year and a half since we
broke up, I am still thinking about him.
Truly it doesn’t get any easier, just
sadder.
Also another thing that might help
everyone is to remember that no matter
what when your ex decides to move on to
someone new, the same cycle will start
again with that new person. If your ex
knows you still love him and care, it will
reassure them, you weren’t like all
there rest who simply walked away.
Continue to educate yourself about the
bipolar illness. From my experience I
can tell you your depressed days will
become less and less. The first four
months after our breakup I became suicidal
and people who know me would tell you I
would have been the last person they would
have ever of thought to get so depressed.
I was put on lexapro, which in a sense
saved my life and my depression from then
on would lesson to every other day, then
every weekend, now after a year and a half
I have maybe one or two depressed days a
month. Also it’s really important to
surround yourself with positive people,
because bipolar people are so negative you
have begun to “think” like them. He
made me think I was the crazy one and for
awhile there, I probably was because I did
pick up on his mood swings. I honestly
don’t know where I would be without my
therapist, so I suggest a good one to help
you all through this, especially someone
that has counseled bipolar people as well.
I found through trying to understand the
illness, I have become stronger. I tell
myself everyday I am not going to let
“him” (my ex) steel anymore of my
happiness. Now instead I can feel sadness
for him to know he is still in so much
pain, but that I don’t have to go there
anymore to continue to love him.
More helpful things. The last thing I
ever wanted to do after the breakup with
my ex was to get into another
relationship. Luckily I was able to lean
on my first love and for 8 months he lent
his ear and advice to me and saw me
through the worst of the pain. I think
you all like me just want to know that
someone can love you because your ex’s
didn’t know how to show it or did one
day but not the next. You start to think
there is something wrong with you. I
know this is how I felt, so to have
someone love me again felt great and
knowing it was someone from my past made
it easier. That relationship failed too
however because he lived in one state and
me in another. I started to date again,
not because I wanted to but because I felt
I had to in order to move on. I met the
man I am with now and it’s been 6
months. I am attracted to him, but no
where near the same attraction or love I
had for my ex that is bipolar. I started
to look at it as me just going out having
fun with a man, but then slowly it turned
into something more and what I found, and
what I confirmed, is that I can actually
have a relationship with someone without
all the fighting and drama. After 6
months we haven’t had one single fight,
not one. So what does that tell me? It
tells me I was the healthy one, that
nothing is wrong with me. I am not
stupid, I don’t have a black heart I am
not destructive and I am not selfish. All
words my ex used to describe me. I can
love someone, and they can love me back.
So for me, it brought confirmation that I
wasn’t the one to cause the turmoil in
my past relationship, my ex was because he
is bipolar. Now you would think that
having someone new in my life would mean I
have moved passed my ex, and for whatever
reason, of which I still don’t
understand yet, I haven’t completely let
him go and perhaps you won’t either when
you find someone new. Because
relationships with bipolars are so
intense. More so then what you would
experience in a normal relationship.
Perhaps that’s the drug that we all
seek. We want that deep love and
intensity but can’t have it without the
bad that accompanies it. It’s like
eating too much chocolate cake, knowing
how much you love it but then knowing if
you don’t stop you are going to get sick
to your stomach. I think that is what it
is like for bipolars when they fall in
love. They just want it all. They want
to feel so good, and then they crash and
push you away and tell you to leave them
alone, they need their space. I know now
I will never love someone as much as I
loved him, and that’s okay, because I
don’t need to. I will never go there
again, because it was so unhealthy and so
deep. I think we all equate love with
great epic stories like romeo and juliet,
samson and delilah, all in which end in
tragedy and that’s how I look at my
relationship with my ex. It was a great
love story and I loved him as deeply as I
could and him vise versa. But that love
almost pushed him over the edge and he
couldn’t deal with it. He told me he
would never let anyone see that deep
inside of him again. So for me, those
are the words I hang onto to validate what
we had, even though I had to let go of the
relationship, I don’t have to let go of
him. He always has a special place in my
heart.
|
bedfor
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 30 Jul 2006 Posts: 16 Location: London
Thanks Posted: 10-31-06 18:02pm
Thanks for the recent postings on this. I
started this thread when I first broke up
with my bi-polar boyfriend. Since then I
went away for three weeks and when I came
back we met up and he was so lovely and
affectionate with me. He has been calling
me at least once a week and asking me to
meet with him. I have, but only a few
times. Each time it was lovely and I felt
he loved me, he was so affectionate. Then
he asked me to spend sunday with him (we
had only been meeting up for dinners etc)
and we had the most lovely day and I felt
so close to him. Later that evening
though he told me he thought we were
friends now. I felt so confused, since
only the week before he had been so
lovely, kissing me and asking to hold me,
and kissing my feet and...I dont
understand. I was really emotional and
upset with him because he was doing
exactly what he was doing before- just
changing all the time. I am not that
experienced with men and dont know if this
bipolar or just he didnt want to be with
me. I told him that maybe it would be
better if we didnt see each other any more
and he said that he doubted if either of
us would be strong enough not to see each
other. I really cant take this any more.
I am tired and exhausted by this and it
makes me feel that I am somehow not good
enough for him. I have tried to
understand him and I dont think he is
doing that for me.
Thanks to others who have posted.
Adnor what you wrote really helped. I
cried when I read what you posted. On a
relative scale my ex has not behaved as
badly as what have many have written. He
has not called me names and been bad to me
in that way, rather he strives to get
close to me and then when we get there
tells me he is not in love with me and
pushes me away. Each time he creates the
situation, not me. It felt today as
though i'd never move on, but adnor what
you wrote helped. My best friend told me
today that when I meet the right person,
it wont be such a struggle. I hope I
do.
Bedfor: your boyfriend is absoultely
right, when you meet the right person it
won't be such a struggle. His pull close
push away attitude is the illness.
Sounds like his he cycling from the manic
stage to the depressed stage. Is he
medicated? Not that medication always
makes the difference, but it can help.
Well after posting so much yesterday I did
something I should have done months ago.
I took my daughter and a couple of friends
trick or treating at my ex’s house. We
live close to the neighborhood and my
daughter has a friend that lives right
down the street from him. As we
approached I could see a car parked in
front of his house that wasn’t his so I
knew immediately there was a woman there.
Sure enough she answered the door. Now
mind you, he is still posted on many
internet dating sites, yet here is this
woman opening his door. I assume they
have been dating for some time if she felt
comfortable enough doing that without him
next to her. He never had any woman
friends that I knew of, so it made me
realize immediately that she probably has
no idea that he is still is chatting with
other women on line while he is dating
her. This is what he did for me the
entire time we were together and engaged.
I wanted to say something to her, but
feared he would come to the door before I
had the opportunity to see him and say
what I wanted to say. I didn’t want to
tip him off that I was there in case he
closed the door in my face. I asked her
if he was home and she sent him to the
door, but never came back herself, which I
thought was odd. He was shocked, so much
so, I don’t think he quite knew what to
say and looked so evil and mean. I told
him my daughter wanted to see him and he
should say “hi” to her and he did so
annoyingly with anger. Here it’s been
17 months and he never had the balls to
tell my daughter goodbye or to say he was
sorry and all he could say was “hi”
with an attitude? I handed him a money
order for $50 in which he had sent back to
me. A payment for a loan he gave my
business. Here after all this time he
blames me for the demise of our
relationship. Bipolars always want to
blame someone for their unhappiness.
What I realized at that very moment was
how dark and evil he had become. This
wasn’t the man I had fallen in love
with. This was anakin skywalker from
revenge of the sith when he was turning
into darth vader. He was no longer there.
He also looked like he had gained at
least 30lbs probably due to a change in
his medication. The girlfriend wasn’t
all that hot either, which of course, made
me happy. Probably a really nice girl,
but she has no idea what she is in store
for. I so wanted to tell her, but ya know
some people have to just figure it out for
themselves. She will know soon enough.
I saw my first red flag a month into it.
He also had been posting on line that he
has been celibate and hadn’t even kissed
a girl since me. Just a big fat liar.
Now I know that when his ex girlfriend
told me he had told her he slept with over
53 women, she wasn’t lying about it.
He told me he had only slept with 13.
He’s crazy. I know bipolar’s don’t
like to be called that, but let’s face
it, if it wasn’t for the medication many
of them would be institutionalized. I
don’t want to be with a crazy person and
there is nothing I can do to help him.
He’s not my burden, not my problem
anymore. Now he can go and make someone
else’s life miserable. Misery is all
he knows. It’s sad, but you know what
after last night I am not even sad for him
anymore. He is filled with so much rage,
anger and hate that it’s affected him
physically. I didn’t even see remnants
of the man I once loved. It was a
defining moment for me, because I know now
I have completely let go. This man
won’t change. His life is pitiful. I
was the 224th woman he had dated. It’s
been almost a year and a half since we
broke up. This new girl is probably
#324. As I told him once before, he
claimed I was “the one” I told him,
no, I was one of many. How truly sad he
will never experience true love. For
those of you above still suffering from
the affects of your bipolar boyfriends or
girlfriends, I promise you it will get
better with time. Once you are in a
healthy relationship and have gone 6
months without the drama you are going to
realize how lucky you are to be out of the
nightmare with your ex. Don’t let them
manipulate you to come back to rescue
them. I have been on many bipolar chat
rooms and sites for over a year now trying
to come to terms with this and what I
realized is that I have yet to meet one
happy couple in which one of them has this
devastating illness.
Also I think those of us that choose to
stay in these types of relationships with
mentally ill people have issues of our own
which include:
insecurity
co-dependency
fear of rejection
fear of abandonment
depression
when we learn to work on ourselves and
make ourselves stronger, it makes it
easier to let go. Life is too short to
devote it to someone that cannot give you
the love you deserve and need.
Just to be fair, I don't want to insult
anyone here that is bipolar, although I
know I already have. I believe my ex in
addition to being bipolar also has
borderline personality disorder and well
as some signs of being a sociopath. I
believe he is a very disturbed individual
and the cruelest person I have ever met.
I think the most important thing for
someone with this disorder to do, is in
addition to getting the medication the
need to stay semi-level headed, they need
intensive psychotherapy which many of them
are afraid of. I would love to hear from
anyone on this board that is bipolar and
is in a healthy successful relationship
longer than a year and how they are
maintaining their illness??
