I don't know if I am posting this in the correct forum or not. Anyway, I am a 55 year old woman, married 35 years. I find myself with a dilemma that seems to be affecting more and more marriages these days, based on research I have done on the net. My husband, the man I love with all my heart, is viewing internet porn. I discovered this quite by accident about a year ago. I confronted him about it, I was angry that it seemed to be a secret he was keeping. He said he was embarrassed, that's about all. He did suggest that I "get some help" with "my" problem with it. He has always found it difficult to discuss any emotional issues. I hate to admit it, but he is a bit of a coward when it comes to anything emotional between us. So rather than keep harping about it, I wrote all about how it made me feel in my journal over a period of several months. Then I suggested that he read my journal when he was on a business trip and maybe he could understand how I felt. When he came back from his trip he said he was so sorry for what he had done and now understood how awful it had made me feel. I felt relief, problem solved. But during the same trip, I used the net to do research on this and found that very rarely does the porn watcher stop just because the mate requests it. "what she doesn't know can't hurt her." sort of thinking. I put monitoring software on the computer and "surprise" he didn't even slow down. I have been monitoring ever since; he doesn't know. I told myself that I would only work with the info I found to try and re-establish the intimacy between us. But folks, there is no way this menopausal body can compete with what he sees on the computer screen. I feel like every time we make love, he is imagining the images he has viewed on the computer. I'm scared and watchful for any signs that the porn images will soon stop being enough to arouse him and he will go farther and farther into what the internet has to offer, and I am finding out that it offers unlimited avenues. He has progressed from the hardcore porn movies with porn stars to amateur pictures and film clips and to webcams. So far he hasn't joined any of the sites, that I can tell anyway, just looked at what they use to lure a person in. When I found out, I told him that if he wanted to watch porn or thought that it would enhance our relationship then we could view it together, I was open to that, and he agreed, but he isn't interested at all in viewing it with me. My confidence in the sexual side of myself is being destroyed. Any suggestions? Thank you in advance for any advice.
I kinda know how you feel.I am only 21 and my boyfriend is 27.He went to a nude beach w/o telling me(he saod he was going to the beach,just didn't mention it was nude).He finally brought it up and told me and I was like "am I not enough for you to look at?".Sometimes I feel sexually insecure about myself with him cause I don't feel like i'm doing anything right. . .All I can say is tell him what your doing and that he needs to stop lying to you about it.Ask him why he feels the need to look at it all the time and why if he is so sorry,he keeops doing it.If he doesn't stop,i don't know what to tell you.Either let it go or if it bothers you that much separate for a bit and see how he feels being left alone with only porn and no wife to go to. Hope I helped a little at least
i really wouldnt let this get to you let alone ruin your reationship. Your husband evidentaly loves you a 35 yr marrige is proof of that and please do not let it destroy your self confidence. Ok so he likes to lok at pretty young things with fake hair, fake tan, fake nails and fake boobs having sex with young steroid riddled men, its purely superficial. And I very much doubt hes think of them whilst with you.
Its proven that men get turned on by "visual aids" whilst women get turned on by more mental things such as fantasising. Can you honestly say you've never had a quick daydream about david beckham or brad pitt giving you a massage. I know I have!!! And it doesnt mean I love my partner any less nor do I ever wish I wasnt making love to him.
The fact he was trying to hide it from you means he was try to protect you. He loves you and your journal probably showed him how much you were hurting which upset him greatly.
The spywear you have on your computer is a breach of trust and if he found out could ultimately wreck your marriage. Trust is the basis of a good relationship, which you obviously had. Please dont throw that all away.
My partner looks at pornography yet I know he is devoted to me and that is just something to 'relax' to. Please dont let it get to you. If u ever want to talk, im here. Good luck
Thank you both for the replies. In my original message I neglected to mention that I had asked him if he would accept monitoring software on the computer. His response was that he was willing to do anything to make me feel more secure. I don't have a problem with porn itself, I have watched some of it with him and it can be exciting for me, but he doesn't seem to enjoy it when watching it together. Notice that I wrote that I never intended the monitoring to be a threat to him, only a learning tool for me to see if I couldn't re-establish the intimacy between us. My fear is the progression that seems to be happening as time goes on. It's like where once the image of a female in a bra could be very arousing, then you view the image without the bra, and so the image with the bra can't bring the same level of arousal. My fear is that he is becoming numb to the usual porn images and is seeking out newer different areas, i.E. The amateur and webcam sites he has looked at. These aren't fake anything, they are just people like us. I will say that my trying so hard to bring back our intimacy has brought a new life to our bedroom and he seems to be thrilled at the efforts I am making. I am compiling as much data as I can, including what the monitoring software is showing me. I have researched how a husbands need for secrecy and porn can affect the wife's self image, and I intend to go over it all with him (in no threatening manner what so ever) in the near future. Believe me, I love this man, and that won't stop. I know he is truly sorry for the hurt this has caused me, but I don't think he realizes the dangers ahead as he goes down this road. Again, thank you for the responses. Buzzy, you spoke of trust issues, yes you are right it is a trust issue, but after he read my journals and was so sorry for hurting me so badly, I think that his going back to it involves a trust issue too. I just want us to live the life we planned together, it's a good life, and he is still the man that makes my heart trip when he walks into a room. I don't want that to end ever and believe me, I am trying as hard as I can to be the woman who he said always gave "rise" to his attitude when I walked into a room. :wink:
I am married too and sometimes you have to overlook things..My husband looks at the porn sites too..I asked him what is it about this female is so facinating..So I went to the lingerie store about bought different nities and fancy underware they were wearing along with the high heels and put on a show of my own..And he took pictures with the video camera and know he has he own collection of his wife...It was more fun that I thought it would..