Bipolar Disorder Forum - Is Mom Enabling Behavior

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Q: Is Mom Enabling Behavior

asked by: momw on January 15th, 2004

New User

I am the mother of a 21 year old man who was just diagnosed as bipolar
he is in great financial trouble already and I am concerned that this is worsening his feelings. I want to help pay for him to apply for bankruptcy but his father believes that this will just be an out for him and he will not learn responsibility and should have to come up with the money on his own. My son is in his second year of college that he was suppose to help pay for but does not have a job so I pay, I pay for his auto ins. But refuse to pay for his credit card debt. Yesterday he told me if he could just have enough money to buy some instruments to start a new band he would be on the right track. I want to help him with this because I want him to be happy but inside I believe if I purchase these it will just be something else he needs tommorow. At he same time I am afraid if I do not help he may hurt himself. I need to know others opinions on this?

Replies(4)

purple333

replied on January 17th, 2004

Extremely eHealthy

What makes you think he'll hurt hmself?? Will you still be paying for what he wants (note wants not needs!!) when he's 41?? What happens when you're not around or are unable to help him, better he learn to stand on his own 2 feet now with some support than suddenly later with no support.

Jami

replied on January 26th, 2004

New User

Bi Polar

To the enabling mother:

i totally understand how you feel however, I wasted 4 years helping my daughter out and thinking that each time was the last time. Each and every time I helped her I thought that I was putting her on an even playing field. Once there, she would be able to get control of her life and start with a clean slate.

It wasn't until a year into my own therapy that I realized it was never going to end. Part of me already knew that I was doing the wrong thing by continuing to help her out but, like you, I was afraid that she would end her life because she was so depressed.

It has been about 6 months since I last bailed my daughter out. Guess what, she's still living. Not a good life (the cops were looking for her last week) but I am no longer stressing and trying to fix it for her. I have more peace of mind.

pdeen

replied on January 26th, 2004

Anonymous

Help

I help my brother out alot.He deals with depression has been in and out of trouble.Iam scared to death I will get the call he's died.I have taken on the role as his mother as my parents were not parents.

I would never say al these years I have helped him would of been a waste
never
he is still alive and iam glad he has someone to turn to.
I donot think I anable him but iam here always.
My parents to this day have never helped us or cared about what
was going on in our lives
i will not let him down.
Helping your child or sibling should not be wrong or a waste.
I could never turn my back on him or my kids
but I suppose it is becuse of not having support growing up.

It does take a strong person to help.The person still has to deal with their
actions.

reallifeadvice

replied on October 27th, 2009

New User

Enabling

Well pdeen, read purple333's reply. What will happen to your brother if you can't help him for what ever reason (your gone or your credit is at it's limit etc.). An ocassional helping hand is one thing but if the help is ongoing or a hand-out you are doing you both a dis-service. Learn from Oprah's hand-out of $50,000.00 to poor families.......they blew the money and were broke again very quickly. Got the picture. Maybe your brother could join the Army or something else where they will force him to grow up.

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