Troubled and Abusive Relationships Forum - Partner Wont Get On With Family

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Q: Partner Wont Get On With Family

asked by: saj27 on June 12th, 2006

New User

Hi,

i have a great boyfriend who is soon to become my fiance the only problem being he doesnt like my sisters and brother in law whom im very close with.

He says when im married I wont have much to do with them as il have my own family to worry about. This worries me as im very close with my two sisters and I dont want to have to choose.

I know il be very happy with my boyfriend but I dont want to be unhappy thinking I cant talk about my sisters or hang out with them because my boyfriend says he wont be pally pally with them just hi and bye as he cant see himself mingling with them.

This is becuause they dident like him at first and thought he was a bit controlling (but he was just looking out for me) and he hates my brother in law coz he thinks he's too it and he doesnt like my sisters because they smoke and go out and he thinks thats bad and doesnt want to assoicate with them kind of people.

I dont know what to do becuase I love my family very much and have always dreamed of all us and our husbands getting on and going out together and visiting each others houses but my boyfriend doesnt want to get involved and dosent want me to be that involved too.

I dont know whether I should break up with him coz of this or just go ahead and marry him as I love him but try to change his mind, although my family have all apologiesd to him but he still doesnt care and wont make an effort and when I tell him we just end up arguing.

He says he justs wants it to be me and him and no baggage (i.E my family) but I want to be happy knowing everyone likes each other and not hate each other as il be left out and may end up resenting my boyfriend for keeping me away from my sisters.

Please advise me on what I should do!! I've tried talking to him but he's so stubborn he just wont listen. He says my family have hurt him becuase they judged him without knowing him and he cant over that.

Replies(9)

Sarah020406

replied on June 12th, 2006

Experienced User

There is guaranteed to be someone in every family that doesn't get along, it only natural. But your boyfriend (please don't take offence, and correct me if im wrong) does sound a little controlling by wanting you all to him self. Does he get along with any members of your family?? And what about your friends??. Don't give up your family for a man, family are there forever, men can come and go.
Maybe you need to tell him straight out that you wont marry him unless he makes a effort to get along with your family, it sounds like they have and now its his turn.

saj27

replied on June 13th, 2006

New User

Partner Wont Get On With Family 2

But he says that what they've done has hurt him and he cant forgive them!! How can I make him change his mind??

Maybe it was my fault as when I first started going out with him he had a problem with my lifestyle and that bothered my family as they dident want me to change because someone told me too. Although I dident mind as what he was saying was true due to our religion but thats why they dident like him, now he wont budge and keeps saying 'they said bad things about me, I dont want anything to do with them.'

i even got my twin sister to come out with him one day we went to play badminton and the atmosphere was horrible, yes they talked but instead of making a real effort to be nice he was just being loud and stupid!

Then when I asked him why was he doing that-he said to me 'dont say that iv made an effort, I did that for you'.

Dont get me wrong he is a wonderful guy-but he's only happy when things are his way. The people that he likes he treats them so well and the people he doesnt like he doesnt bother.

I just wish all the past things could be erased and we could start over, but he'll always remember and make things hostile between everyone.

I just dont know what else to do or say. And no he doesnt get on with anyone from my family at all.

Sarah020406

replied on June 13th, 2006

Experienced User

I think you have to decide who is more important - this guy or your family. It sounds like he is trying to isolate you and keep you from your family. Has he even been voilent towards you at all? Does or did he get along with any of your friends?
If he wont make any effort then maybe you need to call it quits and get out of it or give him the choice to either make the effort with your family and get over himself or you are leaving, this may make him realise what he is standing to lose.

saj27

replied on June 14th, 2006

New User

That's the problem! What if he says 'fine then you leave!' I just dont know what else to do. All I know is that my family are very important and I shouldnt have to sacrifice them for one guy.

I will speak to him again and see what he says. :-((

Sarah020406

replied on June 14th, 2006

Experienced User

If he does say that and your family are too important to you then maybe thats all thats left too do. You have to make compromises in a relationship and if he isn't prepared too you have to ask yourself - is he really worth it.
If u do talk to him let me know how it goes and good luck!

morgan66

replied on June 15th, 2006

New User

Being able to get along with your partners family is a huge part of being in a relationship. I think that this is something that you need to work out before you can consider marrying him.

If he does not like your family and they have gotten over things and are willing to accept him then if he wants to marry you he should at least be willing to meet you half way on this.
It sounds as if your family is very important to you and that you want to have them as an active part of your life.

It does disturb me that your family had issues with him because they felt he was too controlling toward you. I have this situation many times where family and friends would tell a loved one that their signfiicant other was too controlling and they stayed with the person and eventually it just led to more control in other areas of their lives.

You should not have to be in a position to choose between him and your family. Someone who is in love with you and wants the best for you would not ask that of you. If there was something that your family did to him that was really bad that he could not get over it may be a different story....
But from what you said in your first post that he does not like your sisters because they smoke or that he can't get over the things that they said or thought of him even after they apologized it makes me think that once you are married he is going to find fault with whoever is in your life.

I have seen that many times.

If he does say fine then just leave look at is as your are saving yourself a lot of heartache and quite possibly a life of abuse.

Paul36

replied on August 10th, 2006

New User

Bloods thicker than water

Jaleigh

replied on August 11th, 2006

New User

He sounds pretty childish to me. Family is very important and noone should ever try to keep you away from any of them. Especially if it's something that you don't want to do. I think the best thing you could do for yourself is to break it off w/ this guy and find someone who cares about what you want and not just what he wants all the time. I would almost bet everything I own on the fact that if you marry this guy, it's only going to get worst. He is going to be very controlling of you and you're not going to be very happy in a marriage like that. I've seen relationships like this end up this way more times than I can count. It's true. He needs to realize that it's not all about him all the time. I think you need to get out of this relationship fast. I don't see anything good coming out of a relationship w/ a man that already treats you this way and you're not even married yet. It's pretty scary to think about.

BlinkyBill

replied on October 4th, 2006

Experienced User

What's that saying?

You can pick your friends but not your family!

Actually I don't get along with my in-laws, but I don't stop my husband seeing his family I just don't go with him when he visits them! Maybe he should so the same!

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