well, i've seen a couple of stories on here about men who lost their wives because they didn't treat her right. I shook my head when I realized that these men were dumped for the same things my husband does to me!
We are newly weds, we lived together for 2 years before we got married. I make money from home, online. I cook, do the grocery shopping, keep the house clean, do all the laundry..... Hubby manages a resturaunt. He works 12 hours a day (11am-11pm). I don't complain because I realize that it is necessary. All I ask is that when he comes home, we enjoy quality time together.
However, the second he comes home, he runs streight upstairs to our neighbor's house to play poker and have a beer or two. He will stay up there from 11pm to 2am, then come home, eat dinner real quick and go streight to bed. If he comes home any earlier than 2am, he spends the rest of his time glued incoherantly to the computer, playing online poker, and then goes streight to bed.
The only time he pays me any attention is after we fight or when I pack up a few of my belongings and start heading for the door, to go to my mother's house. All of a sudden, I get all his attention, he loves me so much and I am soooooooo important to him. But when I put my stuff back, he goes right back to his usual self again.
He has a hard time focusing on just me. Even when we are out to a (caugh, caugh) "romantic" dinner, just the two of us, he just talks on his cell phone to his friends the whole time, or chews a waiter's ear off all night. If we go for a walk together by the shore on 1st street, he can't hold my hand and anjoy the view--- he walks ten feet ahead of me, frantically looking for a bar that he can run into and drink beer, play pool and poker.
At home, if I try to talk to him, he just says "hang on, let me finish this poker hand" or "hang on, let me finish watching this show."
and see, i'm the educated type. I don't drink, don't smoke, don't do drugs, etc. I've had 3 years of college, i'm into psychology (i want to be a counselor), i'm into the arts (singing, piano, dance, music of the 60's-80's, ceramics)--- so you can imagine how being limited to poker, bars and an incoherant male is driving me insane!
So why am I with him? Well, because his good side is unlike any other guy I have met!!
He doesn't cheat on me, he helps anyone who is in trouble, he's an excellent business man (i'm telling you, he's got a real knack and a ton of potential), he's really sensitive--like if you tell him a sad story, or put him on a guilt trip, he will actually break down crying!! He doesn't believe in divorce at all......I mean, in some areas, he's just so old-fashioned in good ways!
He brings home roses for me every now and then on his days off. He has workers from the resturaunt he manages deliver some food to the house for me, **every day**. He calls me from work every hour, to say he misses me and to ask what/how i'm doing. He cried during our wedding vows.
Every time we have a fight, we spend a good hour or so hugging and kissing each other. Then he admits that he is neglecting me, tells me I am a wonderful wife/person, that he's terrified of loosing me and I do deserve better treatment.....However, I don't think we should have to have an exausting, anger-filled fight in order to be that way with each other!!!
Sex, however......We're sorta struggling with that. He kinda rushes through it. Like he just gets overly excited and eager, and can't focus on learning what my needs are in that area. It's over pretty quickly. I think he just does it to release stress really fast and then go to sleep. When I try to slow him down and teach him, he gets really impatient and frustrated.
Is there any way I can make our good times last longer/more frequent? Improve our sexual experience? Is there any way I can get him to choose me over his buddies and poker more often? I really feel that the good parts of our marrieage are deffinitely worth saving.
Hi mellissa I kind of know where you are coming from but my boyfriend of 3 years, is into his hobby (building remote control airplanes and helicopters) I see it as his way of getting his mind off of the stressful things that are going on around him.
Does your husband ever talk to you about what is going on at work? Could he possibly be stressed about something at work and he uses his buddies and poker to relieve stress?
With my ex-husband I did the stay at home thing with my two boys while he worked 10-12 hours a day and he would have the one night a week out with the buddies drinking night but to make along story short it had turned into 2 nights a week, 3 and so on and so forth till it caused the problems in our marriage.
Your husband sounds like he does a lot of nice things for you. Have you thought about what you are doing for him while he is at work, in the morning before he leaves, or when he gets home? The littlest things that ones does for the other are noticed when done often not far and in between because we tend to forget.
I like to leave post-it notes in different places where he is most often that say how much I love him, how much he means to me and so on. Another thing is to spontaneous (easier if you don't have kids and if you do a reliable babysitter) leave a hotel key for him at the restraunnt, have the house romantically setup do you get my driff?
Sometimes to get what you want you just have to reach out and take it instead of waiting for it because I know from my own expierience is to just be forceful and so no you are not playing poker tonight you are staying at home to pleassure me!!!!!
As for the sex thing I would have to say before even starting tell him that you are in control that your going to play a little bit of "teacher and student" that there is more to the pleassure if both can enjoy.
Be open and honest about everything and anything because your going to learn new things about eachother everyday if you just communicate.Here is one of my favorite quote and it is true if you are truly in love with your husband.
"love is everything it's cracked up to beâ¦it really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. "
written by erica jong,
yeah, he does have a lot of stress at work. Other areas too!
He suffers from anxiety and depression. He feels alot of guilt over his father. See, he's from another country. His family is till over seas. His father was never there for him. Poor hubby spent his entire life chasing after his dad for some attention and bonding and never recieved it. His dad was always gone and cold as ice even when he was home. But he loved his dad anyway, you know? I guess hubby felt like he could gain his father's love/respect by some day supporting him. So right before hubby came to the us, he told his dad "i'm going to go to america, and I promis, i'm gonna work hard and take care of everything for you." well, 2 years after he got here, hubby was struggling to make it financially and his dad died of a heart attack.
Now, he's trying to keep that promise to his mom, and even she is in and out of the hospital with cancer right now. He sends her money and pays for all her treatment.
I believe stress has alot to do with what is going on. He is using his friends as a get away instead of relying on you. Which is ok we all have a way of relieving stress either shopping, eating, drinking, drugs, cleaning ect......
Maybe it would be helpful to find something that you two could do together that will get his mind off the stress. Bowling, camping, a date night to the movies, movies at home just slowly try to introduce new things into your relationship that you can enjoy together maybe even join him to play poker with the guys.
Bring back taht relationship that you once had. If you don't mind me asking what was your courting like in the beginning?
Love is a wonderous thing!!! You have your ups and your downs the trick is is to keep standing firm with every up and down because though he may not show it he needs you just as much as you need him!!! Hope I have been of some help. Heather