Goneness

Gone

Nah that was really unhelpful. I can appreciate how it must look to someone from the outside but that's really not the way it is. He's very shy and was a virgin until a couple of months back when he finally managed to overcome the anxiety-related erection dysfunction he's suffered for years and years, which more or less totally destroyed all hope he ever had of having sex. This isn't a guy who sleeps around and uses women as toys, this is someone who has pretty much considered himself sexually useless ever since he can remember. To get as far as we have is a massive step for him in the first place. Maybe I should have posted this on the men's forum.

The question wasn't "how useless do you think my boyfriend is?", the question was "how can I get him to change his attitudes?" the thing is, when you've masturbated since early teens and that's become your only experience of sex, and your body has got used to responding to that feeling, how do you go about changing it when you're with someone? Like for example, I like to have sex slower than he does, but he can't get his body to respond to it, cso it's so different to the feeling he's used to.

Well if you had said that in the first place hun, I would have understood, I never said that he was useless did i...Obviously you didnt read it properly. This is an opinion forum so if u dont like my advice dont take it....Now I know that he was a virgin until not that long ago that changes everything, the clearer you make yourself, the better it doesn matter if its a paragraph long or a 50 page story, I stil took the time to read it. But anyway, you obviously understand how it is for him. So your problem in the first place, sit down with him and confront him. He will understand. He is new remember so you have to tell him and let him know. And I realised he sounds like a joker so I dont think he meant it badly.
Now is that better advice for you hunni?

You just have to show him.Thats all I have to say after reading all you wrote.You need to show him how sex with you is

Thanks...

I guess what it comes down to, in my opinion, is a case of him learning to relax enough to "let go", so to speak. He thinks too hard about what i'm thinking and gets paranoid. And I don't even quite understand some of this paranoia of his, but i'm just hoping it'll sort itself out in time the more we get to explore each other sexually

hun,i'm the same way as your man is! I think about every little thing and sometimes dwell on it.He has to teach himself not to be that way.Have you asked him why he thinks so far into things?

Yeah ... We've talked about this so much. It's a hell of a lot easier to get him to open up about things these days, we're really close.


He's a smart guy but he's a general worrier, gets paranoid about stuff, he can't help it. He lost his virginity so late (24) he's had issues for years about sex, it's built up in his head and it's just become this massive deal for him. So maybe it is just a case of practice makes perfect and he needs to get more experience and more sex sessions in so that it feels like a normal part of life rather than this scary deal about performance. It's mostly mental. But sometimes I wonder if there might be physical issues too.

For example, we were having a sex session a few weeks back and we'd been at it about fifteen minutes and he didn't seem close to orgasm, I asked him was he ok, and he said something like "yeah, sorry, it's just sometimes when we go for a long time I cant feel anything anymore", and my first reaction was what an insult! I've only had one partner before and I pretty much gave him a heart attack every time lol. And here he was telling me he couldnt feel it. I felt like he was suggesting i'm loose or something, which isnt the case. I think he must have wanked so much when he was younger it's desensitised him? Do you think this is possible?

He's reached orgasm with me several times - he's capable of it - it's just he seems to rely on fast and frantic sex to make him come. Which puzzles me...........

I know this is going to sound weird, but have you tried little tricks in bed? For example I will talk dirty to my husband. When we were dating he had the same sort of issues. And he almost never came. I felt awful because I thought it was my fault. I started to get inventive and a bit kinky to take his mind off of performing.

It's a masculine thing that he needs to get over... And it will take time.

i see what you mean... Like, say or do a little thing that will distract him from performance and make it more lighthearted? That's a really good idea actually. Cool!

Yes talk dirty to him , tell him how you want it and how it makes you feel , get down and dirty with it , men like to hear this sort of stuff.