I'm in a complicated situation that I haven't been able to talk to anyone about. I feel good physically but when I see myself in pictures I don't like how skinny I look. I've also been told by others that I need to put on weight because i'm too skinny and I don't look healthy. I was watching a movie one day and I pointed out a dancer in the movie that I thought was just way too skinny and needed to gain weight and I was actually told my my husband that I was skinnier than that dancer. I about freaked out because I didn't see it. I'm 5'7" and weigh about 121 (plus or minus a pound). I originally got this skinny through an eating disorder but i've managed to stay this skinny for more than two years through the use of the medications wellbutrin and topamax because i'm also bipolar. I'm afraid of going off of the meds because I remember the rollercoaster ride I was on with my mood swings before I was put on the meds. I would like to be able to put on just enough weight (maybe get up to around 130 pounds) just so my face doesn't look so drawn in and my legs and arms don't look so skinny but i'm also scared to gain because i'm afraid once I start gaining weight i'll keep on gaining. I'm afraid of switching to a new drug for my bipolar disorder because the ones i'm currently on work and I don't want to start experimenting with new ones. I also don't want to be put on one that has a side affect of weight gain that will cause me to gain a lot of weight. If that happened, the eating disorder might hit me again at full force and i'm not prepared to go through that nightmare again. I like the fact the meds i'm on helps me maintain around the same weight (i just have to watch it so I don't fall underweight) and it keeps the eating disorder under control where I know in my mind I can't afford to throw up what I eat and I can't afford to starve myself so I don't do those things. But the only thing frustrating is it's hard to put on pounds. I can pig out on all sorts of things with high calories and put on maybe a pound or two (and feeling sick to my stomach in the process) but then I lose that weight within a day by not even trying. I get tired of people who are trying to lose weight telling me they wish they were in my shoes. They think I just have a high metabolism and can just eat whatever I want and never have to worry about gaining weight. They never knew me when I was overweight. I finally told them i'm on topamax for migraine headaches (which is also partially true of that medication) and I told them the drug has a side affect of weight loss and that is what keeps my weight down. They don't bug me as much since I told them that but they still bug me. Only a couple real close friends know i'm bipolar and know why i'm really on that medicine.

Another thing I fear is what others might start saying if I start gaining weight. While some people have said I need to put on weight, more (mostly women) have said they wished they were as skinny as I was. Part of my bipolar disorder is I also get paranoid and think people talk about me. I don't want to feel like people are going to start looking at me, notice a weight gain, and start talking about me negatively. That feeling, alone, tends to shoot me into depression. I just feel so stuck.