I am so tired of this. Eveyday I wake up
and think of what I ate the day before and
that decides if my day will be a good one
or not and this week I have eaten alot
which means I have had a bad week. I hate
when I binge because it really angers me
off, I wish that I didn't eat at all, all
of the time. Tonight I am awake and it is
late and I don't want to go to sleep
because in the morning I will wake up and
I will know that yesterday I ate and I
will feel like hell.
I have been living like this for years now
and I don't know what to do anymore. I
took an overdoes last weekend and I
thought I was going to die but I didn't
and I don't know if I should take another
one or should I leave it but whats the
point in leaving it when everyday is the
same, when everday I will in hopelessness.
I feel so lonely all of the time and
although I know there are people that can
help me I just don't know how they can
because they have not so far but I suppose
I am the one who has not helped me.
What do you do when you know there is only
one way and that is to recover but that is
the one thing you don't want to do. I
have been in therapy for over 2 years now
and its just gotten me nowhere. I know
that I have become more aware about eating
disorders and why we have them and all the
harm they can do and how they take over
your life but still I don't want to
change, I am too afraid too.
I have exams coming up next week and they
are so important, they decide if I get
into college or not and if I can get a
career. I have not studied for them at
all and I feel like I have failed not only
as a person but in life and I hate it, it
is so scary. I wish I could just end it
all and make it all go away. I am so
afraid of what is going to happen and what
I am going to become.
I don't know if I am going to ever want to
get better and that scares me because if I
don't get better then I will always be
living like this. The thing is I wouldn't
mind if I was thin but i'm not and that is
the problem. If I was thin then
everything would be ok and I wouldn't wake
up in the morning and hate that I have to
go outside where people will see me and
judge me because I am fat.
I don't know anymore, I really don't and
regardless of what people say to me I just
can't help but feel like there is no hope
for me. I am stuck and have been for
years and I am just too scared to let go
of my eating disorder. This is all I have
known for so long and I can't imagine what
it would be like to live without it.
I haven't gotten sick in two months but I
did tonight and I hate that because I
don't want to start all that again, I much
prefare when I don't eat and I was doing
pretty well with that over the past 2
months. I do not want to be getting sick
because that makes me feel even worse. I
feel like I am a failed anorexic when I
get sick.
I hate going to sleep because I know in
the morning I will wake up and I will be
even fatter and then I have to go outside
and I just can't face the world looking
the way I do.
No one seems to understand how hard it is
to live like this yet I refuse to change
it so maybe I don't complelty understand
or something.
I know so many people are living with this
everyday and are finding it so hard but
when you are at home and there is no one
there to talk to and you are so lonely it
feels like you are the only one in the
world.
Pain is so annoying, being in pain,
suffering like we do is so lonely and sad
that you feel like there is nothing out
there, nothing to make you happy or to
motivate you to want to get better. I
can't find anything that would make me
want to change. I have no interest in
anything any more because I am consumed
with being thin and trying to be thin.
I want to get a job this summer and
hopefully that will keep me busy enough
and then I will walk places and that
should help too. Its so hard to get a job
though because then if I binge I don't
want to go outside and then I call in sick
to work and eventually they get tired of
it and fire me. Its a vicious circle that
will never end but hopefully if I can be
strong enough I will be able to keep to my
plan of eating something small once a day
and then I can go outside and everything
will be ok.
I know I am writing alot its just I have
no one else to talk to and it is in the
middle of the night so everyone is asleep
and I am on my own.
I'm sorry if anyone read this because it
doesn't really mean anything, its just me
rambling on. I am sorry.
I hope you are all well and taking care of
yourselves.
Take care
xxxx
|
v00d00cita
Advanced Support Team
Joined: 04 Mar 2006 Posts: 725
Thanks: 0
Thanked:4
Re: Just Lonely Posted: 05-30-06 06:17am
brokenbutterfly
wrote:
i am so tired of this.
Everyday I wake up and think of what I ate
the day before and that decides if my day
will be a good one or not and this week I
have eaten alot which means I have had a
bad week.
(...) I have been living like this for
years now and I don't know what to do
anymore. I took an overdoes last weekend
and I thought I was going to die but I
didn't and I don't know if I should take
another one or should I leave it but whats
the point in leaving it when everyday is
the same, when everday I will in
hopelessness. I feel so lonely all of
the time and although I know there are
people that can help me I just don't know
how they can because they have not so far
but I suppose I am the one who has not
helped me.
i know what it feels like,
brokenbutterfly, but I also can assure you
that there is a way out of it. You deserv
to be ok, not to die! Don't do that
again, there are so many people who care
for you and who love you deeply. Think of
them and try to imagine how you would feel
if it was the inverse situation.
brokenbutterfly
wrote:
i have been in therapy for
over 2 years now and its just gotten me
nowhere. I know that I have become more
aware about eating disorders and why we
have them and all the harm they can do and
how they take over your life but still I
don't want to change, I am too afraid too.
I have exams coming up next week and they
are so important, they decide if I get
into college or not and if I can get a
career. I have not studied for them at
all and I feel like I have failed not only
as a person but in life and I hate it, it
is so scary.
brokenbutterfly
wrote:
if I was thin then
everything would be ok and I wouldn't wake
up in the morning and hate that I have to
go outside where people will see me and
judge me because I am fat. (...) no one
seems to understand how hard it is to live
like this yet I refuse to change it so
maybe I don't complelty understand or
something.
it's wrong to think like that, because
being fat or thin won't make you more
capable of doing things or a better
professional or student, you know.
It's so very important so surround
yourself with people who understand you,
not only here, but also friends and
family. I know that it's common that
people don't understand you and even blame
and criticize you, but it's worth
trying.
brokenbutterfly
wrote:
I want to get a job this
summer and hopefully that will keep me
busy enough and then I will walk places
and that should help too. Its so hard to
get a job though because then if I binge I
don't want to go outside and then I call
in sick to work and eventually they get
tired of it and fire me.
think of the positive part of getting a
job. Besides of earning your own money,
you keep yourself occupied and maybe it
can also work as way of selfcontrol about
your ed. If you are occupied and really
concentrated working, you are not thinking
about those nasty things, ok?
Write back and gimme news, please. I'm
here for you, at anytime.
|
trying2impress
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 Jun 2006 Posts: 28 Location: Australia
Posted: 06-18-06 01:34am
Wow, that was alot of reading to get
through. You have alot of hurt deep
inside of yourself. I am going through
some hard things atm in my life and I know
how quickly things can fall apart right in
front of you. I think the most important
thing you can do for youself is to find
atleast one person to talk to. Just one.
Let them know how you are feeling. When I
went through bulemia I didnt tell anyone
for a year, I think they all knew by the
end of the year anyway but I went through
alot of hard time, I was suicidal and not
coping at all. I felt as though the whole
world suddenyl didnt make sense, it was a
cold dark place and I didnt belong. Im
still going through my eating disorder now
and I havent had my period for over 2
years but im getting there with help. I
realise now that there always was people
to help me, I just didnt want it then.
When you are ready for help, there will
always be someone there.
Goodluck,
godbless
|
v00d00cita
Advanced Support Team
Joined: 04 Mar 2006 Posts: 725
Thanks: 0
Thanked:4
Posted: 06-18-06 09:11am
trying2impress
wrote:
i think the most important
thing you can do for youself is to find
atleast one person to talk to. Just one.
Let them know how you are feeling.
i completelly agree. I can guess how it
feels like, because i'm also recevering
and telling one people can really help you
move on and get healthy again.
Get better
|
mxgurlie101
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 17 Dec 2005 Posts: 92 Location: maryland
Posted: 06-18-06 21:10pm
I understand exactly how you feel because
im living on my own too which is really
hard being14 but what the heck. I feel
the same as you sometimes just wanting it
all to end. You need some help and
someone to talk to as many of us need to
do. I hope you feel better and like
v00d00cita says things will get better
just hold on. If you need to talk were
here :)
