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Q: Just Lonely

asked by: BrokenButterfly on May 28th, 2006

New User

I am so tired of this. Eveyday I wake up and think of what I ate the day before and that decides if my day will be a good one or not and this week I have eaten alot which means I have had a bad week. I hate when I binge because it really angers me off, I wish that I didn't eat at all, all of the time. Tonight I am awake and it is late and I don't want to go to sleep because in the morning I will wake up and I will know that yesterday I ate and I will feel like hell.
I have been living like this for years now and I don't know what to do anymore. I took an overdoes last weekend and I thought I was going to die but I didn't and I don't know if I should take another one or should I leave it but whats the point in leaving it when everyday is the same, when everday I will in hopelessness. I feel so lonely all of the time and although I know there are people that can help me I just don't know how they can because they have not so far but I suppose I am the one who has not helped me.
What do you do when you know there is only one way and that is to recover but that is the one thing you don't want to do. I have been in therapy for over 2 years now and its just gotten me nowhere. I know that I have become more aware about eating disorders and why we have them and all the harm they can do and how they take over your life but still I don't want to change, I am too afraid too.
I have exams coming up next week and they are so important, they decide if I get into college or not and if I can get a career. I have not studied for them at all and I feel like I have failed not only as a person but in life and I hate it, it is so scary. I wish I could just end it all and make it all go away. I am so afraid of what is going to happen and what I am going to become.
I don't know if I am going to ever want to get better and that scares me because if I don't get better then I will always be living like this. The thing is I wouldn't mind if I was thin but i'm not and that is the problem. If I was thin then everything would be ok and I wouldn't wake up in the morning and hate that I have to go outside where people will see me and judge me because I am fat.
I don't know anymore, I really don't and regardless of what people say to me I just can't help but feel like there is no hope for me. I am stuck and have been for years and I am just too scared to let go of my eating disorder. This is all I have known for so long and I can't imagine what it would be like to live without it.
I haven't gotten sick in two months but I did tonight and I hate that because I don't want to start all that again, I much prefare when I don't eat and I was doing pretty well with that over the past 2 months. I do not want to be getting sick because that makes me feel even worse. I feel like I am a failed anorexic when I get sick.
I hate going to sleep because I know in the morning I will wake up and I will be even fatter and then I have to go outside and I just can't face the world looking the way I do.
No one seems to understand how hard it is to live like this yet I refuse to change it so maybe I don't complelty understand or something.
I know so many people are living with this everyday and are finding it so hard but when you are at home and there is no one there to talk to and you are so lonely it feels like you are the only one in the world.
Pain is so annoying, being in pain, suffering like we do is so lonely and sad that you feel like there is nothing out there, nothing to make you happy or to motivate you to want to get better. I can't find anything that would make me want to change. I have no interest in anything any more because I am consumed with being thin and trying to be thin.
I want to get a job this summer and hopefully that will keep me busy enough and then I will walk places and that should help too. Its so hard to get a job though because then if I binge I don't want to go outside and then I call in sick to work and eventually they get tired of it and fire me. Its a vicious circle that will never end but hopefully if I can be strong enough I will be able to keep to my plan of eating something small once a day and then I can go outside and everything will be ok.
I know I am writing alot its just I have no one else to talk to and it is in the middle of the night so everyone is asleep and I am on my own.
I'm sorry if anyone read this because it doesn't really mean anything, its just me rambling on. I am sorry.
I hope you are all well and taking care of yourselves.

Take care
xxxx

Replies(4)

v00d00cita

replied on May 30th, 2006

Active User, very eHealthy

Re: Just Lonely

brokenbutterfly wrote:

i am so tired of this. Everyday I wake up and think of what I ate the day before and that decides if my day will be a good one or not and this week I have eaten alot which means I have had a bad week.
(...) I have been living like this for years now and I don't know what to do anymore. I took an overdoes last weekend and I thought I was going to die but I didn't and I don't know if I should take another one or should I leave it but whats the point in leaving it when everyday is the same, when everday I will in hopelessness. I feel so lonely all of the time and although I know there are people that can help me I just don't know how they can because they have not so far but I suppose I am the one who has not helped me.

i know what it feels like, brokenbutterfly, but I also can assure you that there is a way out of it. You deserv to be ok, not to die! Don't do that again, there are so many people who care for you and who love you deeply. Think of them and try to imagine how you would feel if it was the inverse situation.

brokenbutterfly wrote:

i have been in therapy for over 2 years now and its just gotten me nowhere. I know that I have become more aware about eating disorders and why we have them and all the harm they can do and how they take over your life but still I don't want to change, I am too afraid too.
I have exams coming up next week and they are so important, they decide if I get into college or not and if I can get a career. I have not studied for them at all and I feel like I have failed not only as a person but in life and I hate it, it is so scary.

brokenbutterfly wrote:

if I was thin then everything would be ok and I wouldn't wake up in the morning and hate that I have to go outside where people will see me and judge me because I am fat. (...) no one seems to understand how hard it is to live like this yet I refuse to change it so maybe I don't complelty understand or something.

it's wrong to think like that, because being fat or thin won't make you more capable of doing things or a better professional or student, you know.
It's so very important so surround yourself with people who understand you, not only here, but also friends and family. I know that it's common that people don't understand you and even blame and criticize you, but it's worth trying.

brokenbutterfly wrote:

I want to get a job this summer and hopefully that will keep me busy enough and then I will walk places and that should help too. Its so hard to get a job though because then if I binge I don't want to go outside and then I call in sick to work and eventually they get tired of it and fire me.

think of the positive part of getting a job. Besides of earning your own money, you keep yourself occupied and maybe it can also work as way of selfcontrol about your ed. If you are occupied and really concentrated working, you are not thinking about those nasty things, ok?

Write back and gimme news, please. I'm here for you, at anytime.

trying2impress

replied on June 18th, 2006

New User

Wow, that was alot of reading to get through. You have alot of hurt deep inside of yourself. I am going through some hard things atm in my life and I know how quickly things can fall apart right in front of you. I think the most important thing you can do for youself is to find atleast one person to talk to. Just one. Let them know how you are feeling. When I went through bulemia I didnt tell anyone for a year, I think they all knew by the end of the year anyway but I went through alot of hard time, I was suicidal and not coping at all. I felt as though the whole world suddenyl didnt make sense, it was a cold dark place and I didnt belong. Im still going through my eating disorder now and I havent had my period for over 2 years but im getting there with help. I realise now that there always was people to help me, I just didnt want it then. When you are ready for help, there will always be someone there.

Goodluck,

godbless

v00d00cita

replied on June 18th, 2006

Active User, very eHealthy

trying2impress wrote:

i think the most important thing you can do for youself is to find atleast one person to talk to. Just one. Let them know how you are feeling.

i completelly agree. I can guess how it feels like, because i'm also recevering and telling one people can really help you move on and get healthy again.
Get better

mxgurlie101

replied on June 18th, 2006

Experienced User

I understand exactly how you feel because im living on my own too which is really hard being14 but what the heck. I feel the same as you sometimes just wanting it all to end. You need some help and someone to talk to as many of us need to do. I hope you feel better and like v00d00cita says things will get better just hold on. If you need to talk were here :)

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