New & Dealing

I'm new to this, but I have been battling bulimia since I was a sophomore in high school. Now I am 20 and I feel like I am at a crossroad with this. I am finally debating on telling someone, but i'm just so scared. Not so much embarrassed, but scared that they'll tell me I have a problem, or worse, that I don't and that what I do is just some pathetic attempt to have an eating disorder and that there is actually something else wrong with me.
The reason I can't actually tell if I would even benefit from any kind of help is b/c my bulimia is not an every day thing. It cycles. I start off exercising every day, eating very healthy and being happy. But then after a couple of months, the binging and purging starts again. It starts off slowly, I begin to eat much more than I had been, I run out of time to go to the gym during the day, I begin to feel my pants tightening, I have a "fat day", i'm stressed out and then boom..I've scarfed down enough food to feed atleast 4 people and then I try to sit there and ignore that feeling at the back of my throat, the pain in my stomach, but it continues to naw at the back of my brain until I run to the bathroom and purge myself. I'll do that for a month or two, until the veins begin to pop out in my eyes, my throat becomes scratchy, and those black circles begin to appear under my eyes...The hollow look. The next day, i'm a born again health fanatic, back in the gym.
The only time I was ever actually caught in the action was when I lived at home, and my mom walked in on me. She already had her suspesions, so she crept up to the bathroom door after dinner and listened. She busted the door open and we just stared at each other for a minute, not knowing what to say. She finally said "that's not funny." then walked away. For about a week afterwards, they forced me to be with them right after dinner and I wasn't allowed to go to the restroom for atleast an hour. I think it was then that I began to restrict the food I ate during the day, when they couldnt watch me. And all those after school specials on anorexia and bulmia only aided me in figuring out new ways to hide food that I wasn't eating on my plate or sneak away to purge somewhere else. That was probably the worst time for me. I think it started after my doctor called me fat after I went in for a check up my freshmen year of highschool. I was 145lbs, 5'8", played every sport possible & ran 2 mi. A day....I wasn't fat, but back then to me that sent me on a huge down spiral.
I guess now is actually the smallest i've ever been, a size 8, but when I look in the mirror, I still see the chubby little girl from junior high. I remember growing up my dad would call me a "lard ass," and other deragatory names. In the fourth grade one of the boys nicked named me "2-ton." I used to think it didn't bother me, but if I can still recall it now, it must of not been that trivial. I developed a very sarcastic, hard-ass personality, and eventually scared people into leaving me alone. It wasn't until freshmen year that I lost most of the fat, but that's also when the bulimia and anorexia set in. After that I would (and still do) freak out when I gained a pound.
Both of my parents are overweight and my younger brother. Actually, my brother & dad are overweight, my mom is bordering on obese. When I go home to visit is the absolutely worst time for me, they have so much junk food. Chips, cakes, chocolate, pizza, cokes.. So much stuff, plus take-out every damn night.
I know that I need help, but it's just so hard to actually bring the problem to the surface. I actually told my dad once, but I was able to convince him that it was no big deal. I think the reason I told him was as a last ditch effort to cry out for help, b/c I don't think I can do it on my own. I am also majoring in psychology, so it's even harder b/c I know all the techniques they are going to use and I just don't know if I am ready for that. I hope though, if I am able to overcome this cycle, that I will be able to help someone else one day, especially the ones like me, who lie somewhere in between, and don't know if their problem is really even that important.
Well..Sorry for the flood of information. This has just been on my mind for a really long time. Thanks for reading the whole way through.. More later..
Xo lj xo