Well I am reporting this problem as I am going through depression a lot.Well and I need cure for this.Let me introduce you about myself as I am 21 year old studying engineering.I dont have any bad addiction like alcohole,drugs etc.I am good at painting since when I was in 1st class in school but I left drawing since 5 years & when I was in high school I addicted to internet because I want to be webmaster so I surf a lot and gather much knowledge about computers,music and designing.I designed more than 20 websites and also making music on computers with help of softwares and synthesizers as I am house,techo musician.I also worked on many musician message boards & technical support forums as moderator and really got much knowledge about computers and internet and I give my knowledge to others as much as possible.But still its not enough as far as home work is concerned I ignored mathamatics but I never ignored science and history,geography I done top in highschool on those three subjects and let me tell you when the last semister of my high school came I was not prepared for that exam I just finished the whole syllabusin 2 weeks and scored 67% which I usually score between 83-86 % but suddenly my graph goes down and my confidence level also.I was not going to take admission to engineering after high school because I really got upset with my internet addiction and poor scores so I decided to do b.S.Computer science.But when I was going to attempt semister of bs in computer science my parents told me to join engineering college for the electronics engineering course and I joined.Yeah I know it is miracle that passed out high school by studying in a 2 week.
But when I joined engineering my bad time is started I unable to pass out in matahmatics subjects as I ignored it in high school and since 2 years I am giving the same subjects examination.All students in my batch are going to pass out and going to get thier degrees in next year but I am still doing first year of engineering.I am really bored and irritated with same books and exam papers and I failed usually with 2 to 3 marks I dont why?With that and feel very guilty about myself.Actually person like me should need to give up with the life but I am alive because of my parents becuase every person on earth is alive for some cause and I dont see myself on any postion ,i dont wanna live life depending on others or as unsuccesful person .I dont want to hurt my parents also for any reason so thats why I never tried to sucide yet.I never done any good thing for society or for my parents,i never made a single person on earth happy but also I never behave like selfish I just kept myself as question mark and let the things happens in its way.
Well what do you think what do I need to do?What will be my future?As I got much failure nobody is going to accept me for the engineering job,i have to stand on my feet as my father is not highly paid position.Is computer or music is root cause of this? Do I need to get away from these but I am much strong on these sides but these are weakness of my career too.How to get rid of internet addiction?Some people after reading this post will say that whatever happens happens for reason,but can I ask this whole disaster happen for what reason?Yeah I know I made my life worst but is there any way I can survive or I have to give up?
Well I need some career counselor as well as doctors help so how can I get out of this depression because this depression made a lot negative attitude inside.I dont know if this failure remains forever then my spirit to fight for life will also reduced and there will be no good thing to leave on earth.Well I dont believe in god.So I never go to church or some temple to relax mind.And as failured person I dont have friends which some time ago I was having many (when I was scoring 80-85%).
Can you tell me what the helll I am doing ?I am doing the right things or do I need to change these things and how? Do I need to continue with computers and music or need to think about my career in engineering.As I am 21 now learning after 22 with some other subjects or degree is possible or can I able to do it?Well my head is really full of questions.And pls take my post serious cause I am in such bad condition.Hope many of you help me also anyone of u know a doctor or career counsellor so pls tell them view this post.
Thank you.----anishak