Need a Sign

Mine was a relationship that many might be cynical of. However this is my reality, so I ask for your patience and understanding.

In october '05 I met a man online. He was 24, from ksa, and we instantly clicked. He was fun, carefree, easygoing, I could talk to him about anything, anything at all and in fact I opened myself up to him a lot quicker than I would with all the other people I met online. He had depth. The first time we met, and I write this with a wistful smile, I asked him to marry me. It didn't mean anything it was just me playing, making a joke, but little did I know that the same request would in fact be the thing I wanted most.

We were never "good friends" we bypassed that stage in 5 minutes of talking, we always have been intimate, not a couple, but just really close. He is the man of my dreams. You know the way women want a man who is manly but sensitive, caring but aggressive, passionate but understanding, a man who can laugh and cry and we secretly think he doesn't exist. Well he is living proof that such a man exists he is all and more that I could ever ever want. He connected with me on so many levels, and yes this is online, but if one can connect over electrical signals like this, imagine what would happen if physical touch were involved?

He became my reality. I would think of him, dream of him, him always in my thoughts and I in his. He fell in love, I fell in love, for the first time in my life I received a valentine's day card. (well... E-card)

but alas, complications arose. Recently he began to feel distant, cold, passive. I got scared, I cried all the time, prayed and invoked all the beings I could fathom. April he told me he needed to ask me something that was going to make me feel bad and he didn't want to say it. I was scared. Eventually he said that he might accept a job in a remote location and that he wouldn't have access to a computer. That didn't really sink in, I felt bad, but I also knew that I would make the last month special and there would be a way... A mere two days later he came out with it. He met someone.

This has been the pattern with all long distance relationships.

It's killing me inside. But the thing is, i'm not jealous of her, I don't hate her because of the situation...

He had known her since she was born. He held her in his arms when he was 2 and she was a few hours old. He lives in ksa, his family approves of her and would disapprove of me.

He wanted to marry me, he said that was the reason why I was the person he talked most to on msn. But he'd always used to say "perhaps in a different time and place" and to me it always sounded possible, but he meant as in, in a different life.

That's what's killing me inside. I'm perfect for him and he's perfect for me, the only problem is what we were born into. Him, a muslim country which has strong policies against women, yet alone foreign ones. Me... Well... I was born in a society which allows for freedom and success, and I wasn't born with him...

But I know, I am utterly convinced that he is the one. There's too many little details to just be disregarded as coincidence. I can't take the "plenty more fish in the sea" and the "you have to move on" speeches, i'm neither strong enough for them nor do I wish to hear them...

All I want is the confirmation that one day, be it in a couple of years or in a couple of decades, that one day I can be with him... The man for me...