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Strange Feelings - Bereavement?

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Hi guys. I've recently been having extreme intense feelings that I can't face the future and when I think about it I either have a panic attack or very nearly. It is very strange and very horrible. It is like I want to die or can't go on but I am not suicidal in the sense that I truly want to die because I don't believe that I do really, I just want to get back to normal.

I believe this is possibly down to a bereavement, I had lost a friend 11 months ago - but everything else in my life at present is ok, (positive even). It was a friend who was the same age as me that I lost, we share the same birthdate. We were expecting it as she was ill, so it wasn't sudden in a sense, but I did not know "how long we had left" with her so it was still a shock.
I've managed these 11 months somehow and I have been going to work and doing everything as normal but over the 11 months I have had some feelings on and off, like deep waves of depression sweeping over me, staying different lengths of times. I have had also some anxiety feelings, which have not all been the same - some are intense dread and others are just panicky feelings that I can more easily deal with.
I am frightened of these feelings that I can't face the future because up until a week ago it was not like this - it was not a problem, I thought about the future "normally" like anyone would, not with feelings that I can't face it. I have been that anxious and depressed that I can hardly eat, and this morning I had diohrrea (i had this problem a couple of times over the last 11 months too). I have a small appetite anyway.

Does anyone know how I can deal with this and has anyone else had something similar? Can anyone offer any advice or hope of light at the end of the long dark tunnel? (i need advice on managing these intense feelings of wanting to die / can't face future, advice on managing the intense anxiety - at the moment I can go out etc but I have been off work all week and not sure I can go back yet..., and advice on bereavement, I know about panic attacks and how to control them but I still keep getting them - I had one last night).
I want these feelings to go away, but I am afraid what if they don't? If they don't go away, can anyone tell me that it is possible to live a fairly normal life despite these awful feelings?
I have some good friends and supportive family around me and apart from the depression I am otherwise fairly happy so it is a strange mix of feelings!!
Does anyone agree that this is probably part of my bereavement?
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replied May 14th, 2006
Experienced User
People respond differently to a loss.....I've seen some laugh, cry uncontrollably and others...Nothing. It's not unusual to have a delayed response or have it build up to obvious physical symptoms.

We all hear about death but when it hits home it can be very devastating. I lost martin to pancreatic cancer.......A man I spent many hours talking and sharing my life with. One day he was at work, the next in the hospital.....He lasted a month.....Near the end he wouldn't talk to anyone.
Once he passed and I heard about it......I was initially shocked and then sad........Then I saw a vision of him and he was truly happy.......He was with his girlfriend.........The one he told me about during our many talks, the one he told me he loved and missed and who had died a few years before...........Then I had a great sense of peace.....That this man, martin, was with the woman he loved. Rest in peace, buddy! :)
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replied May 15th, 2006
Bereavement
Thanks spirit. That's cool. Well I had a dream about my friend, ray, a while ago and we were talking. I suddently said to her "but that is not really you is it, you're not really there?" and she said "no, but I am in you, I am in your heart and your mind". I felt better after that dream, but this depression seems to have hit me quite bad at the moment. It feels like it is going to go on forever and I won't be happy again.
I know she'd want me to be happy etc but it doesnt seem to make any difference knowing that.

:(
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replied May 15th, 2006
Experienced User
I don't have a lot of experience with depression....Tried the meds once but interferred with the sleep so I immediately discontinued them. I'm not saying people with depression to just get over it....I can relate to alot of the symptoms but in a very borderline mild kind of way....I have no idea how someone who has something 1000x of what I had would deal with it. Although I believe there's no shame in asking for help whether meds or someone to talk it out with.
Having said that I also believe there's alot to be said about improving your circumstances....A moment in time like this was...Wakes you up....Realizing your own mortality....What have I done with my life?Is this what it's all about?
Advice: lose yourself in something you love. To become totally engrossed in something you love is to discover who you really are. It doesn't matter what it is....Just do it. Your right she doesn't want you to be unhappy....Her life was a joyous occasion....Be very grateful she chose you to share her short life with.....I don't know you and I didn't have the pleasure of knowing ray, but I do know she loves and wants you to be happy...................I can feel the vibes!~right on, ray!~ :)
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