I Need Help On How to Deal With My Partner Being Alcoholic Posted: 05-10-06 09:47am
Hi all,
first of all I need to know whether my
partner is alcoholic or is it mainly
depression. We are going through a very
difficult time. My partner was always in
a very busy business life until he lost
his job about 2 years ago and has
difficulties finding anything else because
of his age.
For the last two years we have gone
through the same as described below:
heavy drinking for about two weeks non
stop. This means from first thing in the
morning and mostly whenever he wakes up
during the night. It usually starts with
a few pints in the pub like we used to do
but now it seems that these few pints are
enough to feel anxious in the morning and
needing alcohol to get over these feelings
and then continue all day. After 2 to 3
weeks he realises he needs to stop and
this takes for about a week slowing down
gently, then getting very sick for a few
days (mostly during the night). This
episode goes with terrible moodswings and
anger. This is the period where I will
have to take some verbal abuse. He will
be perfect then for about 2 to 3 weeks and
then it starts all over.
I'm trying to be very patient and helpful
because I understand he's going through a
very difficult time. But am I wrong?
Should I do more then listen to him and
trying to help him going through all of
this? I'm starting to feel guilty. He
just stopped again a couple of days ago
and as each time I do believe it will be
the last time, but will it?
Please, can anybody give me advice?
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shadowalker164
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 14 Jan 2005 Posts: 175 Location: Tampa, FL
Posted: 05-15-06 14:11pm
Nano…
i am not a doctor, nor do I have a crystal
ball, I am just a recovering alcoholic.
For what it’s worth, here is my take on
your questions.
I like your partner hit a bit of bad luck
in my professional and personal life. And
my drinking did get worse for it. In
fact, I was sitting in my home office one
morning staring at an unopened bottle of
jack daniels, and the biggest decision I
needed to make that day was when was I
going to open it right that moment, or put
it off till noon. Either way, I was going
to open it, of that I was sure.
Somewhere around that time I realized that
I was in deep trouble. I couldn’t or
wouldn’t stop drinking. And now that I
have gotten sober, I have crossed paths
with scores of other drunks just like me.
Once we cross that invisible line, we lose
control over when or how much we drink, or
what we do to people we love when we are
loaded. We become powerless over it.
Your partner may be one of us, and he may
not, I don’t know. He alone needs to
make that diagnosis.
As to if this time is the last time, nano,
in the back of your mind you already know
that it isn’t. Your partner needs that
next drink like you need your next breath.
It’s hold is that powerful. I am not
surprised that he is depressed and suffers
mood swings. He is facing a hellish
landscape without the ease and comfort of
a few drinks. And once he starts, he
can’t stop. It is a vicious cycle.
No drug or new job or change in
circumstance will fix what is wrong with
us. We drink to preserve our very sanity.
If your partner really wants to stop
drinking, he will find an alcoholics
anonymous meeting. There are tens of
thousands of them all over the world. He
can find one.
Then he needs to sit down and listen. He
might learn something he does not now
know.
One thing I do know for sure, over any
length of time, it only gets worse, it
never gets better. Never. In a year or
two from now, you may call what’s going
on right now the good old days.
Your friend
richard
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Nano
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 10 May 2006 Posts: 14
Posted: 05-16-06 03:19am
Thanks a lot for your advice richard.
He's still not drinking but I will talk to
him tonight about contacting aa before he
starts again. Maybe i'll advise him to
read some of the stories on this site.
I really hope you get through this misery
yourself! Hang on!
Thanks again,
nano
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shadowalker164
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 14 Jan 2005 Posts: 175 Location: Tampa, FL
Posted: 05-16-06 09:40am
Thank you for your kind words nano,
it has been a little more than seven years
since I took my last drink. But i, just
like every other alcoholic, am just one
drink away from where I was seven years
ago. Once an alcoholic, always an
alcoholic.
I hope he takes you up on the offer to
take in a meeting. I didn’t know what I
didn’t know. But around the rooms of
alcoholics anonymous, I learned a lot
about my drinking.
I doubt he wants to, but if he wants to
talk to a recovering alcoholic, I would be
happy to tell him what I know about this
disease. We give away what was so freely
given us.
Thanks for the offer richard! You never
know! I haven't have a chance to talk to
him though, i'm waiting for a moment when
he's relaxed so it doesn't cause a fight.
I'm afraid to do anything that would give
him a reason to have another drink.
In the mean time, you keep going! I hope
7 days is 9 days by now!!
Let me know how you get on!
Nano
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Nano
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 10 May 2006 Posts: 14
Posted: 05-18-06 09:14am
So sorry richard, I misread, I thought you
were talking about 7 days but it's
actually 7 years. My god! Sorry again.
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peachy
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 01 Oct 2007 Posts: 1
Peachy Posted: 10-01-07 19:27pm
I just joined nano, but what you are going
through with your significant other is
what i have been experienceing with my
husband. He is now in a impatient rehab
center and i talk to him daily, I can
already see the changes. I just hope when
he comes home i will be able to help him
with his recovery. Good Luck
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WShep
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 04 Oct 2007 Posts: 67 Location: SoCal, USA
Posted: 10-04-07 17:19pm
Ok i dont want to butt in, but one thing
you said worried me.
"Should I do more then listen to him and
trying to help him going through all of
this? I'm starting to feel guilty...'m
afraid to do anything that would give him
a reason to have another drink. "
This is not something you did. Nor is it
something that you can really control. He
is lucky to have someone that cares about
him and just you being there is going to
help. I dont know the whole history, so
excuse me if im out of line, but you can
be a pillar in his life now. Nothing you
do with good intentions in mind are going
to hurt him. Be strong and always
remember that it has nothing to do with
you. Help him as much as you can but
there may come a time when you need to
think about yourself.
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shadowalker164
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 14 Jan 2005 Posts: 175 Location: Tampa, FL
Posted: 10-05-07 08:30am
Peachy, I agree with WShep. It is
important for you to understand that you
don’t possess the power to get him
sober. I was told early in my sobriety
that there is NOTHING you can say or do to
get someone drunk if they want to be
sober, and there is NOTHING you can say or
do to keep them sober if they don’t want
to.
Sure support is good. We all need the love
and well wishes of our friends and loved
ones, but just understand he will stay
sober or he will get drunk because that is
what he wants to do.
If you want to help him in his recovery,
encourage him to involve himself in a
recovery program. I am a big fan of
Alcoholics Anonymous, it has helped more
hopeless alcoholics than all the other
programs put together. But there are other
options as well. Do some research into it.
If he only does rehab and nothing else,
his chances of staying sober are less than
if he associates himself with other
recovering men. Encouraging him in that
direction is in my opinion, your best way
of helping.