Depression Forum - Depressed!

I hope this isnt to confusing but here goes.
I’ve been feeling depressed to quite a few years now but I have never done anything about it and its steadily getting worse!

I think I first realised that I was unhappy when I left primary school. I was very happy in primary school and the sudden shove into secondary education made me realise just how much my life was going to change!
As I got used to being in high school I made new friends other than the friends I already had and life was great. I completely forgot about being away from my old school and got on with life happily, like any other 12 year old.

As I got to year 9 one of my closest friends moved away, and I never really heard from her again. This brought back my feelings on depression but instead of feeling sorry for myself I put all my energy into being angry at my friend for moving away and I never really spoke about it again.

At this time I was a member of a youth club which I used to attend in the evenings. Me and some of my close friends met some lads that we liked and for about a year we were inseparable. We weren’t in a relationship but just very very close friends. During this time another one of my friends that I had known since I was three years old changed high schools and I never heard from her again. I was slightly upset but due to having my new male companions I never really thought about it!

Due to this friend moving away her best friend (another close friend of mine) drifted apart from me and my group of friends until we hardly ever spoke.

In my new group of friends there were 4 females (including myself) and 3 males. We would go out everyday and have so much fun. I couldn’t wait to get out of bed and just knowing that I was friends with them would plant a massive smile across my face.

However as time went on we grew apart and this plunged me and one of my female friends into depression. We would just sit and cry all day together, I self harmed and we would always think of different ways of committing suicide. My friend gradually got over the problem and moved on, unfortunately I didn’t and then I felt more alone then I ever had before. Our group split up completely and I was effectively left alone. There were just three of us left including me and as they say "threes a crowd" and I was pushed out. The other two would go out together and tell me about it purposely, so when I went home in the evenings I would just sit in my bedroom and cry myself stupid and harm myself.

I then started talking to a girl that I knew from high school, we never were great friends but she saw what a state I was and helped me. Now instead of feeling sorry for myself I felt angry and I started to develop a bad attitude, I wouldn’t take any crap from anyone and I felt even more anger towards the people I believed had left me. I still spoke to the two girls that left me out and I don’t think they actually realised what damage they had done to me. Then one of those girls left school and one was left alone. My friendship became very appealing to this person. And then there were three of us once more, but my new friend and I were the closest. We would go out together every weekend and have so much fun. We would always text each other and always meet up. Until one day we met up and my friend was acting very strange and very different. She said to me "guess what I did last night" I replied with the usual answer of "what". Then her reply shocked me so much I couldn’t believe it! "i had sex last night in a bush". This coming from someone who was 15 and who strongly believed in not having sex until being 16 or over! After this we never went out together again. I would ask but she would already have plans with someone else. This sent me into deep depression; I could hardly speak about it without bursting into tears. I also started self harming again. Although this time instead of cutting myself which would leave a scar, as I did get questioned about a scar I had on my leg, I lied and said I was scratched by a cat. I started to whip my arms with a leather bookmark, or punch the walls so hard my knuckles would go bright red and swell up. I find it very hard to talk to people or meet new people as I just think "what's the point, they're going to leave me anyway."

i have a lot of fears that have also been amplified due to this. For example, I haven’t had my hair cut for over two years because I feel scared of the hairdresser. I need to get a filling done but I am terrified of the dentist. Also, the thought of going to the doctors to get anti-depressants terrifies me, because I think that the doctor will be laughing at me or something equally as stupid.

I’ve been called anti-social many times by my mum because I just sit in my room and don’t go anywhere, but she doesn’t understand and I can’t talk to her about my problems.

I go out with my sister every now and then, but when we go clubbing I always spoil the night as I end up sitting alone in the toilets crying because I miss my friends so much.

I only have one friend who knows that I am depressed but they don’t know that I self harm.

Meeting new people is as hard as I imagine that we could become good friends and then they will leave me like the others.

I’ve lost all drive and I don’t really enjoy anything anymore. I went on to higher education and managed to stay there for a year but due to a dispute between me and the head director I left, once more feeling alone and unwanted. I took a year out of education and I just have a part time cleaning job but I find that a challenge because I get strong feelings of paranoia, and I cant help but think about what the people I work around are thinking or saying about me.

I really don’t know what to do anymore. I’m sorry for boring everyone with my sad story but I don’t know who else to talk to.