I'm a New Memeber......please Help Me!

Actually I don't know what to call it. He was a shy teenager (5 years older than me) and I was a curious kid. I have always talked more freely about these things. I remember I brought up sex and asked him questions about body parts and how adults do things that I didn't understand and he would say he didn't know.......We went through puberty together and it started with talking about changes in our body and showing it to each other. I was about 9 the first time it happened. He would never take his pants off and he would just touch me and I liked it. That's why all these years I thought it was both of us who did it. It continued for about 4 years and I always felt so guilty about it. I think as soon as he got a girl friend it stopped and we never talked about it. We are so close and talk about anything. I don't know if it has effected me or not or if I should bring it up to him. I remember sometimes I would be more eager for him to touch me. So it was more me than him. May be he was just a horny teenager! And so was i! Am I in denial?