Nobody Knows What This Is. Posted: 05-03-06 05:26am
Heres my story which lead me into a deap
thinking process to where I am and where
im going in life.
I always wanted to smoke weed, I thought
it was cool, chicks looked up pot heads I
could walk around like a derro not giving
a !@#^ but things turned ugly.
I was 15 when I started and I got into it
for the wrong reasons, basically because I
wanted to be someone I wasnt. I knew that
at the time but as I progressed I met some
guys who I thought were like me, I started
smoking weed more and more as I didnt see
anything wrong with it and then after
about a year all these wierd things
started happening. It was like I was
being copied but in a way to tell me
something but I didnt know what. I was a
follower no doubt, I needed my friends,
whenever I was in fights, breaking into
cars, getting drunk at partys my friends
were there to back me up. Then later I
started thinking who am i, people are
becoming more like me and its getting
freaky because I have nothing left to
benefit myself from others. The problem
started here... I was very stoned and
people would say things that made me think
twice, then I thought someone was !@#^ing
with my thought patterns, its like
whatever I said wasnt good enough and I
was ridiculed but in a way to kill my self
esteem, it was like a cloud rising over me
until I couldnt do anything but listen to
what people had to say. It got so intense
one session that I blacked out, apparently
my face had turned blue, but after waking
up I felt much more relaxed as if my
stress levels had just disolved, I didnt
care as much about what other people
thought of me. Another session we walked
up to these group of people and I heard
them talking but in a wierd way, something
I couldnt explain, I thought I was a
!@#^ing retard or different or wierd, I
was tripping out went for a walk and this
incredibaly loud ringing noise overwhelmed
my senses and I almost blacked out again.
The thing is I could only understand
people when I was stoned, when I was
straight it was just normal life until I
started investigating the difference
between when I was stoned and when I was
straight. Then when I would question my
mates about these things I was labeled
gay, so its like against the rules of
society to talk about this 'thing' so I
covered it up trying to learn what I can
do and cant now all these rules run my
fkng life.
I stopped the weed after that it got too
freaky and after ditching my family for
almost 5 years I returned back to them and
had no motivation, no social skills, didnt
know if people were talking to me or about
me. I was put on anti depressant
medication but that doesnt seem to be the
problem although I was depressed. Now I
seem fine but its like ive memorised a
method to speak to myself and to other
people and the only time I can feel what I
say is when im so frustrated without being
able to connect with my heart because it
feels like theres plastic wrapped around a
steal ballbearing and I cant get any
deaper within myself.
My understanding of the issue is that I
was on a different level of consciousness
when I was high and could understand the
world through a more patient level. And
today ive returned back to my normal level
but have a long mission to get back to the
level I was when I was stoned. Its like
ive seen the future and am trapped between
two universes. It is a !@#^ing nightmare
I swear. Ive been to phsycologist,
general gp, hypnotherapist they say im
just feeling what its like to come off
weed but I dont think thats the truth. I
think it will just take time but im unsure
but I cant seem to get to the root of my
thoughts although when I goto bed and just
not think about anything its like other
peoples voices start talking and takeover
my thoughts, its like a consistant flow of
freedom without any force from myself.
