Heres my story which lead me into a deap
thinking process to where I am and where
im going in life.
I always wanted to smoke weed, I thought
it was cool, chicks looked up pot heads I
could walk around like a derro not giving
a medical question but things turned
ugly.
I was 15 when I started and I got into it
for the wrong reasons, basically because I
wanted to be someone I wasnt. I knew
that at the time but as I progressed I met
some guys who I thought were like me, I
started smoking weed more and more as I
didnt see anything wrong with it and then
after about a year all these wierd things
started happening. It was like I was
being copied but in a way to tell me
something but I didnt know what. I was
a follower no doubt, I needed my friends,
whenever I was in fights, breaking into
cars, getting drunk at partys my friends
were there to back me up. Then later I
started thinking who am i, people are
becoming more like me and its getting
freaky because I have nothing left to
benefit myself from others. The
problem started here... I was very
stoned and people would say things that
made me think twice, then I thought
someone was doing it with my thought
patterns, its like whatever I said wasnt
good enough and I was ridiculed but in a
way to kill my self esteem, it was like a
cloud rising over me until I couldnt do
anything but listen to what people had to
say. It got so intense one session
that I blacked out, apparently my face had
turned blue, but after waking up I felt
much more relaxed as if my stress levels
had just disolved, I didnt care as much
about what other people thought of me.
Another session we walked up to these
group of people and I heard them talking
but in a wierd way, something I couldnt
explain, I thought I was a doing it retard
or different or wierd, I was tripping out
went for a walk and this incredibaly loud
ringing noise overwhelmed my senses and I
almost blacked out again. The thing is
I could only understand people when I was
stoned, when I was straight it was just
normal life until I started investigating
the difference between when I was stoned
and when I was straight. Then when I
would question my mates about these things
I was labeled gay, so its like against the
rules of society to talk about this
'thing' so I covered it up trying to learn
what I can do and cant now all these rules
run my fkng life.
I stopped the weed after that it got too
freaky and after ditching my family for
almost 5 years I returned back to them and
had no motivation, no social skills, didnt
know if people were talking to me or about
me. I was put on anti depressant
medication but that doesnt seem to be the
problem although I was depressed. Now
I seem fine but its like ive memorised a
method to speak to myself and to other
people and the only time I can feel what I
say is when im so frustrated without being
able to connect with my heart because it
feels like theres plastic wrapped around a
steal ballbearing and I cant get any
deaper within myself.
My understanding of the issue is that I
was on a different level of consciousness
when I was high and could understand the
world through a more patient level.
And today ive returned back to my normal
level but have a long mission to get back
to the level I was when I was stoned.
Its like ive seen the future and am
trapped between two universes. It is a
doing it nightmare I swear. Ive been
to phsycologist, general gp,
hypnotherapist they say im just feeling
what its like to come off weed but I dont
think thats the truth. I think it will
just take time but im unsure but I cant
seem to get to the root of my thoughts
although when I goto bed and just not
think about anything its like other
peoples voices start talking and takeover
my thoughts, its like a consistant flow of
freedom without any force from myself.
