I have a feeling this might turn into a bit of a novel but ohwell what can you do. My depression or my very depressed feeling (not sure if it is actually depression or me just being a nimwit?) has been something that has been building in my life for a very long time. I am 20 years old (turn 21 in less than a month), I am from england originally but now live in new zealand (moved here when I was 13 with parents). I think moving to new zealand was the first step into depression. When I think about it, I was young, I had been uplifted from my childhood home, from the rest of my family like grandparents and cousins etc who lived close by, and also from my childhood school friends...It was a big thing but at the time it felt exciting and I wanted to go. So we have now lived in new zealand for nearly 9 years...And the first 5 years were my high school career...In those 5 years I attended 5 different schools, with each move I had to make new friends, a new life and then drop them all to move onto another one. When I turned 16 I started to get rebellious, I drank a lot, id get so drunk I couldnt stand up and I started smoking weed but I never did any hard drugs or anything like that. There was a turning point in my life at 17 when I made a bad decision over a guy my best friend liked and all my friends disowned me. This was the second large blow. I had a little breakdown and started skipping school. I had no friends and then I got sent on to another school for my last year of school away from my parents. That year was a better one, I made nice new friends and did lots of new things and learnt a lot about myself but then again I had to move on. That was end of 2003. So I decided to go to university, so I attended canterbury uni, in christchurch, I lived in a hall and made some friends but I disliked the hall lifestyle and I was very unhappy there. So I decided to move further south to dunedin to be closer to some of the freinds I had at the last school. I was there a year, and lived in two flats of which both turned out to be total disasters. Towards the end I started drinking very heavily again, drove drunk a couple of times, I just felt like I had no control of myself and I flunked university and lied to my parents, telling them I had sat my exams and passed them but the truth was I didnt sit my exams and I didnt pass anything. I had no motivation and generally had no urge to do anything most of the time. I saw a councellor and she put me on meds. I then moved from dunedin up to auckland which was closer to home. Again I left my friends, and had to start a new life, yet again, and make some new friends. I have now been living in auckland for nearly nine months and I dont have one friend I can put to my name. I work hard at uni and I am getting good results and have the drive to do it, so thats something at least. My depression comes and goes...I have good days and I have bad days. I stopped my meds about 6 months ago now. My bad days seem to be getting worse and worse....Its like I complety shut down for a couple of days...I cry and cry about anything...Just really emotional. Generally dont know what to do. The biggest factor is that I feel very lonely, I have no one I trust enough to talk to, my self confidence is severely lacking (sometimes I dont want to go outside or meet with people because im so unconfident in myself), I hate the way I look, I hate people looking at me, sometimes I catch myself telling myself that im the ugliest person ever, why would anyone want to be with me? I have a bit of an anxiety about my future, I feel as if I am going to be alone forever and that the things I am desperate for in my life wont happen.

So I dont know what I want people to say, I doubt anyone will reply to my essay here but I guess I just want some advice. One thing I do know is that I want to move forward, I want to get somewhere and I know there is more to life than this and I want to get there, I just dont know how.