Ugh, okay I recently got into a relationship with somebody who is very opposite me. For those of you into astrology i'm a pisces and he is an aries. He deals with things differently than I do and has enough problems in his family right now without him knowing about my depression/cutting. Yes, I cut to deal with things. No, nobody knows about it. I've been doing this for.. 8 years. I'm 19.
I'm really just posting to vent and to introduce myself. I've been depressed since I was 8 years old, but when I was 10 or 11 is when things got really bad. I cope with it in my own way and do what I can to get through each day. It's been really bad lately though, as a lot of crap has gone down in these past few months. I was raped in january, went back to an ex, got pregnant and miscarried in the beginning of march.
Anyway the other day something really bothered me. I was watching a movie with my boyfriend and his brother. Girl, interrupted. It's one of my favorite movies, but I usually watch it alone as it makes me emotional. Anyway, the guys were kind of making fun of the movie and what was going on in the movie. I shrugged it off, I mean first they have this bad-ass reputation, and I know that its just the way they deal with things. But then they showed the girl, daisy, when lisa pulls up her sleeve to show cuts all over her arm. My boyfriend then said to his brother "see, this way (horizontally) is for attention, but this way (the length of the arm) means thats it." I wanted to scream at him, I wanted to yell "what hell would you know about it?" but I kept my mouth shut. It still bothers me that he is so niave and has the same thinking pattern of over half the rest of the world.
I've been hiding it for 8 years, i'm not suicidal (anymore), and I don't do it on the inside of my wrists. Now i'm afraid of him someday finding out. I don't know what to do, what to think, who to turn to. I have nobody. I admit at one point in my life I used it for attention to small extent. I told my close friends (it was a cry for help) but soon I did it less and told them I stopped. That was years ago. My parents would tell me to "stop being so stupid" if I told them. So don't tell me to talk to my parents. I'm still covered under their medical health insurance/care so a counsellor isn't really a possibility at this time. Thats why I came here. I need to vent, I need somewhere to turn.
I can't look myself in the mirror, because I hate what I see and want to put my fist through the mirror when I do look. It's gotten so bad lately that the only way I calm down my thoughts enough at night to get a small fraction of sleep is to cut first to take my mind off of anything but the physical pain. I know one thing is for sure, I can't keep living my life this way. Something has to give. I've started writing again, in the hopes that it will help a little bit.
Anyway thanks for letting me vent a little. I just feel so lost anymore.
I cannot relate to cutting as a source of solace (a pin does me in), but I can relate to not having anyone to talk to, and wanting to vent and let it all out. This is a great resource for that. Sometimes you will receive advise from people who just don't understand, but those you ignore. It is the ones that seem to touch your heart and let you say whatever you like are the ones you hold close.
If profressional help is needed, it is totally up to you to seek it. In this case, it might not be a bad idea. Once you are behind closed doors with the doctor, tell him everything in confidence. You're old enough.
Your experiences since the beginning of the year have been traumatic. Does your parents know about the rape, pregnancy and miscarriage? Did you seek medical help for all of this? Are you on medication now for any of these? These are things that need to be taken care of.
The loss of your boyfriend is another thing. This too will pass.
You are too young to be like this, and having put up with it for 8 years and no one to turn to. You can always turn to those who care about you and your future. Let's talk.
Thank you for your kind words of support. I told my doctor about the pregnancy and miscarriage and he just said "thats difficult to deal with." and that was it, no medical precautions were even discussed. My mom knows a little bit about the rape but i'm not sure if she understands the extent of it as I left a lot out.
If anybody else has a similar situation i'm here for you (to the extent that a computer will allow).
God doesn't give you any bourden that you can't handle. Even in your darkest moments, remember that you can come through what ever your fighting with. With some help..is there not even one person in your family that you can talk to? I'm pretty sure you are a beautiful person inside and out! You are strong too. I really feel for you.