Weed's Got Me

Hey... My name is jake and i'm 17. I've been smoking weed for six years now (since I was 11) and now i'm stuck. I've been smoking dope heavily for about three years (that means at the very least one joint every day). I've also been smoking for two and a half years. So, u can guess that my lungs are pretty much shot, but that's not my chief concern.

People always say that weed isn't addictive, but I would like to disagree. It may not cause a physical addiction but it sure as hell can cause a psychological one. I've been wanting to quit weed for a couple of months now but haven't been doing too good for myself. The longest I managed was three days, which isn't good at all.

I used to be a goddamm honor student and now i'm failing courses. I was a nine time gold medal winning wrestler who had the opportunity to wrestle in the canada games, but I messed that up too. My parents have also lost a lot of the respect they had for me.

That was two years ago (the wrestling) and i'm pretty sure it was pot that made me decide to quit. One day I just decided I 'didn't like it anymore', but the truth is (i think) that weed stole my motivation from me.

Since then i've sunken into depression (which the doctor says I can't even be tested for because I smoke weed) and now my life has no direction. That adds to the difficulty of my quitting, because I don't know if I have clinical depression or if its just weed.

I've tried everything I can think of but I can't get off it. Some days i'll think, "ok, you don't need it anymore. It's doing it you up and you don't need it.", "weed is the reason you hate yourself, its the reason you're unhappy." but for every one of those thoughts, another one will force itself into my head, "say it all you want, but tomorrow, at some point, you're gonna do it." or, "it's not weed's fault, you're just a p*ssy and you can't deal with your own life, you're a whiner", or "weed is my friend, it's all that gets me through the day."

almost everyone I know is a pothead, and my school lies in the heart of a drug town. My best friend (who i've known my whole life) is a dealer and at school, the only thing to do on break is go to the smoking section, where everyone has their cigarette and their joint. On top of that, I live in the boonies, where there is absolutely nothing. I don't have my driver's liscence, nor do I have a job. That means that I can't go anywhere and even if I could I wouldn't have any money (except for the occaisional 10-20 dollars). Even when I do have money, I can't think of anything to do with it except for buy weed. I mean, really, what is there to do with 5-10 bucks other than smoke a joint?

I'm sure there are going to be some people who read this and say, "pfff... What a dink. If you're that worried about it then just stop, it can't be that hard." but the thing is that it is hard. I just don't know how to deal with myself when i'm not high. It's almost become my normal state. It's at the point where when i'm high, I don't feel high, but when i'm not high, I feel not high. That may be a little unclear, but I can't describe it much better than that.

When i'm high i'm calm and nothing bothers me, i'm not exceptionally happy either, but at least i'm not upset. When i'm sober for too long I become very edgy and I tend to snap at people for no reason whatsoever. I sometimes find myself so angry and frustrated that I have to do something about it, and rather than going out and destroying something, i'll just smash my head off a wall untill the anger is gone and all I can feel is the pain. I've also cut myself (only once or twice) but thats how bad my rage gets. I'm not gonna let myself turn into a cutter too.

I've contemplated suicide, to the point of actually thinking about what I would put in the note, but I don't want that. I'm not trying to inspire pity, I hate people that do that... But I had to tell someone.

Anyways... That's me. I want to stop, and I think what I might need is someone to encourage me and keep track of my progress. Someone to b*tch at me when I fail. Maybe that's just wishful thinking. I really would appreciate some help...