Hello - i'm in real desperate need of some realistic povs and advice. :|
i'd met my husband approx 8 years ago, when my youngest son was nearly 2. (i've 3 boys - and they're not his.)
geez, I don't know where or how to start ...
Things were great between he and I for the most part until we got married, he didn't sweat the 'little things' (like
someone forgetting to turn a darn light off, etc) he seldom if ever swore/spoke vulgar and always seemed interested
in spending time with us.
Shortly before we got married in 2000 he did show signs of growing rather impatient and short with me/us off and on,
though I assumed it wasn't anything to worry about and would pass.
As time progressed, we'd stopped talking, things had grown ugly and unfortunately I felt he'd grown really jealous of
Let me skip to the here and now ...
He usually comes home late (meaning 10pm - 2am) as he tries hard to find reasons and things to do to keep him 'elsewhere'.
Sometimes he doesn't come home at all, offers no excuse and I don't bother asking for one anymore, because I don't feel
that I have the energy to be bothered with it any longer.
I've caught him on a few occasions talking with a woman on the phone (his cell), sometimes he'll sit in teh bedroom, go into the washroom and
close the door or just sit outside in his truck and talk there.
9 times out of 10 if the kids are awake he *must* find something to growl at them about, by growling I mean putting them
down, implying they're inept, can't do anything right, etc etc, and every second word is f***. He's very loud and goes on
for ages ... Usually it's over little things like a light being left on, jackets being on the floor and so on.
There hasn't been a day to go by in ages that he hasn't called me a f'ing c**t, for things such as leaving the salt
shaker on the counter instead of putting it on the table next to the pepper and again, i've given up and hardly say
anything anymore - in hopes he too will stop since no one is argueing back, but it doesn't work.
He locks the bedroom door every night and as always, I just pick it with the q-tip. He'll check the cell phone for all incoming/outgoing calls nearly every night, though he knows i'd not be talking with anyone.
I could go on and on as you can imagine, bottom line is he really doesn't seem to like/love me any longer and the feeling
seems to be mutual i'm afraid.
I hate like hell making the kids go through the bickering, the insults, etc over and over and over and it really seems to
be takin a toll on the youngest it seems. He's aggresive at times, angry and cries very easily.
My oldest son just turned 16 and can't recall the last time he saw him smile, talk kind or such.
I'm always trying to attempt a conversation somehow as if there isn't any tension, whether it's how was your day or I had
a dentist appointment today, how's my smile ... Always - the reply is the same regardless ' don't f'ing matter to me whatcha do'
or 'go tell your f'ing boyfriend about it, isn't my problem'. Never a kind word and I can hardly stand it anymore.
We've a house that i'd likely be able to keep myself as he hates the area, however, I fear that i'd not be able to make
ends meet on my income alone and I don't wanna give the house up. I know people say that money/materialistic stuff
isn't important, but hell, they need a place to live and I can't raise them on love alone - so what do I do? I need out,
if not for my own sanity, definately that of my kids.
If I tell him to go, it's likely just a matter of time before I have to give the house up anyway, and for as long
as I do this (it honestly embarrasses me to say this) the mortgage gets paid. Some days I hardly see him at all, so it
makes it easier to live with, ya know?
The counselling thing he will *not* do, he's made that clear, but in any event I almost feel it's too late anyway.
I hope i've said enough to get the situation across, I welcome any advice as I just don't know what my options are anymore.
*one more thing, i've noticed that this way of 'living' will go on for weeks at a time, sometimes months, then bang - he'll change just enough (and be 'almost' nice) for only a few days, but during that time it almost makes me second guess myself and what i'm feeling and that maybe i'm over-reacting or such. (the kids don't see it that way of course.) during this period, he'll call just to see what i'm doing so to speak and end the conversation with 'i love you', yet i've stopped saying it. Is it normal for a grown man of 40 to behave this way?! (i'm 33).
Jennifer, you know your not a bad mother.....You're just dealing with what life has given you. I'm almost in exactly the same position.....Living with my ex 15 years, 2 kids(with an added twist of having one child with a disability). I know what you mean about staying for financial reasons....I have all the regular expenses in addition to high medical bills for my son. My advice is....Hopefully your working.....Save every penny and get your own home...And peace of mind. I bought my own home last year(ex doesn't know) and am renting it out now(currently not a good time to leave). I mean really for the sake of the children and your own sanity we can't expect to go on living like this forever. Plan everything and don't forget to treat yourself....Ie. Find someone who will treat you good...You deserve it. :)
My sister went thru what you are going thru. However the child she does have is her and her husband's baby. He is adorable and doesn't deserve to be treated like that. My sister doesnt' either, but it took having a baby to realize that. My sister saved every penny for two years that she could and in two years she had enough to move out and they are better off now than ever. He managed all the money in the home and everything she did. He would come around for a week or so and would love her and the baby but it didn't take long to him to go back to the same ol' guy.
I dont' think that I have seen her happier ever before just her and jonathan.
Good luck to you, when you are tired of this and ready you will leave him and you will be able to make a life for yourself and you will be happier without him. You just will not be able to do this until you are ready. You will just have to be ready. I dont' think that until you are ready and you have made up your mind that you dont' deserve to be treated like this, and that your childerne don't need to be treated like this you will leave and be able to make it because you will have to survive for your babies. (i know that they aren't babies anymore but you know what I mean.)
You poor thing, this must really be taking it's toll on you. I don't think that you have anything to be ashamed of re: paying the mortgage, etc. It would be nice to wave a magic wand and have all of those things taken care of, but that's just not the way it works. It sounds like he's getting worse, though. There will be a point when it something has to give.
My best friend when through something like this about 15 months ago, and when she finally made him leave, it was hard, and she still struggles with having enough money etc, but it was still a change for the better. You just have to use all the support networks that you have, your family, your girl friends.
You'll find the strength to get through this.
One day your children will be grown and ask you 'why' you stayed. Financials reason will not make them happy, they will have wished to have living in a shelter being happy, then seeing you unhappy and all living in fear.
Take the clothes on your back to a shelter for women with children to get the emotional support you need to help you all.