Hello - i'm in real desperate need of some
realistic povs and advice. :|
i'd met my husband approx 8 years ago,
when my youngest son was nearly 2. (i've
3 boys - and they're not his.)
geez, I don't know where or how to start
...
Things were great between he and I for the
most part until we got married, he didn't
sweat the 'little things' (like
someone forgetting to turn a darn light
off, etc) he seldom if ever swore/spoke
vulgar and always seemed interested
in spending time with us.
Shortly before we got married in 2000 he
did show signs of growing rather impatient
and short with me/us off and on,
though I assumed it wasn't anything to
worry about and would pass.
As time progressed, we'd stopped talking,
things had grown ugly and unfortunately I
felt he'd grown really jealous of
the kids.
Let me skip to the here and now ...
He usually comes home late (meaning 10pm -
2am) as he tries hard to find reasons and
things to do to keep him 'elsewhere'.
Sometimes he doesn't come home at all,
offers no excuse and I don't bother asking
for one anymore, because I don't feel
that I have the energy to be bothered with
it any longer.
I've caught him on a few occasions talking
with a woman on the phone (his cell),
sometimes he'll sit in teh bedroom, go
into the washroom and
close the door or just sit outside in his
truck and talk there.
9 times out of 10 if the kids are awake he
*must* find something to growl at them
about, by growling I mean putting them
down, implying they're inept, can't do
anything right, etc etc, and every second
word is f***. He's very loud and goes on
for ages ... Usually it's over little
things like a light being left on, jackets
being on the floor and so on.
There hasn't been a day to go by in ages
that he hasn't called me a f'ing c**t, for
things such as leaving the salt
shaker on the counter instead of putting
it on the table next to the pepper and
again, i've given up and hardly say
anything anymore - in hopes he too will
stop since no one is argueing back, but it
doesn't work.
He locks the bedroom door every night and
as always, I just pick it with the q-tip.
He'll check the cell phone for all
incoming/outgoing calls nearly every
night, though he knows i'd not be talking
with anyone.
I could go on and on as you can imagine,
bottom line is he really doesn't seem to
like/love me any longer and the feeling
seems to be mutual i'm afraid.
I hate like hell making the kids go
through the bickering, the insults, etc
over and over and over and it really seems
to
be takin a toll on the youngest it seems.
He's aggresive at times, angry and cries
very easily.
My oldest son just turned 16 and can't
recall the last time he saw him smile,
talk kind or such.
I'm always trying to attempt a
conversation somehow as if there isn't any
tension, whether it's how was your day or
I had
a dentist appointment today, how's my
smile ... Always - the reply is the same
regardless ' don't f'ing matter to me
whatcha do'
or 'go tell your f'ing boyfriend about it,
isn't my problem'. Never a kind word and
I can hardly stand it anymore.
We've a house that i'd likely be able to
keep myself as he hates the area, however,
I fear that i'd not be able to make
ends meet on my income alone and I don't
wanna give the house up. I know people
say that money/materialistic stuff
isn't important, but hell, they need a
place to live and I can't raise them on
love alone - so what do I do? I need
out,
if not for my own sanity, definately that
of my kids.
If I tell him to go, it's likely just a
matter of time before I have to give the
house up anyway, and for as long
as I do this (it honestly embarrasses me
to say this) the mortgage gets paid. Some
days I hardly see him at all, so it
makes it easier to live with, ya know?
The counselling thing he will *not* do,
he's made that clear, but in any event I
almost feel it's too late anyway.
I hope i've said enough to get the
situation across, I welcome any advice as
I just don't know what my options are
anymore.
*one more thing, i've noticed that this
way of 'living' will go on for weeks at a
time, sometimes months, then bang - he'll
change just enough (and be 'almost' nice)
for only a few days, but during that time
it almost makes me second guess myself and
what i'm feeling and that maybe i'm
over-reacting or such. (the kids don't
see it that way of course.) during this
period, he'll call just to see what i'm
doing so to speak and end the conversation
with 'i love you', yet i've stopped saying
it. Is it normal for a grown man of 40 to
behave this way?! (i'm 33).
Thanks, jennifer
|
Spirit
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 12 Mar 2006 Posts: 388 Location: Canada
Posted: 04-18-06 21:44pm
Jennifer, you know your not a bad
mother.....You're just dealing with what
life has given you. I'm almost in exactly
the same position.....Living with my ex 15
years, 2 kids(with an added twist of
having one child with a disability). I
know what you mean about staying for
financial reasons....I have all the
regular expenses in addition to high
medical bills for my son. My advice
is....Hopefully your working.....Save
every penny and get your own home...And
peace of mind. I bought my own home last
year(ex doesn't know) and am renting it
out now(currently not a good time to
leave). I mean really for the sake of the
children and your own sanity we can't
expect to go on living like this forever.
Plan everything and don't forget to treat
yourself....Ie. Find someone who will
treat you good...You deserve it. :)
|
Sunflower_pie81
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 17 Jan 2006 Posts: 5041 Location: to hell with this crap
Posted: 04-19-06 12:42pm
My sister went thru what you are going
thru. However the child she does have is
her and her husband's baby. He is
adorable and doesn't deserve to be treated
like that. My sister doesnt' either, but
it took having a baby to realize that.
My sister saved every penny for two years
that she could and in two years she had
enough to move out and they are better off
now than ever. He managed all the money
in the home and everything she did. He
would come around for a week or so and
would love her and the baby but it didn't
take long to him to go back to the same
ol' guy.
I dont' think that I have seen her happier
ever before just her and jonathan.
Good luck to you, when you are tired of
this and ready you will leave him and you
will be able to make a life for yourself
and you will be happier without him. You
just will not be able to do this until you
are ready. You will just have to be
ready. I dont' think that until you are
ready and you have made up your mind that
you dont' deserve to be treated like this,
and that your childerne don't need to be
treated like this you will leave and be
able to make it because you will have to
survive for your babies. (i know that
they aren't babies anymore but you know
what I mean.)
good luck to you
genipher
|
Rosh
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 15 Mar 2006 Posts: 39 Location: NZ
Posted: 04-23-06 04:09am
You poor thing, this must really be taking
it's toll on you. I don't think that you
have anything to be ashamed of re: paying
the mortgage, etc. It would be nice to
wave a magic wand and have all of those
things taken care of, but that's just not
the way it works. It sounds like he's
getting worse, though. There will be a
point when it something has to give.
My best friend when through something like
this about 15 months ago, and when she
finally made him leave, it was hard, and
she still struggles with having enough
money etc, but it was still a change for
the better. You just have to use all the
support networks that you have, your
family, your girl friends.
You'll find the strength to get through
this.
