My wife of 4 years came to me a month ago
and said she needed space. She does not
think she loves me anymore. I moved out
to give her space, but I am having a very
hard time. Everytime we get together to
meet and talk we end up fighting and
getting into a really bad fight. She has
told me numerous times that she does not
love me, maybe never did love me. I do
not know how to deal with this. I love
her with all of my heart. I would do
anything to keep her, but she does not
want to do marriage counciling or
anything. She said I have done a lot of
things in the past that she cannot forget.
She is unhappy with my motivation in my
job and with exercising. She is very
successful and exercises all the time.
Sh esays I do not complement her as mush
as she would like or spend time with her
when we are out with others. I just want
to show her I can do all that. How do I
cope with this and how do I get her back?
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pixie_chick
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 22 Apr 2006 Posts: 2
Posted: 04-22-06 18:49pm
This is a tough one. Must be completely
frustrating to prove to your wife that you
want to change and make things work while
you are separated, especially when every
time you meet it ends in a fight. She
probably doesn't want to try counselling
because in her mind she already feels it's
over and counselling isn't going to make
her love you again. It may be worth
reading this book - venus and mars,
together forever by john grey. My
husband bought it and read it when we were
having difficulties and i, like your wife,
was ready to give up because I thought
nothing could possibly change. I
wouldn't say it's totally rescued our
relationship and everything is rosey again
but at least we understand each other
better and are able to communicate with
each other without getting in to fights
all the time. Might be worth a read
before next time you see her so at least
she can see you are able to listen to her
properly and let her say what's on her
mind without you getting annoyed at her
and it all spiralling out of control
again. Having said that, she has told
you on numerous occasions she doesn't love
you. Do you really want to be with
someone who doesn't love you the way that
you love her? You deserve to be with
someone who really appreciates you and
makes you feel special.
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tony3595
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 04 Apr 2006 Posts: 68 Location: IL
Posted: 04-22-06 21:20pm
You know, love takes two. There is love
going to the other person, and love coming
back. When this happens, you grow
together. Sometimes, there is a detour in
our lives which causes that love to not
get to you, but you still keep sending
your love out and not getting anything
back. Frustrated. I hope so, that is the
way it works.
With that said, if you love your girl, but
she is not loving you back, it is only
natural to try to do anything you can to
get her back. Your frustration level gets
elevated. You get into fights. You part
angry. But bottomline you still love her.
She doesn't love you.
A few questions come to mind,
is she seeing someone else?
Are you trying to get her to love you
again as you were before?
Is there just a problem with communication
between the two of you?
Are you both willing to seek help to save
what you have?
If she is seeing someone else, your
chances of getting it back together again
is not good.
If you are trying to get her back to the
stage it was before, that will never
happen bacause that may be part of the
problem to begin with.
Do you two talk about anything and
everything? I mean down to the last
minute problem that concerns you. Open
and honest communication. If this is not
a part of your everyday life, the marriage
really was a 4 year partnership.
If you are both ready to seek help
together, this signifies two things.
First, she is willing to try to keep what
could be a marriage. Second, if she is
not willing to try, I think there is no
way you will be able to patch things up.
My opinion. Anyone else willing to pitch
in on this?
Sorry buddy. My heart goes out to you. I
have been there, and I worked through it
and survived. Let me know how things work
out.
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confusedhere
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 15 Apr 2006 Posts: 5
Help Posted: 04-24-06 00:51am
Thanks for both of your words. I am
going to buy that book tomorrow.
It is great to know there are people out
there willing to help you. I do not
think it will work out, but I want to try
my hardest. I am now in therapy for
myself to see if I can learn to cope.
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confusedhere
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 15 Apr 2006 Posts: 5
Help Posted: 05-09-06 23:04pm
I have been trying to cope with the
situation and am having no luck. My wife
was away in europe for a week and when she
came back we spent an amazing day together
in which she told me she though she had
feelings for me again and it may work out
in a bout three months, but we would have
to get marriage counseling before that
happened. However, the next day she told
me it was just because she was home sick
and that I was paying attention to here.
I do not know what to do. I want her so
bad and she keeps on sending me all kinds
of mixed emotions. Please help.
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tony3595
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 04 Apr 2006 Posts: 68 Location: IL
Posted: 05-10-06 20:32pm
You know confused, hot and cold running
water produces only luke warm results. If
she is on one night and cold the next
morning, there is definitely something
wrong. See counseling as soon as
possible.
The sooner you got to the bottom of this,
right or wrong, at least you will be able
to carry on with you life. Go, even if it
is alone. Best if both of you went.
I wish you luck my friend, stay in touch
and let me know how things go.
Tony
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confusedhere
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 15 Apr 2006 Posts: 5
Help Posted: 06-01-06 08:40am
My wife has told me in the last two weeks
that she wants to try and make things
work. We have been working on things
just the two of us and going to counceling
individually. This last weekend was her
birthday and we had a lot of great times
from friday night through tuesday.
However, last night we had a fight. It
blew up bad and I did not let her go to
sleep because I wanted to resolve it there
because the next time we were to talk was
sunday. She now is telling me that the
fight was devistating and to just leave
her alone. She does not know if she
wants to make it work anymore. She tells
me since she wants the seperation it is
her needs that should be fulilled and not
mine, therefore if I tell her how I feel
and what I need than that is not to be
delt with at this time because she is the
one who needed the seperation. I really
do not know waht to do. I love her and
do not want to live my life without her.
I want to give her space and respect her
wishes, but I am getting tired of this
rollercoaster ride I am on. Five good
days does not matter because of one fight.
Please help. What should I do. I
want to send her an email telling her how
I feel, but she said no contact.
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Melissa_20
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 Jan 2006 Posts: 6806 Location: Florida
Posted: 07-17-06 14:18pm
I know you love her but forget it.Keep
going to counciling and make yourself
better.She is being very selfish right now
and you know,its not only her needs that
matter right now,its both your needsd.She
thinks she has the right to say and do
that but she doesn't.She needs help and
you do too due to the way she is treating
you.I would let her go. . .Give her a
divorce cause all she's doing is yanking
your chain
