Odds are the relationship between your son and daughter-in-law will crash at some point. If I were you, i'd be switzerland and stay neutral, but express your wishes to help out, ie, financial support, babysitting, emotional support. If they don't bite, there's not much you can do about it. Hopefully you can at least maintain good relations with your son and when the time comes be there for him and your grandson. Nobody can walk on eggshells forever, and this will wear on everyone. Trust me i've seen it before and it always ends badly....Just be there for your loved ones....Might want to stock up on proof and get a little legally minded. Not that i'm against the mom, she needs help, but if she refuses it....My concern is for the little one. And it's just not right to keep children from the grandparents.....They have alot to offer...And using them to prove a point or to get back at someone is just plain wrong. :)

Spirit,
thank you so much for your reply. I keep wondering if the marriage will last...Unfortunately, my son wrote me a note shortly after his marriage 3 years ago telling me he'd made a big mistake, but that that he'd made that choice and he would stick by it. I'm afraid the sense of responsibility I raised him with is going to become a burden in the end.

I always wonder if I should confront my daughter-in-law. To ask her to put aside her feelings for me for the sake of my son and their children. Can you do this with someone who is bpd? By the way, are there any web sites where I could get more info on dealing with someone like this?

Also, could you clarify for me what you mean by getting proof? What kind of legal proceedings would involve a grandmother? I'll all for getting documentation for something that might bite me later.

Anyone else out there with more to offer on this painful (almost disabling for me) topic?

I am a mum and have borderline Personality Disorder and OCD. I believe that you need to be quite firm with your daughter-in-law. Research the condition and see if a support group is runing in your area for your son and his wife to attend. People with this condition struggle with relationships. Never personalise her actions. I am sure she is a good mum and that her children see another side her her that maybe you will never see. She needs to trust you because she will be feeling your negative thought to her.

I am a female with borderline personality, and it affected my last marriage it didn't work we are divorced now. But I am re-married and my bpd has not been a problem this time around. Knock on wood.

There are special classes for people to take that are bpd. I have not taken the classes myself but I have thought about it.

I believe my son (with whom I was always very close) has married a woman who has Histrionic Personality Disorder. We live in Australia and our son and his new wife of one year now live overseas. From the beginning, she ensured our son's friends were made redundant in his life. Our son tried to reason with her (which used to be his normal 'mo') but they had a fight just after they were married and made him promise that he would "always stand by her otherwise she would leave him". He gave her that commitment. Our son's friends were concerned for him and only had his best interests at heart. They no longer exisit in our son's life. At the same time, and always being nice to my face, she had been scheming behind my back saying to our son what a terrible upbringing he had suffered because I worked and my husband and I did not provide enough "nurturing" to him. There was an incident that occured about 5 months after they married which I won't go into here, however it was a trigger for her to take her campaign against my husband and me to another level. Our son now believes all of this nonsense and refuses any form of contact with us. This has also extended to all family members and good friends. My fear is, he is TOTALLY alone and I don't know what to do. Can anyone help me? It is hard to know what is the best cause of action. When we have tried to keep in touch, it has been met with very arrogant, cruel and self-righteous responses.

I feel sorry for you but can sympathize as my daughter-in-law is now reflecting my son's negative attitude towards me. It seems that the respect factor is not present with certain young people towards their elders. These kids are spoiled with all we have given them many times these things are not deserved and not appreciated. I have never said anything to my mother in law like I have heard second hand that my daughter in law has said about me. I am backing off and hoping that as they become parents they will understand and begin to appreciate all I have done for them only hoping to make their lives easier than mine was at their age.

I have just recently learned of BPD, however it is the condition my now Ex Wife suffers from. After 7 years of the eggshell thing, each explosive episode & attacks both verbal & physical, grew in intensity.

Total loss of reality, begins with long term intense negativity, constant argument with someone ( always in hate mode to someone) rotating between her parents, then her children (grown) then to me, crisis after crisis. The intense & loving person I came to love, migrated into a demon consumed with fits of anger.

I attempted to passively yet agressively limit her destructive behavior, yet the "black hole" of her world soon consumed me & all around her, causing emotional, financial & trust damage to where suicide, or more became dailyconversation.

As attempts to reason issues in conversation, facing fact we may not make it as a couple were discussed, or threatened by her, things became worse..until for safety reasons had to leave.

My actual process of moving out, created total mental breakdown, suicide attempt & destruction of all household items.

This is a woman I love, but through long, painfull & destructive decline, lives in abject misery, desperate for stability, love & normal life, who with every word & every action, causes the exact opposite to occur.

She is 55, so the articles I have read who state this declines in age, are very wrong..

Had I known of the existance of BPD,I may have understood the problem more..however it appears little can be done to remedy, as it is a chronic, lifetime affliction....

I fear for her safety & happiness.. though therapy is the stated most effective treatment, those who are in her real, everyday life suffer a great deal, just by association.

Is there anything more that can be done, to be involved in a solution?

Just because she didn't get better doesn't mean that other people with BPD don't get cured. Everyone is different. With the right treatment and counseling many people do get better, especially with age when they are able to really think about their actions. I am a perfect example. People with BPD are extremely sensitive and if they think you are treating them unfairly they will turn against you fast. The best type of treatment is DBT..Dialectial Behavior Therapy and it works. As long as the individual wants the help they can get better.