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Could Use Help With How to Handle Borderline Daughter-in-law

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danceoffaith38

New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 10 Apr 2006
Posts: 2
Could Use Help With How to Handle Borderline Daughter-in-law
Posted: 04-10-06 14:18pm

My son married a girl who, by his own description, is possibly suffering from (with) borderline personality disorder. He says that he walks on eggshells all of the time around her.

Her relationship with me has been bad, although never to my face and I hate that, because family means a lot to me and I want things to be ok enough that no one suffers.

I don't know why she decided that I was "evil". It started when they were dating. I can only feel that it was some jealousy over my good relationship with my son.

I am looking for someone who might have experience with this type of behavior or a severe daughter-in-law issue that could help me try to figure out what I can do to keep the family in communication (notice I didn't say together--i don't think i'll ever be able to have that)

right now she is refusing to let me see my 4month old grandson because of how I talked to my mother (90, alzheimer's) when trying to get her to take her pills for the nurse 2 months ago. Everyone who knows my relationship with my mother considers me to go above and beyond with her. I've seen the baby, my son and her once when they came to visit after that and she acted like everything was just fine and even reached out and hugged me as they left.

I don't care if this stays public or goes to a private message..I will certainly write more if I get any responses and ask for suggestions, but didn't want to write a book if there is no interest.

Thanks to anyone who replies!
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Spirit

Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 12 Mar 2006
Posts: 387
Location: Canada

Posted: 04-11-06 07:35am

Odds are the relationship between your son and daughter-in-law will crash at some point. If I were you, i'd be switzerland and stay neutral, but express your wishes to help out, ie, financial support, babysitting, emotional support. If they don't bite, there's not much you can do about it. Hopefully you can at least maintain good relations with your son and when the time comes be there for him and your grandson. Nobody can walk on eggshells forever, and this will wear on everyone. Trust me i've seen it before and it always ends badly....Just be there for your loved ones....Might want to stock up on proof and get a little legally minded. Not that i'm against the mom, she needs help, but if she refuses it....My concern is for the little one. And it's just not right to keep children from the grandparents.....They have alot to offer...And using them to prove a point or to get back at someone is just plain wrong. :)
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danceoffaith38

New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 10 Apr 2006
Posts: 2

Posted: 04-12-06 09:16am

Spirit,
thank you so much for your reply. I keep wondering if the marriage will last...Unfortunately, my son wrote me a note shortly after his marriage 3 years ago telling me he'd made a big mistake, but that that he'd made that choice and he would stick by it. I'm afraid the sense of responsibility I raised him with is going to become a burden in the end.

I always wonder if I should confront my daughter-in-law. To ask her to put aside her feelings for me for the sake of my son and their children. Can you do this with someone who is bpd? By the way, are there any web sites where I could get more info on dealing with someone like this?

Also, could you clarify for me what you mean by getting proof? What kind of legal proceedings would involve a grandmother? I'll all for getting documentation for something that might bite me later.

Anyone else out there with more to offer on this painful (almost disabling for me) topic?
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