Just found the schizophrenia section, posted this in general by mistake.

I'm 19 years old and have had paranoid schizophrenia as long as I can remember(self diagnosed).

I have wanted to get treatment for about 4 years now, but I can't get myself to say anything to my mom(who has been depressed for a long time).

One side of me wants to get treated and taken care of.

One side of me is mocking me with this macho bs.

One side of me knows how embarrased and ridiculed i'm gonna feel after having said it.

One side of me wants to be diagnosed so that I cant have those papers as a proof that i'm dangerous and people should stay away from me.

I'm currently going trough a bad period with frequent symptoms and I wanna get help, but I know that i'm gonna feel so disgusted with myself when I get into a little better period.

I don't know how my mom will response either, I have told her about my sleeping disorders but she just dismissed that and blamed it on something else.

How am I ever gonna be able to get help when i'm so split and the strongest side is the self loathing and really passive-agressive side of me that always tells me that my illness is not that severe and I shouldn't be whining, there are people out there that are much worse of.

But I know i'm pretty ill deep down, I never leave the house if I dont have to, I can't stand to look at girls anymore(i feel they would be disgusted with me looking at them), constantly thinking i'm gonna get killed or beat up. Whenever a car speeds up somewhere i'm immediatly thinking they're gonna come after me. When the phone or door rings I panic etc.

I feel horrible and weak for writing this. I think someone is spying at my computer aswell.

So my question would be: how do I go about telling this to someone? Any "tricks" you can use?

Btw. Anyone out there like me, who have never felt loneliness or jealous, those two feelings seems to have disappeared somewhere along the way, I remember being extremely jealous of my brother when I was like 6 or something and since then I have never again been jealous about anything.

The worst part about it is the shame that I know i'm gonna feel and i'm feeling right now.