Schizophrenia Forum - Need Help. (surprise)
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Need Help. (surprise)

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dfafka3

New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 05 Apr 2006
Posts: 3
Need Help. (surprise)
Posted: 04-05-06 05:05am

Just found the schizophrenia section, posted this in general by mistake.

I'm 19 years old and have had paranoid schizophrenia as long as I can remember(self diagnosed).

I have wanted to get treatment for about 4 years now, but I can't get myself to say anything to my mom(who has been depressed for a long time).

One side of me wants to get treated and taken care of.

One side of me is mocking me with this macho bs.

One side of me knows how embarrased and ridiculed i'm gonna feel after having said it.

One side of me wants to be diagnosed so that I cant have those papers as a proof that i'm dangerous and people should stay away from me.

I'm currently going trough a bad period with frequent symptoms and I wanna get help, but I know that i'm gonna feel so disgusted with myself when I get into a little better period.

I don't know how my mom will response either, I have told her about my sleeping disorders but she just dismissed that and blamed it on something else.

How am I ever gonna be able to get help when i'm so split and the strongest side is the self loathing and really passive-agressive side of me that always tells me that my illness is not that severe and I shouldn't be whining, there are people out there that are much worse of.

But I know i'm pretty ill deep down, I never leave the house if I dont have to, I can't stand to look at girls anymore(i feel they would be disgusted with me looking at them), constantly thinking i'm gonna get killed or beat up. Whenever a car speeds up somewhere i'm immediatly thinking they're gonna come after me. When the phone or door rings I panic etc.

I feel horrible and weak for writing this. I think someone is spying at my computer aswell.

So my question would be: how do I go about telling this to someone? Any "tricks" you can use?

Btw. Anyone out there like me, who have never felt loneliness or jealous, those two feelings seems to have disappeared somewhere along the way, I remember being extremely jealous of my brother when I was like 6 or something and since then I have never again been jealous about anything.

The worst part about it is the shame that I know i'm gonna feel and i'm feeling right now.
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Spirit

Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 12 Mar 2006
Posts: 387
Location: Canada

Posted: 04-05-06 21:14pm

Nobody's spying on you....In this day and age we're lucky if anyone gives a darn about us...Never mind going through the trouble of watching us.

So sorry about your mom, she's probably too depressed to be much of a support in your time of need. But there are things you can do for yourself...Make an appointment with your family doc. Just schedule a 1/2 hr cause you want to discuss something with him(the receptionist doesn't need to know your business). Regular gps don't know much about schizophrenia but you have to go through them to get a referral to a specialist that does know. Hopefully this will get you on the right path to help. :)
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dfafka3

New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 05 Apr 2006
Posts: 3

Posted: 04-06-06 01:22am

I've been trying to tell someone for the last 3 days now, whenever I approach someone one side of me starts shaking and I get panic attacks and find it hard to breath and talk.

Then after a while when I have dropped my intentions of telling anyone one side of me feels really good and relieved, like it has "won" or something, and it starts telling me that i'm not really sick after all, because I dont expirience alot of symptoms when i'm sitting alone at the computer.

Anyone think it would help to be drunk when telling?
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