I'm 19 years old and I have a 9 1/2 month old son. His father isn't around, and right around the time my son was born I started seeing a guy. We were together for 4 months when I found out I was pregnant with his baby. I was in love with this guy, but he was abusive, mentally, physically and sexually. I wanted to keep our baby, but I just couldn't because I had seen how he was with the daughter he already had, neglecting her and mentally abusing her something awful. So even though he begged me to keep our baby I got an abortion because I knew he didn't care about me or our child and he just wanted me to keep it so that I would be forced to be a part of his life forever. And I just couldn't subject my child to someone like him.
I didn't want to get the abortion, the whole time I kept telling myself I should just leave. But I went through with it anyways. And I cried during and after and ever since I just can't live with myself. I've started cutting myself all the time, which I had stopped doing the moment I found out I was pregnant with my son. I've started starving myself, and alls I do is cry all the time. I hate myself and I just want to die. I try to sleep my time away because it's the only way I can handle anything. So when my sons asleep, i'm asleep, except for the times I can't sleep because I can't stop crying. I spend all my time with my son, playing with him, feeding him, taking care of him because he's the only person I can stand being around, and the only thing that can keep me alive.
I got my abortion december 7th, and every month since then i've tried to get pregnant again. I want my baby back. And every time my period comes I just cry. It used to be that I would get pregnant the moment sperm got into my body within a week before or after ovulating. Now it doesn't matter what I do, I can't get pregnant. I just can't live with what i've done, and I want to make up for it. I want to give life, not take it away.