I'm 19 years old and I have a 9 1/2 month
old son. His father isn't around, and
right around the time my son was born I
started seeing a guy. We were together
for 4 months when I found out I was
pregnant with his baby. I was in love
with this guy, but he was abusive,
mentally, physically and sexually. I
wanted to keep our baby, but I just
couldn't because I had seen how he was
with the daughter he already had,
neglecting her and mentally abusing her
something awful. So even though he
begged me to keep our baby I got an
abortion because I knew he didn't care
about me or our child and he just wanted
me to keep it so that I would be forced to
be a part of his life forever. And I
just couldn't subject my child to someone
like him.
I didn't want to get the abortion, the
whole time I kept telling myself I should
just leave. But I went through with it
anyways. And I cried during and after
and ever since I just can't live with
myself. I've started cutting myself all
the time, which I had stopped doing the
moment I found out I was pregnant with my
son. I've started starving myself, and
alls I do is cry all the time. I hate
myself and I just want to die. I try to
sleep my time away because it's the only
way I can handle anything. So when my
sons asleep, i'm asleep, except for the
times I can't sleep because I can't stop
crying. I spend all my time with my son,
playing with him, feeding him, taking care
of him because he's the only person I can
stand being around, and the only thing
that can keep me alive.
I got my abortion december 7th, and every
month since then i've tried to get
pregnant again. I want my baby back.
And every time my period comes I just cry.
It used to be that I would get pregnant
the moment sperm got into my body within a
week before or after ovulating. Now it
doesn't matter what I do, I can't get
pregnant. I just can't live with what
i've done, and I want to make up for it.
I want to give life, not take it away.
