Well it's really hard to explain how I feel right now. I just finished my conversation with my girlfriend/friend or I don't know how to call it anymore (you'll help me decide later when I explain), and I really have no idea what to do. Am I to be dissapointed in myself, in her, in relationships in general or what, I don't know, but I do know that i'm just sad and trying to deal it.

Please take some time to read my story and try to give your objective opinion.

Here's my situation:

as I was growing up overseas and I met this girl (let's call her jane). She has a sister, and 6-7 years ago, we all met while on vacation. After a while we started being friends, and I started being attracted to jane's sister. I was younger then and as everyone, attracted to more energetic girls. I was spending more and more time with both of them and got inside their family completely, meaning that I really felt comfortable when I spend time there. And they were super girls because they were raised in a moral way and had great values.

At that time I really wanted to be with jane's sister and after a while, I realized that being with her would not happen for one reason or another.

Jane, was there all that time and she knew how I felt and she was my friend basically listening to what was going on between me and her sister.

After realizing that all that time what I was looking for was not jane's sister, but jane herself it was too late. I expressed my feelings but she just couldn't get over it although jane really felt strongly about me too. It seemed that I was going for the second prize and there was no way around that. That was most definitely not the case, I was young and I really understood that I liked jane for who she was.

After that I cared about her (jane) a lot and we still remained friends, having that emotional connection but not being involved.

After a year or so, life took me in a new direction and I decided to move to the states. She was very shook up, and on the day I was leaving I kept saying to myself that by moving to a country far away our lives and communication would end and I wanted her to continue living her life without me. I didn't even kiss her.

Well 5 years passed after that and I wasn't involved in a real relationship because I was trying make ends meet in the new country I moved to. During the first 2 years I was in the states, I knew that she kept trying to reach me, through email, by phone, but I kept saying to myself that we would never meet again and that I just couldn't give her what she needed and that she should continue living her life, so I never returned her calls, thinking that would be the best thing. It's important to say that I never stopped caring about her.

She was maybe the only girl I wanted to be with and deep inside everything that I was achieving in the states was maybe in secret hope that I could be with her one day together and share everything. I really didn't know what I wanted.

After 5 years, we started communicating again. She told me she was involved with 3 men over the course of that time, 2 of which she had a night thing and one that she was with for almost 2 years.

Since I missed her and her sister (jane's sister is also a very good friend, but I truly have no feelings toward her), I invited them to come and visit me to the states for 3 weeks. It was a really exciting thing, I missed them, and both jane and I were wondering how we're going to feel when we see each other.

Well they came over, and we realized that the connection was still there, but jane changed a lot. She was not shy, she was much more self-confident and we started being snugly and things heated up a bit. We didn't have sex, but we were somewhat sexual with each other and kissed. It was nice, but she really didn't know if she could be with me because I didn't have a relationship for so long and she felt that I was possessive and too emotional. Let me just point out that I really didn't change at all. So that's where I started realizing that a lot of things changed between us and the way she was looking at the whole thing.

She told me that she really cares about me and that she need to think about if we can work.

Time flew by and they had to go back. Due to some airport security thing, we never got a chance to say good bye to each other once again.

When they came home, I talked to her sister on the phone and her sister told me that she was through and that she was really feeling bad emotionally when we didn't say bye to each other and that she was clear with herself that she wanted for us to have a relationship.

After that jane and I kept talking on the phone everyday, she was sending me cell phone messages and we agreed that she would come here again after 3-4 months to stay for about 2 months and be with me.

A few times when we talked on the phone, I was a bit upset about the boyfriend she had, because even though they were through, I guess I was scared that there was always a possibility that two of them could meet again and do something. I wasn't really sure if I knew jane anymore, so I had confidence issues. After a few arguments, I realized that she was right and that I shouldn't obsess about that and just keep going on.

Jane understood, but she told me that me being so emotional and possesive really burdens her and that she also needs some space there. We agreed to keep our communications to some normal level because we both rushed into the whole things too intensely.

I was with that, but I wanted to know whether or not she was still my girl and if she cared about me as much as I cared about her. I didn't want to be with another woman here until she came over and I wanted to see if she would do the same. The important thing to note here is that she had really hard time telling me that she cares about me, that she loves me. This bothered me a bit, because I know how I feel about her.

But I made a compromise and went with it. After a while it started bothering me that she was really nervous about her exams (university) and that this caused her to be very cold to me when I call her on the phone. When she needed to talk to me we spoke for 3 hours, but when I call at those moments, she became very cold, didn't want to talk to anyone and our conversation lasted for about 10 mins.

Now, I just want to let you know that I really don't call her 10 times a day or anything similar. We talk maybe once a day or once every other day on the phone with an ocassional sms message and that I tried to let her deal with her obligations that she has there with her family and school.

Next thing happened a few days ago as her tests are getting closer and closer and when I spoke to her yesterday she told me that me asking why she was so cold to me and wouldn't talk to me, she was very negative and told me that I knew that she was nervous and that she doesn't want to talk to anyone and that me constantly thinking about her, asking how she feels and asking if I did something to deserve it was really bothering her and that she started thinking about not coming again here and that our relationship might not work. She told me that she thought that I would check up on her through friends just to know where she was and that I didn't trust her. Nothing is further from truth.

I am jelaous as any other person about someone you care about, but I really care about her and want the best for her. I tried making compromises and trying to fit in into her life, but it seems that was not enough.

After this last conversation, it was clear that we were through, she wasn't sure if she wanted to see me and after a few more words I realized that she wasn't uncertain, she already decided. When I asked her when, she told me a week ago. After a few more silent moments, I told her that I will never stop caring about her and that she needed to talk to me all she needed was to send me an sms. This is how our last conversation ended.

I am very sad at this moment and dissapointed in myself. I guess I had illusions about this girl, being so close to her family to her, that we were perfect for each other. But it seemed that I wasn't good for her.

Please girls and guys, let me know what you think about this whole thing. I'm sorry for such a long post, but I guess this is my only way to truly share my story and feelings with someone. It's hard to talk to someone in this way.

Thanks for reading.