You mentioned being on shift work for 20 years but not how long you have been married....I'm assuming a long time and that you're probably in the same age bracket as me(43).
First point: shift work can be very difficult for anyone, the screwy hours mess with your body, both physically and mentally. Probably a contributing factor to your depression. Not to mention that it's most likely not helping your marriage....When I was on shift it was all about work and sleep...Not much energy for anything else.
Second point: in a long term relationship it's almost unavoidable to at some point to take each other for granted.
Look at it from her point of view....Are you the same man she married?Have you maintained your appearance?Are you charming?Talk romantically?....Or do you go in the bedroom and wait to be "served"?
Women need/crave the seduction and "warm-up" period.
Do yourself a favour and take an old pic out, and ask yourself what has changed?
Perhaps she doesn't care for sex, but given the right action...This can change. :)

Nope don't think that's it. Gained about 15 lbs since I left boot camp in the marine corps 23 years ago...Translates to about maybe 5lbs since being married. Still have my hair, and the rest of everything still works fine.

Interesting, that you focused on the physical appearance. Depression was mentioned also.....Possibly changing your shift or job to spend more time with her. Making that time "quality time"; take her out - just you and her ...Visit an outdoor cafe, share an ice cream cone, a walk in a beautiful park, talk sweet(this becomes natural with practice) or do something with her neither of you have ever done. In other words, breathe some new life into a stale marriage.
You mentioned that your depressed. Odds are she's probably depressed too, or complacent, or bored, or something else equally "cra**y" for the marriage.
You can also try dressing totally different, spice up your look....If anything you'll get her wondering as to what your up to? :)

Hi

i agree that you should try and get the romance back. Some things that I love about my boyfriend and that he also does so rarely are the hugs from behind, randomly showing up with flowers, kissing my forehead etc

im only young so you may not want to listen to what I have to say, but its definitely the little things that count and certainly not your appearance. I once came home to a kitchen bench covered in m&m's saying 'i love you'

just be spontaneous and sweet again, you have to connect with her emotions again in order to spark physical desire.

Hope it all works out xx

krit
:)

Love that m & m's thing! Reminds me of the first time I decided I wanted to go out with my beau.....Left a note on his windshield...."anytime, anyplace but only with you". It's been almost 6 years now. :)

I worked shift work for many years. 12 hour dupont schedule with vacation coverage required. Many times we would work 14 days straight with only 12 hours for the hot turn from days/nights.

Wanting sex instead of sleep is an impossible choice once you are older than 13 years old. Making the most of the intimate occasions when they do happen is probably the most important part of a healthy relationship.

My wife is normally the aggressor in bed but there are many times that I know she wants me to initiate and I oblige because it just means too much to her that I show as much interest as she does. She has never turned me down and so I know the end result.

If you can turn on your animal instinct and initiate with her, (more than one night) after a few times of being ravaged by you aftr so many years of typical kiss, kiss, ****** kiss goodnight. It will probably bring on a newly kindled bedroom life. Remember, sex won't fix the bedroom, romance and the whole set up to sex and then the post lovin, lovin will fix the bedroom. You still have to maintain a normal healthy social relationship too, sex is only going to fix sex, talking and sharing how eachothers days go will keep the marriage strong.

Good luck,
brian

Well,

here's the thing guy----no matter what anyone says, unless a woman has some kind of imparing medical condition or was abused, women like sex every bit as much as men!!!!!





But men and women are supposed to be different, and **we are**. We don't know your background with your wife. We've never met or spoken to your wife. She may have a completely different view of the situation.

I know i, even as a woman in a struggling marriage, love sex. However, I only love it after I have been romanced for quite a while.

You see, women get all kinds of stress, frustrations and depression built up inside of us, just from the events of our day. But unlike men, we have to release it **before** we have sex. Most women find it almost impossible to enjoy a positive experience when we are stressed or depressed. We need to be romanced and massaged and told that we are beautiful and loved, to calm us down and relax our nerves.





But there's another issue too---we hate thinking that a man only cares about us when he wants sex. I mean we really hate it. If we start to think that, we are just going to get even more upset, stressed out and depressed.

My husband pretty much ignores me all the time. Then, when I tell my husband that I need some massages and romance to help me get in the mood, because I am too stressed for sex, he says "oh, ok." then he goes through this stupid, patronizing routine (i call it "the three fours"):

first, he quickly squeezes my shoulders 4 times. Second, he says his bland 4 phrases---"everything's ok", "i love you", "your the prettiest woman on the plannet", "your soooo sexy". Third, he gives me 4 kisses up and down the neck. This whole routine will be over in the same time it takes to rewind a movie. Afterwords, he looks at me with anticipating eyes and says "ok, better?" i'm like.......Oh, pleeeeeesae!!!! You've got to be kidding me!





Which brings us to another subject----the sex itself. It's basically him behind me, looking up at the ceiling, pumping away for 3-5 minutes and then flopping over asleep, like a tranquilized walrus!!! Then I pull my night robe on and mozy over to the computer. I mean......Even if I was in the mood, what is there to look forward to?





Rather than being frustrated all the time, we women just loose interest. So those issues do need to be adressed if it is a problem in ur marriage.




I realize that most men would read this and think "man, that is soooo cruel to say all that about your husband!" but hey, how can you ever fix a problem when you refuse to admit that there is one, or to even speak about it? You can't just ignore something like this, because it is .N.O.T. Going to go away on its own.


This is where you get those women who just hate sex, because they are in a situation like mine and they figure "this is as good as it will ever get". Right now, for me, sex is nothing more than an uncomfortable position to sit in for 5 minutes, and then a discugting mess to clean up afterward! Why should I be enthused?

Its also where you get women who dump or cheat on their man. What's a woman supposed to do? No matter how many times she tells her man what she needs (conversation, romance, etc.), he refuses to do it. If she can't get it from her man, where is she supposed to get it?