Teen Pregnancy Forum - Best Friend Is a Bad Mother... :-/

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Q: Best Friend Is a Bad Mother... :-/

asked by: hunterjumper on March 24th, 2006

Experienced User

My best friend of going on 8 years is not pulling her weight being a mother and I don't know what the hell to do.

She's like a sister to me and I don't want to be a know-it-all but I worry too.

Her baby is only a couple weeks old and she's falling apart. She leaves him to cry it out for over an hour on a regular basis. She lies about changing his diaper and feeding him. She told her hubby she did both this morning and then he checked the baby an hour later it was obvious she hadn't done either. She goes hysterical and cries and screams in the bathroom. She grabbed a knife, says she wasn't going to use it, but with a history if self-injuring for attention...Hubby and I both know she likely would have.

Her hubby works and goes to school full-time so he's very busy and now he's basically trying to do 90% of the child raising as well because she just decided she needs at least 6 hours a night and won't get up with her baby. So he has to even though she can nap during the day and he can't because he's at school.

I talk to them both and I don't want to stir s**t up but we're all frustrated and tired of this. She chose to get pregnant, she wanted this baby, but now she doesn't want to do the work involved and dumps most of it on other people. What would you do? Say something? What? :? :cry: she's refused to get treatement for her emotional problems all her life, so even though I think she has ppd...She won't admit it or get treatement for it even if she does. She won't talk to her dr or anything. Acts like she's just venting a little when she grabs knives to get attention from her hubby and crap...

Replies(18)

Rodge

replied on March 24th, 2006

Active User, very eHealthy

Call social services? There's not really much you can do, other than talking to her about it.

hunterjumper

replied on March 24th, 2006

Experienced User

rodge wrote:

call social services? There's not really much you can do, other than talking to her about it.

i thought about it but I doubt they'd do anything. She is still (mostly) looking after him and her hubby is doing a lot of the work. I also don't want to do that to her hubby because he didn't do anything to deserve it, he's trying his best.

I've tried talking to her, reassuring her that she's doing a good job and that it gets better but it doesn't seem to have worked. I don't know whether to try and just be more...health forum or what.

Thanks though.

Lalee

replied on March 24th, 2006

Active User, very eHealthy

Actually, they could probably do more than you think. Counseling, programs, etc. They won't just come in and snatch the kid. And it sounds to me like she could benefit by some counseling... It sure wouldn't hurt, at least.

diamondsz

replied on March 24th, 2006

Extremely eHealthy

In her case they may take the kid the way cause the mother would be deemed unfit and the father would have to be at her side 24/7 in order for her to be watching th child. Unfortunatly dad cant afford to lose out on all his life because both chose to have a child this is almost a lose-lose sitiuation here some ideas though hunter...

~get a family member to help out~
~down here they have helpers who can come in everyday or weekly at no cost or little depending on the persons income!

~get her hubby to sit down and get in her face(have a good conversation) give her an ultimatum(as in she get help or he will take off with the child) just an example (there is so much more help available to a single parent!

~it is an offense in ontarios and quebec(i dont know about the other provinces but I could find out) to injure yourself or try and commit suicide it could result in hospitalization/jail time
~worst case call social service. It would be better to get the father to call so he can explain the sitiuation, if anything happens to that baby and (you or him didnt report what she was doing) you can actually be held resposible for her death in a court

good luck just keep drilling in her head what she is doing wrong without overdoing it but make sure you guys praise her when she is doing something right, when someone is in that state of mind it is almost as if they are a child themselve and the mind becomes fragile.

DaliciaLynn

replied on March 24th, 2006

Extremely eHealthy

hunterjumper wrote:

rodge wrote:

call social services? There's not really much you can do, other than talking to her about it.

to be honest..If you're that concerned about her you'd call social services, especially for the babies sake.

It's pretty sad that we have people on earth like this, doing it ridiculous..

Sunflower_pie81

replied on March 27th, 2006

Extremely eHealthy

Call .H.R.S. On her. When it comes to a baby there is no looking over the fact that it's being ignored or not taken care of.

If you really cared about the baby, the baby not her, then you would call. Once involved they can't over look a complaint and have to follow thru. If she gets ppd bad enough she may take that knife to the baby. You need to think of that.

AlliE_18

replied on March 27th, 2006

Extremely eHealthy

How can she let her baby cry for an hour? Whenever my son cries im right there picking him up comforting him, it upsets me when he cries I could never leave him in that state...Poor thing. And not feeding/changing him when it needs to be done is neglect. If I saw that happening i'd speak confidentially with social services to see what help they can offer, or if they would want to pay her a surprise visit. She doesnt deserve to be a mother, and that baby doesnt deserve to be treated like that! =/

hunterjumper

replied on March 27th, 2006

Experienced User

allie_18 wrote:

how can she let her baby cry for an hour? Whenever my son cries im right there picking him up comforting him, it upsets me when he cries I could never leave him in that state...Poor thing. And not feeding/changing him when it needs to be done is neglect. If I saw that happening i'd speak confidentially with social services to see what help they can offer, or if they would want to pay her a surprise visit. She doesnt deserve to be a mother, and that baby doesnt deserve to be treated like that! =/

no she really doesn't. And honestly, I wonder if...Now that she's experienced it for a couple weeks....Still really *wants* to be a mother. Because it's certainly not nearly what she expected.

But of course, like most people, i'm sadly willing to be lenient because well...She's my friend and because her husband is there doing an awesome job and he doesn't deserve to have cps/ss called on him because he's not the one screwing up.

The baby is fine and it seems that the lying thing was a one-time thing and hopefully she's getting her s**t straight. I've really just backed off. It's not my family or my problem and trying to get involved is just driving me nuts.

DaliciaLynn

replied on March 27th, 2006

Extremely eHealthy

allie_18 wrote:

i feel ya...When my son cries with a tummy pain I cry too, makes me feel awful seeing him hurting.

She has to be mentally messed up..

Sunflower_pie81

replied on March 27th, 2006

Extremely eHealthy

Just because it's not your problem or family think about the little guy. Poor little guy didn't ask to be brought here and be ignored. You need to think of that. If the husband is doing a good job then maybe he needs to leave her and do a good job without her. I hate to say it but it could be a pattern on her part and if she is depressed enough, the child is going to suffer...Apparently like he already is. I hate to think about that little baby being hungry, and crying telling his mom that he is hungry and she is just letting him cry. I dont' get it, how can you just overlook the health of that baby?

I don't know...I don't know the situation, but my mom and dad were foster parents....I saw what mothers with ppd did to their babies just because they were tired, or upset, or just didn't care. My own mother left me and my sister stranded at 1.5 years and 6 months just because she didnt' want to be a 'mother' anymore. If someone witnessing this didn't call hrs on her we may have died. You never know....Just dont' turn a deaf ear to the baby's cries.

AlliE_18

replied on March 27th, 2006

Extremely eHealthy

It's a tough call hunter. I was in a similar situation as you with my neighbours, I wanted to talk to social services about it but I was scared to incase I got in trouble for it by the guy finding out. So I backed off and left it to the other neighbours to call...Hoping they would, I know that sounds crappy but I was living here alone and they all got partners and they're much older. I felt bad for the kids though. One time I called the cops on them because I saw stuff going on, and the next day the guy was at my door looking for the person who called the cops, guess I was right to be afraid of that happening. Anyway last year social services finally took all their kids off them, which was a good thing!

HcoBrunette06

replied on March 27th, 2006

Especially eHealthy

Gz that sounds scary, I don't know how people could do things like hit their kids, what do they get out of it?

And just the same, men who hit their wives is such bulls*it. Do they think it makes them bigger men because of it? I'm sensitive on this situation, i'd like to kill all the abusive people in the world :p

AlliE_18

replied on March 27th, 2006

Extremely eHealthy

You can start with my neighbours hco

neeko177

replied on March 27th, 2006

Experienced User

I was in a situation like that.. My best friend had moved in with her other best friend, who was also a friend of mine and much older than us and had 2 kids.. One already tooken away by child services cuz of behavioural probs and the youngest one left in the home.. Well this lady depended on us to watch her kids.. We got paid at first.. And we'd babysit everyday one of us while she went out to her boyfriends or sumthing.. Overnite and everything.. And sumtimes for a week at a time.. And we were only like 14 maybe at that time.. Then when my friend moved in, it became like they were her kids.. The mother still wasnt there and depened on my friend.. Who ended up dropping outta high school etc to watch this kid.. Its a long story.. But basicly she ended up acting and thinking she was the mother of this child.. And started being very mean to them...Disiplining them in ways I never would.. I remember going to the mall with her and the kids... She went to get ice cream.. And cookies.. Only for herself (kids being 3 and 5) and told them they were too bad of kids they dont deserve anything etc.. But they were being really good that day.. And I think its just mean to get ice cream infronta such young kids and not give them any just to be a b**** lol.. I bought em sumthing.. And actually did end up calling child services, the same day I called so did another lady...
The 3 year old was wonderin around the streets by himself while my friend was asleep... He was looking for his mom he said.. Some lady brought him home, woke her up, and obvioulsy called herself too

HcoBrunette06

replied on March 27th, 2006

Especially eHealthy

Haha we're all gonna get together and have a big slaughter party :wink:

hopefulmjz

replied on March 27th, 2006

Extremely eHealthy

Hey, wait for the slaughtering....You can't start without me. Let me recover from my c-section so I can karate chop some nuts off!

HcoBrunette06

replied on March 27th, 2006

Especially eHealthy

Haha k, let us know when you're ready :p

hunterjumper

replied on March 28th, 2006

Experienced User

My friend *is* mentally unstable. She had a terrible upbringing with mentally ill parents who did nothing but fight with each other and try to upstage each other's drama...So of course she's repeating this pattern and causing drama. And she won't seek help because that would mean admitting she has a problem and taking responsibility for it, neither of which she's ever done in the almost 8 years we've been friends.

It's not a good situation and i'm certainly not turning a deaf ear to the baby's cries. Her husband has been talking to her and making her realize that she needs to get her s**t straight. And I think it's working a bit. And i'm talking to them both and trying to help still. I just realize that I can't hover over them 24/7 making sure she does everything right. I've almost tried and it's driven me nuts and I could barely sleep or eat I was so worried. I have my own child and life to look after and she has to figure this out on her own sooner or later.

It's still early in the game and I doubt she's even come down from the adrenaline or anything. I think with patience and forgiveness...Because as terrible as it is...One dirty diaper that's on a couple hours too long isn't going to be fatal....She can get past this.

Thank you for all your comments though. Obviously if this becomes worse, I will step in but right now I think they can still figure this out and make it work.

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